I was on my back on the cot. His knees were on the metal bars on either side of my hips. His hands grasped the cot at my shoulders.
It made talking to Sean difficult, so I said little, but what he was saying was sinking into me.
I wasn’t alone in how I felt.
I said goodbye to Dr. Green and hung up.
North waited quietly over me. I knew what he wanted, but I didn’t want to say it.
“Why do you look like that?” North asked quietly.
He’d climbed over me the moment I flopped back on the cot, sighing without being able to express how I really felt. I couldn’t.
Be brave in front of them. Mr. Blackbourne told me that once. Fake some courage.
I was doing the best I could.
Dr. Green was scared, too.
In a way, it did comfort me a little to know that. The others tried to be so confident, but all I saw were the holes, the problems.
I didn’t want to be here anymore.
At least Dr. Green...Sean...he felt the same way I did. I wasn’t the only one nervous about this new plan, and the new situation. That things might get worse trying to stay than working this out now.
North waited, his hands tightening on either side of the cot. “Tell me.”
I placed the phone against my chest, breathing slowly, thinking of what I could tell him that wouldn’t make him panic, but also would tell him exactly how I felt.
“He...was just telling me to hang in there until tomorrow. I guess he knew I was worried.”
North lowered himself, hovering over me, his face close to mine. His chest touched the backs of my hands, which were still grasping the phone.
“That’s not everything,” he said quietly.
He somehow always knew when I wasn’t being completely honest. And he never let me get away with a half-truth. When the others backed off, he insisted on getting to the heart of everything.
I sighed and closed my eyes. It was easier to address him when I didn’t look at him. “We can’t do this for months,” I said quietly, repeating what was said on the phone. “You can’t hide in here with Jimmy constantly coming around. You all can’t sneak in here all the time. Someone is bound to notice.”
North grunted and pulled away from me. I opened my eyes as he sat at the foot of the cot. He leaned on his knees, staring at the wall darkly.
“Is that it?” he asked.
“I can’t sleep in the attic for months,” I said. I remained on my back, clutching my phone, my energy drained. “And I don’t know if I really want to...”
North grunted. “No one wants you to.”
“I don’t want to be here.”
He turned to me, leaning over, stretching an arm so he could hang on to the bar of the cot. “What do you want?”
I swallowed and looked at him, urging myself to say it without holding back. Somehow, the words spilled from me. “I don’t want explosions,” I said. “I want to help you all finish what was started at school. I want to figure out where I belong in the Academy...with you all.” I paused, staring at him.
He leaned more heavily on his arm over me until his muscle flexed. His other hand went to my face and he touched my chin, holding it between thumb and fingers. “Anything else?”
His warm touch drew out the truth from the depths of my heart. “I want to be with you all. And I don’t want to wait. I feel like I almost had it and now it’s been taken from me.” I licked my dry lips. “I was around everyone I wanted to be around all the time, and I was already at risk of being put in a girl group in the Academy...”
North frowned, sliding his thumb along my chin. “You faced letting us go once, and we finally got permission to keep you with us for a while. Now we’re struggling again to get you to come with us.”
“Only I don’t see it taking a week to sort out,” I whispered. I closed my eyes, blocking out the tears and emotions. I’d cried a lot today. I didn’t want to cry anymore.
I’d had what I wanted. Even if they were fighting among themselves earlier this morning, I’d felt a flicker of victory. The Academy was going to allow me to stay with the guys. It was the first bit of good news I’d had in a long time.
And suddenly I was back at a place where I was hiding in the dark again. Carol talking about moving had me scared that she might make it happen and I’d still have to play along and go with them.
North released me to lie down next to me. I made room for him and repositioned myself until my head was buried against his chest, breathing in the musk, and grasping the black T-shirt. Dr. Green had said to hang on until morning, and I was about to lose it.
North held me close, kissing the top of my head. A hand touched the middle of my back, and he drew me in tightly. “You were never the easy fight,” he said softly. “You were just worth it. But now you’re tired, drained...don’t think anymore tonight, Sang Baby.”
I didn’t want that to be the answer.
I grasped his shirt more tightly, and then he adjusted, removing his hand from my back to take my hands in his. I realized I might have scratched him, and he seemed to be sensitive about his chest.
He held both hands in one of his, brought them to his mouth and kissed the knuckles. “Sang,” he said quietly. “Sleep. I swear, no one wants you to be here for months. We want you with us. If we’re smart about it, we can do this, and in a way that won’t cause...explosions.”
“I don’t know how.”
“We won’t know right this second,” he said. “Because we’re all tired, in shock, and need more information. We’ll be working around the clock, but part of being with us is trusting the rest of us with how you feel, and letting us help.”
“You need to sleep, too.”
“I will. In the morning. In the meantime, I’m here. I’m watching out for you. I’ll be working with whoever else is up tonight. But you can’t help yourself if you don’t sleep. You’re so wound up, you’re shaking.”
I hadn’t realized I was until he said it. He was smooth rock holding me tight, and I was a bumbling mess of nerves beside him.
He kissed my forehead slowly, letting his lips linger on my skin, tracing as he spoke. “The fastest way out, the fastest way to get what we want, is focus and planning. We can’t plan without info. We’re doing that now. Stay calm.”
He said what I needed to hear. The same words of support that Kota and Dr. Green were trying to express. They were working on it. Information first. You’re overtired. Get sleep.
I knew I should, but the well of doubt and fear kept me holding on to North tightly.
That evening, North tucked his arm under my head. We turned off the lamp. A small camping light was left on. North placed it below the cot, so that it gave off enough light if he had to hide, but not enough to be in my eyes while sleeping. It gave a low white glow, hopefully unnoticed through the door cracks. We snuggled t
ogether for a long while.
Only there wasn’t much sleep to be had for me. I tossed around onto my side, my back, my stomach and over again. Despite wanting to sleep, I merely dozed off and on. My mind was plagued with trying to reexamine every angle and come up with an answer.
Could I ever sleep again without an answer to this?
North remained alert for Jimmy or anyone else that might pop in. He texted constantly with Kota and the others to make arrangements. When it was really late, he messaged other Academy members, or researched on the tablet.
I trusted him to gather the information he needed and trusted the others to do what they needed while I was supposed to be sleeping, but it was really hard to ignore, and I waited quietly for him to tell me what I wanted to hear.
We figured it out. We’re leaving now.
When I turned over again, he put a hand on my back, massaging the muscles along my spine. He put the tablet away and kissed the top of my head, cuddling close.
It calmed me, and I tried not to toss around so much.
At some point, North got up out of the cot, and I fell asleep before I could manage to ask where he was going.
Heart of the Family
In the space between being asleep and fully awake, I dreamed I was figuring out how to move walls to hide myself and keep demons out. Faceless people needed help, and I desperately wanted to help them, but couldn’t reach them.
When I woke, Luke was stretched out on the carpet next to the cot. He had his arms tucked under his head, using them as his only pillow as he slept. The lamp under the cot created a low glow around his face, giving his high cheekbones and nose highlights as if he wore makeup. His blond hair was loose, draped across the black carpet fibers.
One lock rested against his cheekbone and curled around the underside of his chin. His hair had gotten longer. It easily passed his shoulders now. I hadn’t noticed it, but realized he kept it clipped most of the time. How long would he grow it out?
He was barefoot, wearing jeans and a white button-down shirt, partially unbuttoned so his stomach was showing, belly button lifting and falling with each breath he took. The shirt almost looked like a short-sleeved version of Victor’s Armani shirts with patch pockets. One of them was bulked up, the outline of a cell phone tucked into it.