Robert had been napping in his playpen in the living room but was now awake and gurgling. She scooped him up. I watched the smile cross Ava’s face and felt my heart warm.
She went over and gave her baby a kiss on his face before we walked outside to join the boys. The door to the porch was standing open, so they didn’t hear us coming. Tom had his back to us, and Mason was at a slight diagonal from him. He didn’t notice us before talking.
“So, what’s going on with you and Amanda?” he asked. “You guys seem to be getting close.”
My breath caught slightly in my chest as I waited to hear what he was going to say. Ava’s eyes slid over to mine. She had a slight smile on her face, like she felt the same anticipation. But Tom’s answer was enough to wipe both of our faces blank.
“Nothing. She’s my secretary. It’s strictly professional,” he said.
It was like a wrecking ball had swung directly into the middle of my gut. I was so stunned, I couldn’t even move. Ava cleared her throat angrily, and Tom turned around. His face dropped, his expression going to surprise and shock.
I could only feel sadness now I knew what he really thought.
“Well,” I said to Ava, “I guess that’s a conversation I don’t need to have. Will you give me a ride back to the hotel?”
Tom rushed to put his beer down and jump to his feet, coming around the side of the chair where he was sitting so he could come toward me.
“You can ride with me,” he said. “We can leave now if you want to.”
I shook my head and held up a hand to stop his progress toward me. “No need. I don’t want to impose.”
He started to say something else, but I turned and rushed back into the house before he could. Ava hurried after me.
“Susan, I’m going to take Amanda back to the hotel. I’ll be back,” she said.
We got into her car, and I stared directly in front of me. I didn’t want to look at her, afraid of the emotions that might hit me if I did. I wasn’t crying, but that came as a surprise. If I knew I would hear Tom say something like that, I would have expected to be a mess.
Instead, it was almost as though I couldn’t bring myself to cry. All I could do was sit there in silence and stare.
Ava mercifully stayed silent with me throughout the drive. When we got back to the hotel, she walked me up to the room.
“You know,” she said, “Tom hasn’t exactly had the best track record when it comes to relationships. He doesn’t date and as far as I know has never had a real connection with any woman. Maybe he just doesn’t want to come to terms with his feelings yet.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think he ever can. And I can’t just keep waiting around and hoping.”
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
“I’m going to go home,” I said. “He doesn’t really need me here. He’s taking care of everything with the family, and I’m going to give him his space to do that. I can handle work from the office, and if he needs me at one of the meetings he has, I can join remotely just like him.”
She looked like she wanted to argue with me, but she didn’t. She gathered me into a tight hug, then left. I took a few seconds to get my thoughts together, then went to my computer and pulled up the company website. I knew there were openings in other areas of the company, and I went to the online application. Once that was filled out, I packed my bags and went to bed.25TomWhen I got into the hotel room, it was already dark and quiet. The box fan that Amanda insisted on ordering to help her sleep was in the door of the bedroom, droning on at a low level. Amanda was most likely already deep asleep, and I didn’t want to wake her, especially not when waking her would only result in the difficult conversation that I knew lay ahead.
I fucked up, and I knew it. Talking that way to Mason, out loud in mixed company, was not only stupid, but wrong. As much as I wanted to believe that we would go back home and things would return to normal while I figured out how I wanted to proceed, I knew it wouldn’t work like that. Things had gone too far with Amanda now, and I had to make some choices about how I was going to make them work when we got back.
I should have said that to Mason when he asked. I mean I didn’t know how we were going to make it work, but that I was figuring it out. I should have said anything other than what I did. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t admit what I knew was going on because then it would make it real. If I did that, it could have messed up everything, and the last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat.