But I wasn’t hungry, so I only picked at my food, pushing it around the plate with my fork and pretending like I was just taking my time eating. Flick snuck glances at me over her shoulder from the sink, but she didn’t comment on it, nor did she offer an explanation of where Theo was.
Maybe she didn’t know, and that was why she didn’t talk about him. I wanted that to be the case, but instinct told me it wasn’t. Most likely, everyone who lived there knew where he was, but apparently I wasn’t special enough to be in the loop.
Eventually, I gave up pretending to eat and tossed the food in the trash before taking my empty dish to the sink. Flick’s blue eyes were full of understanding and sympathy as she took the plate from me. “It’s nice out today. Why don’t you sit on the porch and get some sun? It will be good for you.”
Nodding dejectedly, I walked through the house and out onto the front porch. There were no chairs, so I sat on the top step, letting the sun beat down on me as I glanced around at the other houses in the neighborhood without really seeing them.
Why did Theo leave? Had something happened, or was he just bored? Maybe now that I was feeling better and able to move around, do things on my own, he figured he didn’t have to bother with me anymore.
Maybe the only reason he’d come with me in the first place was because he felt guilty over the baby…
Pain so intense it made me gasp hit me dead center, and I pressed one hand to my heart and the other to my lower abdomen. I hadn’t thought about the miscarriage since Theo told me—hadn’t allowed myself to think about the baby. Every time I did dwell on what happened, and the precious gift that had been snatched from me before I even had a chance to love my child, I pushed the thoughts back in self-defense against the pain and grief.
But now, with Theo gone, I couldn’t hide from it any longer.
Life had grown inside me. A baby that was equal parts Theo and me. I bet it would have been perfect, just like him. I would have loved our precious little baby, would have given it a life so much better than the one I had growing up. A life full of being showered with love and affection. My child never would have known loneliness or felt like they didn’t belong in the world. Never would they have felt as if they weren’t good enough to be loved.
But I wasn’t ever going to get to do any of that. I would never hold my baby, never tell him or her how much I loved them, never shower them with all the love I was aching to give.
Tears spilled from my eyes, and a sob that felt as if it were ripped from my very soul released into the quiet morning. How was it possible to survive this kind of agony? It was worse than anything I’d ever experienced. It was worse than the physical pain of being shot.
All I wanted was to curl up in a ball and die. Maybe then the pain would stop. Maybe then I could be with the baby I’d lost.
What was there for me here in this world anyway?
Nothing and no one.
Theo had left me—again. I had no family, no one who cared if I was alive or dead. Fuck, my own biological father hadn’t even wanted me, had given me away and left me to fend for myself. And now what blood I did have wanted me dead.
There was no one who wanted me. No one who needed me.
Maybe…
Maybe it would be better for everyone if I was just…gone.
There had to be a reason my own uncle wanted to wipe out my maternal bloodline. Perhaps we just weren’t worth living. Wouldn’t it be doing him a favor if I ended this madness already?
The sound of a vehicle approaching pulled me from the torture of my dark inner thoughts. I watched as a Trinity County Sheriff’s sport utility vehicle pulled into the driveway. The SUV was turned off, and moments later, a man with short, dark hair and dressed in a police uniform stepped out.
With shoulders practically as wide as the vehicle he’d just climbed out of and eyes a unique reddish golden-brown that took in everything as soon as he was outside, the man was both scary and intriguingly handsome. His stride was easy, like he was used to making the walk up the sidewalk to the front porch, and even though I had yet to meet him, I instantly knew this was Lexa’s husband, Ben.
“Morning,” he greeted as he walked toward me. “You wouldn’t happen to have seen my wife by any chance, would you?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t seen anyone but Flick today,” I told him in a voice still choked with the tears that had yet to dry on my face. Embarrassed, I scrubbed my hands across the dampness.
“So Raven isn’t here either?” I shook my head, and he blew out a resigned sigh. “Figures. I never know what kind of trouble those two are going to get into. Hopefully I won’t have to hide a dead body this time, though.”
He said it with a grin, but there was something in his eyes that made me wonder if he was actually joking.
“I’m Ben, by the way. No doubt you already knew that, though.” His eyes filled with empathy as another tear spilled down my cheek. “And you’re Tavia.”
“Th-that’s me,” I told him with a grimace.
He dropped down onto the top step beside me, and he turned so his back was leaning against the banister. “I get why Volkov went back to New York. Whatever is going on, he wants to take care of it personally, make sure you’re safe. If it were Lexa, I’d do the same thing. Although leaving her here with her mom while I was across the country without her would be its own kind of hell.”
My brows pinched together. It didn’t surprise me in the least that a man I’d just met knew where Theo was, and yet I hadn’t. It only pushed home all over again that I meant nothing to him. “Whatever reason Theo went back to New York, I didn’t even factor into it.”
The sheriff’s eyes narrowed on me. “You still on those pain killers Lexa was telling me Doc prescribed for you?”