Nathan rushed to fill the eerie silence before Molly could ruin the warm fuzzy feeling he got when he was with her. ‘Thanks for all you did tonight.’ She’d been a trouper, setting out food, clearing up after everyone, making sure no one went without a drink while barely touching one herself. ‘You were taught how to be the hostess with the mostest?’
Her chin jerked down once. ‘Yes. Part of being my mother’s daughter was the social training that went on every day, no matter what else was happening.’
Had Molly ever been herself, doing what she wanted, how she wanted? Or had the basketball, the nursing degree and whatever other things she’d achieved been done because she’d been put under pressure? Had she spent all her life trying to please others? He wouldn’t expect that of her. Ever. ‘Now you can do whatever you want. You could even have tipped Carry’s drink over his face when he started making rude suggestions to you and Myra.’
‘I came close, believe me.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s all right. He’d had too much to drink and will probably fall over backwards apologising on Monday.’
‘True. It’s not the first time, and won’t be the last. I’d like to not invite him to these dos, but he’s one of the team, one of the best, and everyone has their issues.’
So what’s yours tonight, Molly?
‘He’ll pay you back for the taxi you organised. You’re right, he is one of the best—when he’s sober.’ Worry was in her gaze, making her nibble her lip and turning those knuckles whiter than ever.
‘Talk to me.’
Her eyebrows lifted, fell back into place. ‘Too clever for your own good, you are.’
The foreboding increased. This was about him. He’d swear on his next breakfast Molly was about to dump on him. Or walk away for ever. His gut tightened as nausea rose. They weren’t an item so how could she drop him? This called for something stronger than a beer that had gone flat over the hour since he’d opened the bottle. Standing, he reached around Molly for the wine bottle.
She flinched.
Slowly withdrawing his hand without touching the bottle, he backed off two steps. ‘I’d never hurt you,’ he ground out through clenched jaws. ‘Never.’ It hurt for her to think differently.
‘I know.’
‘So what was that about?’ They’d come far, or so he’d thought. Guess it wasn’t easy to get over what had been done to her.
‘I’m sorry.’
He hated that word coming from Molly. It came loaded with the need to please, to be safe, and she did not have to do that around him. ‘You don’t owe me an apology for anything. But I would like an explanation.’
Her breath intake was ragged. ‘You’re right. You’re owed one.’ She was being too compliant.
He wanted to shake her gently, make her stop being that person and return to being the Molly he was getting to know, but instead he poured a small wine and returned to sit down, giving her space, wishing he could wrap her in a big hug and hold her until she never, ever felt afraid again. He should be able to without worrying he was making her uncomfortable. ‘I thought we were getting close enough to talk about most things.’
Especially since you told me about your ex.
‘I think I will have a drink after all.’
He started to get up to get it for her but she put up a hand in the stop signal.
When she sloshed as much wine on the bench as into her glass Nathan knew he was in trouble.
Putting his drink aside, he sat straighter, needing to focus on Molly and whatever was worrying her. He waited. His gut churned. His heart thumped hard and heavy. And he waited.
Perching on a stool, she sipped her drink and put the glass aside to jam her shaking hands between her knees. Then finally she raised her head and eyeballed him.
He wished she hadn’t. He would far prefer her not to say a word, to carry on with the silent treatment. There was something in her look that said his world as it had become was about to disintegrate. Rushing in, he said, ‘You can trust me not to hurt you that way.’
You’re repeating yourself.
‘Not in any way, if I can help it.’
‘Nathan. I get that. In spades. Otherwise we wouldn’t have been spending as much time together as we have. Even though it’s only been a short time, I trust you. It’s me who hasn’t been up-front about everything.’ Her breasts rose and the last drop of colour drained from her face. ‘I don’t see me having babies any time soon. If at all. And they’re important to you.’
His heart slowed, his lungs seized, his head spun, yet his eyes never left hers as he tried to figure out where this was going. ‘You said you wanted kids.’
‘Yes. One day, maybe. Right now I’m getting back on my feet after the horror that was my marriage. I don’t know what I want for the future. I don’t trust myself to get it right straight away. It’s too soon.’
‘I understand that.’ As much as he could, because it was a bit like him falling in love with her after the wonderful relationship he’d had with Rosie. But he hadn’t known fear like Molly had. Hadn’t had his belief in Rosie undermined. Hadn’t seen those she should’ve been able to trust not back her until later on, by which time her heart had already been broken. So, really, he knew nothing about where Molly was coming from.
Suddenly she was right in front of him, hands gripping hips, her eyes flashing. ‘No, you don’t,’ she yelled.
Nathan waited, not wanting to risk upsetting her further.
She breathed deeply, said in a quieter voice, ‘I know you’ve tried, but I’m still working at understanding myself, so how can you?’
He began to rise, to scoop her into his arms and hold her safe.
Her hand shot up in the stop sign again. ‘No. Please, no.’
He stilled, waited.
‘Sit down. Please,’ she added quietly, and he knew she hadn’t finished. In fact, she started before he’d taken a step, like it was a force that had to be set free. ‘Watching you with your family brought it home to me that I’m being unfair to expect you to spend time with me when I can’t guarantee I’ll ever be ready to want to settle down, let alone have a family. If we could guarantee we’d have some fun and walk away happy then...’
She swallowed hard. ‘I’m screwed up, Nathan, and while I might have stopped looking over my shoulder at every turn, I still have nightmares about being strong enough to cope with what’s ahead.’
‘You’re stronger than anyone I know,’ he ground out through the anger filling him for the man who’d done this to sweet, beautiful Molly.
‘It’s skin deep,’ she whispered. ‘Those steps I talk about taking—a toddler could do better.’
‘You’re taking them. That’s all that matters.’ Still he wanted to haul her into his arms and never let her go, to make her feel better, and stop the ache that was expanding in his chest. But the stop sign was still in her eyes, in the tight way she held herself, as though if she relaxed even a fraction she’d shatter. He also wanted, needed, to fight her gremlins for her, but Molly would never let him do that. She fought her own battles. All he could do was be there for her. ‘You need more time. We don’t have to stop seeing each other.’
‘And if I still don’t feel I can have a permanent relationship after we’ve spent a lot of time together?’ Her curls shook as she talked. ‘No, Nathan. You deserve better than that. You can love again, and have the life you want. You’ve been honest about your love of family and the children you want one day. I will not risk taking that opportunity away from you.’
Yeah, the news was starting to seep in around the edges of the haze in his mind, and making him begin to understand the full impact of what Molly was telling him. He had always wanted children. Growing up in a large, happy family, it had been a given he’d add to the clan, as his sisters had. Not once, not even when Rosie had died, had he given up on that dream completely. But did he want them at
the cost of love? He was half in love with Molly already. Half? Now was not the time to think about it. He’d finally let a woman close for the first time since Rosie. Yeah, and look where that was getting him.
His heart was on the way to taking another battering. He didn’t want to lose Molly, he wanted them to make this journey together. If at the end of it she still wasn’t ready for him then he’d have to take it on the chin. But he wanted the opportunity to give it all he had. ‘Why haven’t you said any of this earlier?’ It might’ve saved him falling for her. Except he’d thought that had begun the day she’d started in the department. ‘You’ve told me so much about what happened, it would’ve been simple to finish it with this. I’d at least have been warned.’ Anger was beginning to simmer. At her for not trusting him enough, at himself for falling for her, for finally letting go the restraints Rosie’s death had put on his heart.
‘At first I didn’t see what was happening. I do want love and family. One day. If I can get past all that’s happened. I’m afraid I might be reading too much into my feelings for you. You’re everything Paul wasn’t. I want that. What I don’t want is to make you into someone you’re not, and I could be unwittingly doing that. I need time, and getting out and about with people, before I’m ready for a commitment. It’s essential to know I’m not making another horrendous mistake—for everyone’s sake.’
Pain sifted through his tight chest muscles. This was not how he’d seen the night finishing. But life loved throwing curveballs. He already knew that, had dealt with it and had thought he was coming out the other side.
‘I’ll always be here for you, Molly. I care a lot about you.’ Damn it. He wanted to say he’d move on and be grateful she’d thought of him when trying to sort her life out, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t true. Neither was telling her he was falling in love with her a wise idea. It’d be putting everything back on her, and it was obvious she already felt terrible about this. He also had to own some of it for rushing in.
‘You sure we can’t continue as we are, and see how it turns out?’ He wouldn’t get down on bended knee. Only because he already knew it wouldn’t work and he had to have some pride left when she walked out.