She held her breath. She understood. She understood exactly what he was saying but it still wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
‘So why couldn’t we have that discussion, Jacob? I thought you didn’t care about us at all. Why do you think I arranged to move out? Did you really think I wanted to?’ She reached over and touched his jawline, feeling his smooth skin under her fingertips. ‘Did you really think I would want to walk away if things were going to be tough? Because I wouldn’t, Jacob. Not in a heartbeat. I love you. I don’t care if it gets tough. I want to be the person by your side, holding your hand.’
His voice was quiet. ‘But I don’t want that for Freya. I don’t want that for you. I watched my mother waste away before my eyes, the life just drained out of her. In the end, it wasn’t a life at all. I could never do that to Freya. You’ve been through enough already.’ He paused for a second then met her gaze again as he pulled his hand away from hers. ‘I still can’t.’
* * *
Bonnie leaned forwards; her face was inches from his. He could see fire spark behind her bright blue eyes. ‘You don’t get to make that choice any more, Jacob.’ She pushed her hand up to her heart. ‘I do.’
He opened his mouth to speak again but she held up her hand. ‘You’ve told me that you love me. You told me that you love Freya too. That’s enough, Jacob. That’s enough for me. I left because I doubted myself. I doubted my judgement. My past experience has made me untrusting, and I’m sorry for that.’
He pulled back. ‘I can’t do this. I can’t let you do this. My mother had this cancer. I’ve had this cancer. I’ve got to assume that it’s somehow in my genes. I can’t make you any guarantees. I can’t offer you what you want, Bonnie. Not when there’s such a high risk.’
She stood up from the chair and faced him. ‘What is it that I want?’
He frowned. ‘Children. You’ll want more children. This has to be in my genes. I could never, ever live with myself if I passed this disease on to our children.’
Bonnie looked furious. ‘Have you asked me that? Have we had that conversation? What about what I think?’
He shook his head again. ‘Look at you, Bonnie. You thrive on being a mother. You love being a mother—and you’re fantastic at it. You were born to be a mother. I know that you want a whole house full of children. Don’t pretend otherwise.’ He pointed to his chest. ‘And I can’t give you that. I just can’t.’
She blinked and he could see more unshed tears behind her eyes. ‘I want you, Jacob. You and Freya. That’s what I want. That’s who I want my family to be. Can’t we just work on that? Can’t we just work on making a life together with what we have between us?’ She stepped forwards, reaching up and cupping his cheek in her hand. ‘Tell me about your test results. Tell me what happened. Good news or bad, I’m here for you. We’re here for you. Just trust me enough to tell me.’
It was the first thing he’d noticed about her. Those bright blue eyes. And they were fixed on him with such an intensity right now that it felt as if a fist had closed around his heart and squeezed tight. He’d never felt like this. He’d never loved someone as he loved Bonnie. He’d never wanted to put himself on the line before. But Bonnie was everything. She didn’t know. She didn’t know he’d had good results. She didn’t care. She still wanted to be with him.
For the first time he stopped to think straight. To let his heart rule his head. Every rational part of his brain had told him to back away. Every part of him that loved her didn’t want her to be hurt.
But, for the first time, he could see himself building a life with Bonnie and Freya. A life that wasn’t overshadowed with the thought of cancer recurring. A life that might actually be filled with love and hope.
And from the determined look in Bonnie’s eyes it was exactly what she wanted.
His hand covered hers. ‘My results were good, Bonnie. The non-Hodgkin’s is in remission—for now. I’ll need to keep having checks every six months for the next five years. There’s always a chance it could recur.’ As he said the words out loud he felt relief flood through him. He hadn’t let that happen yet. He hadn’t stopped to take a breath. The big black cloud that had been hanging over him for the last fourteen months had finally gone.
She didn’t hesitate. She flung her arms around his neck. ‘Oh, Jacob. That’s fantastic.’
Her body was pressed against his. The warm angles familiar. The feeling of warmth, the feeling of love, the feeling of compassion were all here. All his for the taking. Could he really walk away from Bonnie now? When she’d told him no matter what his results she wanted to be by his side?
He stopped and pulled back, running his hand through her auburn hair. ‘It is, isn’t it?’
He was feeling lighter. And it wasn’t just the diagnosis. It was the feeling of sharing. The feeling of having someone else invested in him. Of not having to face the future alone.
Bonnie’s grin reached from ear to ear. ‘It’s better than fantastic.’ She jumped up on him, her hands already around his neck, her legs now around his waist. The force sent him backwards against the wall and he started to laugh. Really laugh. Laugh as he hadn’t in the last few years.
‘Get rid of me now, Dr Layton,’ she joked, her eyes gleaming.
This. This was what he wanted. This was what he’d wanted from the moment he’d seen her. Was he brave enough to reach out and grab it—just the way Bonnie had?
He was still smiling but he put on his most serious voice. ‘Sister Reid, you seem to have put me in a compromising position.’
She tilted her head to one side. ‘I have, haven’t I? So, what are you going to do about it?’ There was a challenge in her voice. ‘I’ve already told you. Your choices are limited.’ She uncoiled one hand from his neck and stroked her finger down his cheek. ‘I think it’s my job, and Freya’s, to make sure that this year you have the happiest Christmas ever—we have the happiest Christmas ever.’ The seriousness left her voice. ‘So, what are you going to do, then?’
‘Oh, that’s easy,’ he said as he adjusted her in his arms. ‘I’m going to kiss you.’
And he did. Over and over again.
EPILOGUE
One year later
‘ARE YOU READY, MUMMY?’ Freya was bouncing up and down in her calf-length emerald-green bridesmaid dress.
Bonnie picked up her Christmas-themed bouquet and smiled. ‘Oh, I’ve never been more ready. Let’s go, gorgeous.’
They held hands and walked out of the hotel room to the top of the stairs. Jacob was standing at the bottom, waiting for them. In her honour, he’d dressed in a kilt. And she’d never seen a more handsome honorary Scotsman.
Her steps had never been surer as she picked up the skirts of her wedding dress and walked down the stairs to meet the man who made her complete.
Her last wedding hadn’t felt anything like this. It had been beautiful, but she hadn’t felt love in her heart and soul the way she did today. Jacob hadn’t taken his eyes off her on her whole way down the stairs.
Her friends from the hospital applauded as she reached the bottom and she let out a nervous laugh. Jacob leaned over to kiss her. ‘You look gorgeous,’ he whispered.
‘I don’t think you’re supposed to do that until after the ceremony,’ she murmured back.
He smiled. ‘Well, don’t tell anyone. But I’ve got a really take-charge wife-to-be. She’s taught me just to seize the moment.’
And she had. They’d spent the last year growing together a
s a family. Taking steps that she’d never have even considered a few years ago.
The celebrant gave them a nod towards the room where the wedding was to take place. The whole hotel was decorated for Christmas. A large Christmas tree was next to them at the bottom of the stairs and dark green and red garlands decorated the stairs. Twinkling lights glistened all around them. It really was the perfect setting.
‘I’m not finished yet.’ Jacob smiled.
‘What do you mean?’ she asked. This wasn’t in the plans. But her tiny wave of panic disappeared in an instant. Whatever it was that Jacob wanted to do—she was sure she would love it.
‘Before we start,’ he said to their surrounding guests, ‘I’d like to let you into a little secret.’ He glanced at her. ‘Bonnie and I have been keeping secrets from you—but even my future wife doesn’t know this one.’
Her stomach flip-flopped. What was he talking about?
He pulled an envelope from inside his highland dress jacket. ‘This morning, we received the news that we’ve been waiting for.’ He gave her a smile that made her toes tingle. ‘I haven’t even had a chance to tell Bonnie yet, because I’ve been keeping with the wedding tradition of not seeing the bride before the ceremony.’
He held up the envelope. ‘We got news this morning that Bonnie and I have been approved as adoptive parents.’ He bent down and picked up Freya. ‘Do you know that little brother or sister we’ve been talking about?’
She nodded solemnly. ‘Well, some time next year you’ll get to be a big sister.’
‘I will?’
‘We will?’ Bonnie could hardly contain her excitement. They’d been waiting for the final verdict. And this just made the whole day even more perfect.
A number of waiters appeared with trays of champagne that were quickly dispersed amongst the guests. Jacob handed one to Bonnie. He held his aloft. ‘So, we’ve not even made it to the altar yet. But I guess I decided to seize the moment.’ She could see the glint in his eyes as he spoke.