“No! Shit, Raine…I wanted to! You were upset, and…”
“Thank you for making my point.”
My mouth dropped open, but I couldn’t seem to find any kind of actual word to go with the action. Damn if I couldn’t argue with her logic. When she cried and wanted me to hold her, there was nothing in the world I wanted to do more, not because I wanted it or needed it, but because she did. I wanted to be there for her, and anything I could do to make her feel better would be done. If she had explained that cutting off my left nut would help her heal, I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat and with a smile on my face. Is that what it was like for her? Did she want to let me do that, just so I would feel better – fuck her on the ground without even thinking about her needs? She couldn’t want that. No one would want that after what had just happened. I had pushed her down on the ground and practically forced myself on her…
And she wrapped her arms and legs around me, just like I needed her to.
I reached up with my hand, wrapped my fingers in the hair at the back of her neck, and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her slowly, trying to make up for what I had done even if she had been all right with it. Stroking her lips softly with mine once more, I brought her down to rest her head on my chest, making sure she fell asleep first before I allowed myself to drift off.
I guess there was more to this love shit after all.
Chapter 14 - Sick
My eyes opened, and the first thing I really noticed in the darkness was my head pounding. I was on my side under the palm-frond canopy roof. Raine’s back was against my chest, and my arm was wrapped around her middle, holding her tight against my body. She wasn’t shaking anymore. I must have fallen asleep. Aside from my head, my leg was throbbing as well. It felt hot, too. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. I closed my eyes and everything went dark again.
I walk over the low hill near the shelter, my hands full of roots and leaves. I'm thinking about how to best cook the food when I look out towards the beach. I see them immediately, and I know they have her. She's on her back in the sand, and Ponytail is holding her hands above her head. Dreadlocks is on top of her, and the others stand behind him, waiting their turn.
I start running, but no matter ho
w fast my legs move, I'm not getting any closer. I can see her face clearly, her tears glistening in the afternoon sun. She's screaming, but I hear nothing. Dreadlocks climbs off her, and Buzz-cut moves into place. Somehow I trip over the roots I had been holding and sprawl into the sand, my leg screaming in pain.
My chest was so fucking tight from trying not to scream, I couldn't breathe. I felt Raine lying on her stomach beside me, my arm wrapped securely around her back, and her head lying right next to mine on the palm fronds. I pushed back away from her as quickly as I could without disturbing her sleep. I rolled over to my left side and tried to push myself up on my feet, but my right leg gave out and I slid awkwardly to the ground.
I nearly choked trying not to yell. Holy shit, my leg hurt, but I couldn't think about that just yet – there was something quite a bit more pressing I needed to do first. Forcing myself onto my hands and knees, I crawled as quickly as I could with my leg dragging on the ground behind me, barely making it to the edge of the jungle outside the shelter before the contents of my stomach spewed out on the ground. I tried to expel the images crashing through my head at the same time, but they wouldn't leave. I kept seeing them all holding her down and the look on her face as her eyes met mine.
I vomited again, and my leg gave out again, leaving me lying on my side in the scratchy sand. I could feel beads of sweat dropping from my back and the rapid beating of my heart. I shook my head violently and tried to right myself but couldn't. My eyes reached out to the smoldering coals in the beach and the nondescript, shadowy pile on top of it. I thought I could make out the shape of a skull, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted to smash it.
If I had been any later...
I lay on the ground for a few minutes, trying to control my breathing and heartbeat, but completely failing to force the images of the nightmare out of my head. I might as well have actually seen it. The need to hold onto Raine and verify her safety abruptly overwhelmed me, so I crawled back to the shelter while trying to ignore the pain in the leg I dragged behind me. It didn’t matter – nothing mattered but keeping her safe. Raine had flipped over and was lying on her back. I scooted my body up close to hers and wrapped one arm around her waist, but it wasn't enough. I slipped my other arm under her head and around her shoulders and pulled her tight against me, but it still wasn't enough.
Raine mumbled quietly in her sleep as I pulled her head against my chest and placed my chin on top of her head. Though it fucking hurt because it put a decent amount of weight on my aching right leg, I tossed my left leg over her body as well. Once I was essentially completely wrapped around her and at least half on top of her, the panic finally began to dissipate. There was no way anyone could take her from me without me knowing about it. If anyone tried, I’d fucking gut them.
I took a few long, deep breaths and slowly dropped back into sleep.
This place smells a little funny.
“We’re going to play a game, Bastian!”
I look into her eyes, which are green like mine – she showed me in the mirror.
“Game?”
“Hide and seek!” She’s talking softly, and I don’t understand why. “You hide right under here, and Daddy will try to find you.”
She points underneath a funny looking table. It’s green on the top, and there are little pockets in the side filled with colorful balls. I nod and crawl underneath.
“Make sure you stay quiet so he doesn’t find you. That would ruin the game, and he’d be mad.” I don’t want him to be mad. I don’t like it when he is mad. She reaches under and touches my face softly, then ruffles my hair. I like it when she touches me like that. “I love you, Sebastian.”
I sit underneath the funny table for a long time. Daddy hasn’t found me, so I must be doing a good job of hiding. There’s a white cup under the table. When I hold it and squeeze it, it cracks. It’s soft, and I take it apart, stacking the pieces up into a tower. When it falls, I do it again.
One of the colorful balls drops on the floor next to the table, and a man with a beard bends over to pick it up. He looks at me and starts calling out. Then a lady comes and asks me what I’m doing under there. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. A couple other people talk to me, and I smash up the cup pieces a little more. I don’t know if I should tell them I’m hiding or not. After a while, a lady wearing a blue coat with gold buttons crawls under the table and pulls me out. I scream because Daddy will be mad if the game is ruined…
I could hear my name being called, but I couldn't manage to really put any meaning behind it. I was trying to understand the images in my head – completely new but hauntingly familiar at the same time. Small hands pushed against my chest and shoulder, and the words moved from gibberish to actual English in my ears.
"Bastian, get up!"
"No," I mumbled back. She was safe where she was. I didn't want to move.