Erik lifts our joined hands, pulls them to his mouth, and kisses the skin above my wrist. “So Billy lived at home then?”
“Yeah. And it was more than manageable. We had a motorized lift to help us get him from the bed to the wheelchair or into the tub as he grew bigger. We had a van that could transport him around. Mom and I as a team together handled him just fine.”
“That’s a lot of responsibility to put on your shoulders as a child,” he says carefully, not wanting to malign my parents, I’m sure.
“It wasn’t a lot until I got older and had the strength and maturity to really help. But still, my years as a teenager and all the fun things associated with it often took a backseat to Billy. If both my parents were working, it was up to me to watch him or drive him to therapy. Billy always came first and as much as I loved him, it made me resent him.”
“I would have to think that was a completely natural feeling to have, particularly at that age,” Erik tells me.
“I know,” I tell him with a long sigh. “I tell myself that all the time, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.”
Erik releases my hand and puts his arm around me, pulling me in close to him. I have to hold my coffee cup out to the side so it doesn’t spill. He hugs me into his side tight and kisses the top of my head.
“At any rate,” I continue on. “I abandoned Billy when I went to LA. Left my parents high and dry, and by the time Billy got to his teens, he became too big and heavy for my mom to handle on her own. Of course, there were some benefits to the home, as Billy got a lot more socialization, but still…it’s hard to let go of your son like that, you know?”
“You were allowed to try to make your own way in the world, Blue.” I pull back from Erik so I can look him in the eyes at such a brash assertion. “Billy was your parents’ responsibility, not yours.”
“Rationally, I know that. In my heart, it’s hard to accept. Especially since they ended up moving him to a group home because my mother couldn’t handle it anymore on her own. And when I left, I hardly ever came back to visit. I loved my newfound freedom so much, I only came home at Christmas. I was too busy with the glitz and glamour—the false sense of belonging that I had out there—that I turned my back on my brother. And I’m not talking about caring for him physically…I’m talking about as a sister, I wasn’t there for him.”
I thought I’d be able to get all that out without crying but my nose stings and wetness fills my eyes. Erik looks at me solemnly, making no move to try to stop me from crying. He rests a hand on the stone paver under his hip, leaning in toward me. “What did you hope to accomplish by telling me that?”
I bite at my lip for a brief moment. “I just needed you to know why Billy is so important to me, now more than ever. I have a lot to make up to him, and like it or not, he’s my sole responsibility now.”
Erik doesn’t answer me. He just sets his coffee cup down before taking mine from my hand. He places it next to his and then leans into me for a kiss. I’m immediately consumed, wanting to put behind me the unpleasantness of what I just told him.
But I’m glad I did it. My heart already feels lighter even as I start to get pulled under from the magic of his mouth.
I let go and just feel him.Chapter 16ErikI’ve never been to Dave & Buster’s before today but I’m sure as shit coming back. Any place that serves beer and has life-size, Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots is my kind of hangout. We had an afternoon game today against Detroit and it sucked donkey balls because we lost 2–1.
However, I will say the day is shaping up to be a lot better.
The van I’d arranged to transport Billy to his first hockey game picked up Blue at her house, and then they went to the Cresson. Blue had told me that Billy was completely recovered from the flu bug and was beyond excited about the game. I gave her a jersey for Billy to wear and hoped he didn’t think it was too cocky that it’s one of my jerseys.
At the arena, I’d had a dedicated usher waiting to escort them to their seats on the first level. The handicapped area is really some of the best viewing in my opinion. There’s ample space for wheelchairs and scooters, as well as regular seating. Blue knew all of this ahead of time, but what she didn’t know was that I arranged for the usher to bring her and Billy down to the ice level through the team elevators so they could watch us warm up from the Zamboni alley. I can’t say that I was performing at my best during the pregame skate, as I couldn’t stop looking over at Billy and Blue—mostly Blue watching Billy smile and cheer.