I text Ace and tell him that we’ll be having a guest for dinner. It’s a shame that our first dinner guest is my mother. He doesn’t respond but I hadn’t expected him to. He has a therapy session and it goes on for two hours or so.
The kitchen is open plan and when I’m working, I can see Luna where she’s happily playing with her growing collection of toys. Ace’s reply comes as I’m putting the marinated chicken pieces into the oven.
I dry my hands on my apron before grabbing my phone.
Ace: Hi sweetheart, just saw your message. Wow! You’re having your mom for dinner? I’m proud of you. On my way. Not stopping anywhere unless you need anything.
Me: I’m good. Just get home safely.
I put the phone away and continue cooking dinner. Images of my mom float into my mind. She’s always been super thin but that’s not surprising as she was a poor eater. I wonder if she’s changed. Has she aged?
A familiar feeling creeps over me. Fear. I close my eyes for a while to try and locate the source of the fear.
Vanessa and I are walking home from school. She’s clinging to my hand and the closer we get, the tighter she holds my hand. I’m sweaty and my legs are becoming heavier by the second. Nausea swirls in my belly. I want to throw up. We get home and stand on the porch for the longest time but eventually, we have to go in.
My heart thumps wildly in my chest. “Mom?” All is silent. I leave Vanessa in the living room. She looks at me with big frightened eyes. “Be careful Lexi.” I smile bravely. “I’ll be fine.” I start in the kitchen and work my way to the bedrooms.
I find her in the bathtub. I shake her even though I know that doesn’t usually work. I wipe away the tears flowing down my cheeks, shut the bathroom door, and go back to Lexi, a smile on my face.
“She’s fine,” I tell her. “She’s having a bath. I’ll make us a snack.”
The sound of a key pulls me back to the present. Luna! I swing my gaze to the living room. I don’t see her. I run out of the kitchen and find her at her favorite spot, looking down at the garden, her palms on the floor to ceiling window.
Footsteps. I whirl around and let out a breath of relief. Ace. I’m messed up. Thinking about the past has spooked me.
Ace comes straight to me. “Come here.” Somehow, he knows. He gathers me in his arms and holds me tight. My body shakes and I give in to the tears. I cry softly as I don’t want to alarm Luna.
I lose track of how long we stand like that.
“You don’t have to see her when she comes. You can stay in the bedroom,” Ace says.
I smile through my tears. I have a good man. “I’ll be fine. I made the mistake of allowing myself to remember.”
He nods as if he understands perfectly. I think he does. “Go on and lie in the bath and I’ll mind Luna.”
“Okay, Luna’s dinner is in the fridge.” I’m so grateful for the chance to relax and gather my thoughts.
I kiss him and head to the master bedroom. As the bath fills, I strip off my clothes. Other memories push their way from the recesses of my mind. I push them back. Remembering will do me no good.
I immerse myself into the water and in a few seconds, a feeling of peace comes over me. I’m not the helpless little girl I once was. I’m not a child anymore. I don’t depend on anyone to survive. I can take care of myself and my little daughter.
After my bath, I’m ready to face the world. I stroll into the living room, just as the doorbell rings. My composure flies out of the window.
“I’ll get it,” Ace says and gets up from the couch where he and Luna are watching a kid’s show.
I follow him to the door. Ace opens the door and there she is. My mom. Vanessa stands by her side, her eyes red-rimmed like she had been crying. Protective feelings come over me. I shift my glance to my mom.
She’s thin as usual but her face is thinner, and her hair is limp and it is greyer than brown.
“Lexi,” she smiles, revealing two missing front teeth.
“Mom, what happened to your teeth?” I blurt out.
That wipes the smile off her face. “You haven’t changed much I see. Always talk before you think.”
A wisp of pain shoots through my chest. We’ve slipped into our past roles automatically.
“What did you do to Vanessa?” I ask.
“I’m fine,” Vanessa says, her tone tired. “I’m not staying. Hi, Ace. Kiss Luna for me.” And she leaves without waiting for our response.