More than that, I hated that Liam was right. It had taken him to make me see my own ignorance. I had been fooling myself thinking putting off choosing was an answer. I had only been drawing things out, dragging them down with me in my misery of thinking I’d eventually have to say goodbye to the majority of them.
One thing I did know: from here on, things would never be the same.
Impatience
When I finally emerged from the bathroom, I grabbed a muffin from the tray Liam had brought and then curled up on the sofa to eat it. As I nibbled, I listened to Fancy mumble who knew what in her sleep and counted the moments ticking by, knowing Liam and Axel were talking with the others.
I tried to think of how to help Raven, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the others. My heart hadn’t stopped beating fast, and in the quiet moments, alone for practically the first time since I’d gone overboard, my head was only filled with one thing.
Could I ever get them to go back to what we had been? Screw the Academy. I didn’t care about it. I just wanted to be around them.
Blake, too. Despite our first few days around each other, despite having shot him in the leg and despite all the trouble I had caused him, he continued to come after me. I remembered him telling me how miserable he’d been when he’d tried to break away from me and instead found himself crawling back to help me when I’d called. He’d given in, and he would continue to fight for me.
I would never have admitted before that I felt the same for him. What’s more, he’d tried his best to be friendly with Axel and the others when I’d asked him to. He was willing to forego his own desires to keep me to himself, knowing I couldn’t give up on the group.
Axel, in his own way, was being so patient with me, something I had never experienced before. I might walk away, but somehow I always returned to him. He forced me to be honest with him about how I felt. He could see right into me, and saw me for who I was and demanded that I be just that: myself.
And the others…I could picture their faces and my heart ached. It was torture to be down here with Fancy when they were out there, talking about this.
But Liam was right. If I was there, it would fuel their anger. I was sore, still tired, and very frustrated that, under the circumstances, they had to learn this way. What if Brandon got so mad he tried to go beat up Blake? I couldn’t hold him back if he really wanted to.
Would he be upset with Axel about last night, too? Every move I was making, felt like an endless circle of I had to tell the others and it may hurt them more.
I wasn’t afraid they’d hurt me, but once they learned my secrets, what would happen to their friendships? It could hurt Raven, too.
Who would stay? Who would refuse? Would my actions break up the group?
The muscles in my legs twitched and I wanted to pace but was afraid of making too much noise. I was surprised how I trusted Liam in this. He’d said he’d been through it, but had he really? Or had he just told me that to get me to talk?
Yet, as I thought about it, I did believe him. It seemed too far-fetched a thing to just make up.
Maybe I really wanted to believe him. Somehow what he’d said, or maybe how he’d said it, gave me some minor hope that they’d listen to his story and see that side of it.
Maybe they’d picture us like that. Not married, but maybe it didn’t have to be just one-on-one and the rest had to give up.
And was that what I really wanted?
I finished the muffin and lay down. Then sat up. A few minutes later, I lay back down and rolled over. The longer I waited, the harder it was to stay still.
At seven a.m., I finally woke Fancy and asked her if it was okay if I picked out some clothes.
She didn’t like that I’d woken her up, but she liked the idea of dressing me up.
I needed to do something, anything, to keep my mind off of what was going on.
Also, I was still in the bathrobe, and if someone showed up, I wanted to be dressed and prepared to go.
And if they came down here to fight, I needed to be ready.
I also wanted to get started helping Raven. It might be the last thing I did for them if it all fell apart.
Before I’d been thrown overboard, I’d been known as Kitty Lane, a meek girl in glasses who was the secret investor for old Mr. Murdock. With my return, I couldn’t be Kitty and I couldn’t be Kayli. I needed a new image. I couldn’t keep sneaking around in a hoodie and hope no one recognized me.
After Fancy worked her magic, I had brown eyes instead of green, and my long brown hair was covered by a short black wig. The makeup she put on me gave me an Asian look. Even the bone structure of my face seemed to have changed due to her makeup magic. A padded bra, a slim-fitting dark sweater, and dark pants, and I was unrecognizable.
“You should probably change how you talk as well,” Fancy said when I was done, and she had me turn around to evaluate the disguise. “I mean, I hardly believe it’s you, but I can pick up your voice when I hear it.”
“How should I talk?” I asked.
“Slower,” she said. “More Yankee, maybe.”
I’d been born in Charleston, and while I’d never picked up a heavy Southern accent, I imagined I probably sounded Southern to anyone not from here. I twisted my lips and tried, “Hello. I’m from New York,” I said, dragging out the o sounds.
She winced. “Well, maybe you should work on it… a little.”
This made me nervous to leave the suite, but I couldn’t spend all of my time inside a room until the cruise was over. “I’ll try not to talk to anyone. It’s probably best if I don’t.”
I excused myself to use the bathroom as Fancy crawled into bed. “I’m done for the day,” she said just before I closed the door behind myself. “Wake me up tomorrow.”
Just as I was sliding my pants down, I felt the light edge of a cramp. It wasn’t the crippling pain like before, when I had been doubled over. This time, it was more like period cramps, painful but a level I was used to.
When I sat down on the toilet, I felt my period begin.
Relief washed over me. Axel had told me he was snipped a while ago. I hadn’t asked about Blake, however, and I’d meant to check in with the ship’s doctor at some point about a morning-after pill. I should have told him about not having birth control myself. It wasn’t like a condom was in reach on the beach, but he had pulled out. I just needed to be double sure.
Since my period was starting, it most likely meant I wasn’t pregnant. That meant one thing off of my to-do list.
It might also explain why I’d had severe cramps yesterday, perhaps exacerbated by stress. Blake might have been wrong about it being female blue balls. Or maybe he was right, but it had been worsened by the stress, aggravating the usual day-before cramping.
Still, something seemed off with my body. I’d had my period two weeks ago. How could I be having it again already? This wasn’t normal. Not for me, at least.
Panic erupted from the back of my brain. I’m dying. I broke something. I have cancer. I imagined all the horrible things a doctor could tell about my body parts.
But I had seen a doctor only yesterday. He’d said heavy stress could be hard on the body, and if I’d been sick, it could mess with a menstrual cycle.
I’d almost drowned last night, and today I was trying to find out who had tried to kill me. My life was about to change with the guys. My stress levels were very, very high. It was becoming hazardous.
I created a makeshift pad out of toilet paper and made a mental note that the next time I stopped by one of the public restrooms, I’d see if it had a pad vending machine. I’d been able to break those open since I was twelve, so I’d never had to ask my father to buy me any. Not that he would have, since all his money went to booze.
I took a couple Tylenol tablets from Fancy’s stash to ward off any cramps and left the bathroom.
I stopped short in the bathroom doorway. Blake was standing next to the couch in on
ly black boxer briefs. Fancy stood nearby, holding a makeup brush. She tapped at a compact and then dusted his neck, the makeup changing his skin tone. His arms and body looked wet, darker than normal, and there was a bottle of spray-on tan on the bed.
My heart leaped at seeing him here. Liam had said they wouldn’t be allowed to see me unless they proved they weren’t going to fight or cause trouble.
Part of me relaxed; Blake Coaltar would be by my side. He’d said so, and in a way, he was proving it by being here.
I paused in the doorway, simply taking in the sight of him undressed. I admired his lean body, and particularly, the V shape of his hips. His blond hair was a little messy, and he had a few bruises along his arms and legs. While I’d had sex with him on the beach, it had been dark and I had barely seen him.
But seeing him now heated me up inside; I was attracted to him all over again.
The new dark color of his skin made his golden hair stand out. Wasn’t that going to draw more attention?
My eyes drifted to his leg, to a particularly reddish spot with a gnarly scar on top.
The wound from where I’d shot him. It looked horrible. I realized I was staring and then looked up, finding him looking back at me.
I smiled, thrilled to see him. I wanted to ask him a million things, but with Fancy there doing his makeup, I bit my tongue.
Blake examined me and then did a double take. “Please tell me it’s you, Kayli,” he said.
“If you recognized her, I fucked up,” Fancy said.
“I had to assume,” he said. “I was worried for a second that you’d brought up one of the beach bunnies.”