That’s another problem. Lately it’s as though I looked forward to arguing with her, like it was some kind of release. During the week while we were both busy, she with school and me with work, it was easy. But once the weekend rolled around and we were stuck here together alone, we were like two prizefighters circling each other, and these days we both went for blood.
“As I was saying, you are not allowed to go to that place again, not now not ever. If you sneak out of this house you can forget that fancy college you got into. I’ll put you in the local university and here you’ll stay. It’s only about an hour and a half away so you’ll go back and forth each day.” I knew that would get her. Her head came up and if looks could kill I’d be a goner. I sat back and waited for the tirade.
“ I hate you, why are you ruining my life?” This time when she got up I didn’t stop her. I hate hearing those words from her. She could have no idea of how deep they cut, how much they hurt. Mom assured me when I brought it up to her once before that I’d done the same a time or two, and so had my brothers and sisters. I can’t imagine.
I sat there long after she left feeling like a monster. I don’t know what the hell has gotten into me. I can’t seem to separate the child from this new being that was so self-assured and too fucking grown for my liking. You have to let her grow up Solomon. She’s not your little doll anymore remember?
This was true, even her curls were gone. She’d straightened them the last time mom took her to the salon, and that’s now the new style of choice. I didn’t like it it made her look like an adult. Everything was changing too fast; I wasn’t ready. I wanted my little girl back and yet…don’t you fucking think it Solomon.
I closed my eyes and prayed for peace. The peace and serenity that had once graced these walls were long gone. Fucking place feels like a battlefield these days and I’m afraid unless something gives soon, we’re gonna end up hurting each other.
The words are getting harsher and my anger seems too easily ignited these days. I knew what was behind that of course, but wasn’t quite ready to face it yet. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I knew that I had already made my choice. What a cluster fuck that would be. I don’t think even mom could forgive me if I took my ward to my bed.
7
Solomon
The house was quiet as I did my nightly walk through making sure everything was closed up tight for the night. I set the alarm and headed up to bed, tired both in body and mind. I couldn’t resist looking in on her as I passed her room. She’d pushed the door shut as best she could but the damn thing was hanging off the hinges.
I eased it open slightly trying my best not to make any noise. She was curled up in bed with her arms around one of her stuffed toys. For a while there she was obsessed with the things but I’d thought she’d long outgrown them. She’s so fond of telling me how grown up she is I didn’t think she still slept with them.
I stood over her looking down at her in the moonlight. Such a beautiful girl! I reached out and brushed the hair back from her temple. “What’s to become of us babydoll?” I turned and left abruptly not wanting to look too closely at that question.
I put the day behind me and closed my eyes for some much needed rest. Lately my nights have been troubled, mostly because of her. It’s only in the privacy of my mind that I could accept the truth of what was bothering me. I’m about to lose her. She’s right, she’s an adult now in the eyes of the law.
In another few years she’d receive her inheritance and would have no more need of me. The thought makes me sick to my gut. But I can’t keep her; I have to let her go. If I keep her what kind of life would she have?
Wouldn’t she regret not going out there and seeing the world for herself at some point down the line? “Fuck!” I turned over on my side and tried to clear my mind, but there was no getting away from it.
There was no use denying that something had changed between us after the night of the party. I was just too stubborn to claim it. I swear I’d never looked at her with anything but parental adoration before then.