"Della?" Woodss voice broke into my dream and my eyes snapped open. I looked up into his concerned face.
"You okay? You were breathing hard. "
That was all? I smiled. I was okay. I could live with the memories. If the terror didnt come with them. "Im fine," I assured him, and cuddled against his side. "It was just a memory. "
Woods ran his fingers up and down my arm. "Do you want to talk about them? Maybe if you told me, you would stop dreaming them altogether. "
I started to say no and stopped. I had been telling people no for years because it sent me into the darkness when I let myself think about it. But I was better now. What if I did tell him my dreams . . . what if it could actually help?
"Okay," I said, not looking up at him. I kept my eyes on his chest. I wasnt scared of the memories now. I just wasnt sure how I was going to open myself up to him that completely. It would make me feel more vulnerable than I had ever felt. He would know my horrors. No one really knew them.
It was time.
Woods tightened his hold on me and I focused on the warmth of his arms. I was safe. Telling him was safe.
"She was rocking the baby doll. She always rocked the baby doll when she was in one of her dark times. She sang to it and made up words to lullabies. I knew, even at five years old, that her singing to a plastic doll was wrong. Something was wrong. So, I would watch her. She never rocked me. Seeing her rock the doll confused me. Why would she rock a plastic baby doll? The baby was a he. She called it a him. She never called it by a name. Just sweet baby and baby boy. That was weird, too, because the boy theyd adopted before me was never a baby when they had him. " I stopped a moment and thought about looking up at Woods to see what he was thinking. But I had more to tell and I didnt want to watch his eyes and see his reaction.
"If she ever saw me watching her rock the baby she would yell at me and often hit me. She would tell me to be quiet, that the baby was sleeping. Or to go fix my brother some food and make sure he ate it. I hated making my brother food. I knew hed never eat it and that it would get old and stinky before shed finally give in and throw it away. The smell of rotten food permeated our house. I hated the stench. " I lay still in Woodss arms. I knew that what I was telling him was disturbing. I knew it would bother him, but it was helping. He had been right. Talking about what Id lived through with someone who loved me, not just a psychiatrist, helped.
"When she was rocking the baby doll she would eventually realize it was plastic. I never knew what it was she saw but she would start screaming demon child and she would throw it across the room like it was on fire. Then she would claw at herself and pull her hair. She would tell the doll she was sorry that she had let him go to the store. She was sorry that she hadnt kept him safe. But then she would point and scream demon at it again. I didnt usually watch that part except for once. It terrified me. When she started screaming I would hurry back to my room and close my door. Thats what I was dreaming about tonight. One of those moments. "
Woods let out a long, shaky breath. "Shit," he whispered, then pressed his face to the top of my head. He didnt say anything else. He just held me. That was what I needed the most.
It didnt feel like I thought it would, opening myself up like that to him. I had always thought that showing someone what was inside, what had been my life, would expose me in a way that would make me unlovable. But I didnt feel that way in Woodss arms. He held me tightly to him and kissed my head. No other words were needed.
My eyes closed and I relaxed in his arms. I had always felt safe with Woods. That wasnt new. But now . . . now I felt like Id found my anchor. My entire life Id held on to anything I thought could hold me still and keep me from going under. I had clung to Braden for years, hoping that having her would remind me I was normal. That I wasnt in that house anymore. But even though she loved me, she had never made me feel completely secure. She couldnt give me the grounding I needed. I thought no one would ever be able to give that to me. Not after all Id seen and lived through. I knew now that it wasnt true. With Woodss arms wrapped around me and the beat of his heart pressed against my chest, I knew he would hold me steady. If I ever fell, Id have him to catch me.
Page 39
Woods
I had drunk three cups of coffee that morning to prepare myself for the early tee time I had with Nile. After Della had told me about her dream last night and shared her memories, I hadnt been able to sleep. Id wanted to hold her and watch her sleep. The idea of her having another dream like that and my not being awake to stop it scared the shit out of me.
That was fucked up. What shed lived through was more fucked up than I could even imagine. She worried that she wasnt strong enough, but, damn, anyone who had lived through what she had and still functioned normally day to day was strong. Della did more than function. She laughed, she made friends, she enjoyed life, she made me smile, and she completed my world. She was the strongest person I had ever met.
"Sorry Im late. The girls woke up early and I was trying to get them something to eat so they could watch television and let their mother sleep late," Nile said, interrupting my thoughts.
With his dark hair and blue eyes, he looked so much like Della that it was hard for me not to stare at him. There was no arguing that this man was her father. "No worries. I havent been here long," I assured him.
"You want a caddy?" I asked. I never used one but most members did.
Nile glanced over at the golf cart I had already pulled around with my clubs and a set from the clubhouse. He had mentioned last night that he hadnt brought his clubs with him.
"No, I think Id like it to be just us," he said with a smile.
He wanted to talk about Della. I figured as much. Which was why I hadnt already had a caddy on standby.
"All right, then were ready to go. I have water in the cooler but if you want something more, a cart will be around by the time we get to the third hole. We can order something from it if you prefer. "
"Waters great. Too early for anything else," he replied.
I drove us to the first hole. "Della is looking forward to meeting the girls and your wife down at the beach today. " They had planned a beach day. Nile was going to join them after our game. I was going to go work and give Della time alone with them.
"The girls cant wait to see Della again. They really took to her. Jillian adores her, too. "
I parked the cart. "Dellas hard not to adore," I said before getting out.
"Yeah, she is. Shes much like her mother . . . uh, Glenda, that way. "
I hadnt met Glenda but I wanted to. Della looked like her birth father but she didnt have his personality.
Nile pulled his driver from the bag. "Della seems happy here," he said.
"She is," I replied.
He didnt move to set up his shot. He studied me instead. "You havent proposed to her. And I couldnt help but notice she didnt make it sound like marriage wa
s in her near future last night when the girls were questioning her. "
Not a conversation I had expected to have with him today. I pulled my driver from the bag and tried not to get pissed by this line of questioning. "We havent talked about marriage yet. "
Nile nodded. "I see," he said.
What the hell did "I see" mean? I was going to marry Della.
"Im going to shoot straight with you, Woods. Youre a good man. You have a bright future. When the woman you want to marry walks into your life, you will know it and you will want to be married to her. So, seeing as how you arent thinking of marriage to Della just yet, I know, as a man, that you arent sure shes the one for you. I was going to wait but I have decided to ask Della to move to Phoenix and live with us. Jillian is on board with this idea. We stayed up most of last night talking about it. We have an extra bedroom and Della can finish school. Shes only twenty. She needs a family around her. "
I could hear what he was saying but I felt like I had just stepped outside of myself and was watching this conversation happening. This wasnt real. It couldnt be real. This man was not suggesting taking Della away from me. I shook my head before he finished talking and he stopped midsentence.
"No," was all I managed to say. He had blindsided me. I hadnt expected this.
"No?" he repeated as if he didnt understand that word.
"No," I repeated. "Youre not taking Della away from me. Ill follow her. Anywhere she goes I will follow her. Shes it for me. She isnt going to Phoenix. Shes staying here with me. Im going to marry her. No, I havent proposed yet, but I intend to. She just came back to me. Shes finally facing the horrors of her past and letting me help her heal. Shes mine, Nile. She is mine. Shes not going anywhere. "
Nile studied me a moment, then he nodded. A smile touched his lips. "Thats what I wanted to hear," he said, then turned and walked to the tee as if the conversation were over. It wasnt fucking over until he told me he wasnt asking Della to move to Phoenix.
"What does that mean?" I demanded.
Nile glanced back at me over his shoulder. "You showed passion and determination to keep her. You want her forever. I wanted to make sure. Now I just need to make sure she wants the same thing. "