Don’t say sorry. ‘It’s good. I didn’t want to stop.’ She’d had to, though, or lose control.
‘Which, I suspect, is why you did.’ His mouth twitched.
‘It’s too soon.’ Regret had her tongue lapping at her lips, and his eyes followed, causing a knot to form in her stomach.
His nod was slow. ‘You’re right. It’s the same for me.’
‘I’d better get going.’
Nathan shook his head. ‘Come inside.’
Not to continue kissing. No, he’d agreed they’d moved too quickly, wouldn’t expect a rerun of that kiss. She was coming down to earth now. It was unlikely to be comfortable when the kissing was done and they were back to being professional with each other in the department. Though he was fast becoming a friend, if not something more.
You don’t kiss friends like that.
Being in Nathan’s arms felt safe. Exciting. Nothing like friendship. Also—and this was big—how certain was she that she wanted this after so long denying her needs?
She tramped along beside Nathan, trying to straighten her thinking, getting nowhere except inside his house, where he led her to a sitting room overlooking the lawn and beyond. A large-screen TV dominated one wall, an enormous couch placed strategically in front.
‘Take a seat,’ he instructed in a voice that said he was about to get serious. Over what? Their kiss?
Please don’t. She’d hate that. It would spoil the moment and hurt, when she’d enjoyed it so much. She didn’t need to hear it hadn’t been wonderful for Nathan. He could keep that to himself. Talk about out of practice. Gone was the confident girl prior to Paul who used to kiss and leave, or occasionally kiss and stay for the night and then leave. Look at her. She was a blithering wreck because of a kiss. She so wanted to follow up with another, and wasn’t going to. She needed to be circumspect. Parking her backside on the edge of the couch, she crossed her legs, folded her arms and waited.
‘Whoa, relax, Molly. I’m not about to bite your head off.’ He took the opposite end of the couch, and stretched his legs out for ever. Turning in her direction, he eyeballed her. ‘Neither am I going to say I regret kissing you.’
Her arms loosened and her hands splayed over her thighs. ‘Go on.’
He laughed. ‘What more can I say? Other than I’d like to do it again.’
So would she. But—
‘But I’m not sure where we’re going with this,’ Nathan continued. ‘I don’t know what you expect from men after what’s happened to you in the past.’
That makes two of us.
Or did it? Her lungs expanded as she drew a long breath. ‘If I hadn’t felt comfortable with you it wouldn’t have happened.’ She’d have backed away, run more like, not leaned in and made the most of Nathan’s mouth on hers. ‘What happened in the past has to stay there, not taint anyone I get close to in the future. That might sound naïve, but I firmly believe it’s the only way to get back a normal, happy life, hopefully with some loving in it eventually.’
‘Gutsy comes to mind. How do you do it?’
Fake it till you make it.
‘Dig deep for smiles, start trusting those around me, and have fun.’
‘Honest too. Though I’m sure there’s a lot you haven’t told me.’ Nathan held his hand up, palm out. ‘It’s all right. I don’t expect you to. All I ask is that you take me seriously, and don’t treat me as an experiment to see how you’re managing.’
Nathan had been hurt in the past too and wouldn’t be rushing to fall in love again. Her eyes widened. ‘Now who’s being honest?’
‘Would you want it any other way?’
This in-depth conversation with a man was foreign—and interesting. ‘No. I’ve never tried to hurt anyone or, to my knowledge, been so thoughtless as to do so. You’ve got things that upset you too, and I don’t want to be the one who reminds you of what you’ve lost.’ A tremor shook Molly. So much for relaxed.
‘We’ve learned a lot about each other in a short time.’ Nathan was studying her, and she felt completely comfortable.
‘Which is one reason why I can’t move into your flat.’ She’d like to get to know Nathan a whole lot better, bit by bit, and that would be best if they weren’t living in each other’s breathing space. If they were to have a relationship she needed a place to be alone at times while she got used to someone else in her life. Knowing he was on the other side of the wall could encroach on her solitude.
She’d become fiercely independent over the time she’d been alone, and it would take a lot to give up even a little of that. Not even sensational kisses suggesting sensational lovemaking would do the trick. Not yet. Nathan was kind and sincere, or so she believed. While Paul had fooled her with his charm, she doubted Nathan would ever be anything but up-front and caring. But she’d got it wrong once, and that niggled a little.
‘Any other reasons for not moving into my flat?’
‘We work together.’
‘People share living arrangements with work colleagues all the time.’ His smile nearly undid her resolve not to give in.
It would take a nanosecond to lean forward and wrap her hand around his arm and bring them closer. Nathan was that damned gorgeous. The air stuck in her throat. The knot tightened in her belly. She could do this—far too easily. But she hadn’t thought it through. She needed to do that first. She was considering it? After the arguments she’d put up moments ago? ‘I’m not ready.’
‘I’d have your back.’
‘I know.’ Molly sighed her gratitude. It was true. ‘And no one’s out there trying to track
me down any more. I don’t need to check every person who comes within spitting distance.’ She believed it, which had to be an improvement on her previous attitude to getting out and about.
Nathan nodded. ‘Fair enough. I’m not pushing you to do something you don’t want to.’
Settling back into the comfortable, soft, cosy couch, she looked around. A computer sat on a desk in the corner, an up-to-date stereo system in another. ‘You’ve made yourself quite the den, haven’t you?’ There was a maleness to the sharp white décor with dashes of black in the curtains and the furniture. There was also a loneliness she recognised from her own apartment. The room here was on a far grander scale, but the emptiness felt the same.
‘I spend most of my down time in here.’ He picked up a remote and pressed some buttons, then music filled the air, a low female voice that lifted the hairs on the back of her neck.
Molly swallowed the urge to sing along. ‘Not often, then.’ She’d keep digging for info while he was so relaxed with her.
‘More than you’d credit me with. I put in a fair amount of time studying and keeping up-to-date with medical programmes and the latest drugs and procedures, even though emergency medicine doesn’t change a lot.’
‘Why that particular field, instead of, say, surgery or paediatrics?’
‘It’s when people are most vulnerable. I rise to that. It brings out the best in me.’
‘You’d be the same in any area of medicine.’
‘True.’ He shrugged those eloquent shoulders that she’d held while being kissed. ‘There’s also a lot of variety in an ED. A bit like a GP practice, I imagine, only lots more cases where there’s an urgency about the situation. Sometimes I regret not having the follow-up and knowing how a patient fared long term. At the same time, I don’t get to see it all go bad and watch someone I’ve got to know a little go downhill and have to face the families trying to cope.’
That wouldn’t be his thing. Not that it was anybody’s. ‘You’ve suffered loss. You’d feel for those patients and their families.’ To think this was the man she’d thought irritating and infuriating. He still could be, but now she’d seen behind that mask she’d never accept it at face value again. She might get cross with him but from now on it would take longer to really wind her up. She didn’t need to be on guard with Nathan or protective of herself over every word he spoke.