She squeezes my fingers when I pause, giving me the courage to continue.
“Them shoving me in your direction was another way for them to control my life. We’d already lost the farm. I was already working your nan’s land rather than our own family plots. Dad was hinting about football taking too much time, and I knew before long he’d insist that I quit. And quitting football only opened the door for me to quit school. Looking back, I’d do it all. Football doesn’t matter. School doesn’t matter. Working someone else’s cattle doesn’t matter. I’d do it all with a smile on my face if I could have one more conversation with my dad.”
My own eyes burn with tears, but I don’t stop talking, afraid that if I wait too long, I’ll quit altogether.
“I no longer had control of my destiny. My dreams, my goals, the things I wanted to do in life no longer mattered. You became the focus of that anger. You were a tangible thing for me to fight against, the only way I could get some level of control back in my life. I knew I’d quit football, quit school, but I didn’t have to like you. That was one thing I could control, but then you showed up in those cutoff shorts and bright gray eyes, and for a second I forgot that I was supposed to hate you.
“I forgot that you were the enemy. I got hard the first day I saw you watching me from the window, and I hated myself for it. Each time I was alone with you, I wanted to kiss you and hold you and smell your skin, and the anger only multiplied because I couldn’t control my feelings, my desire. I couldn’t control my body when you were around. Kissing you, touching you became moments of weakness, moments when I let myself just feel, and God, Frankie, did I feel everything in those moments, but then it would piss me off. I’d get so angry at myself for letting some girl I hardly knew come in and take over every damn thought in my head.”
I pause, needing a moment to catch my breath.
“I wanted to keep my distance. I needed to prove to myself that I was capable of making my own choices rather than settling for what everyone else thought I should have. What I couldn’t wrap my head around was the fact that Mrs. Jacobson and my parents were right. You were perfect for me. You’re everything I never thought to want, and then Dad died. I was a stubborn fool with him too. I didn’t get to tell him the things he needed to hear before he was gone, so that’s why I went to the ranch that night. I wasn’t thinking clearly, but being there meant I was closer to you and that soothed a part of me somehow. I wanted to tell you everything then. I wanted you to know what you meant to me, how I felt. I didn’t want the sun to rise without you knowing exactly how I felt.
“And like an angel you appeared in the barn, as if we were connected on a visceral level and you were drawn to me to ease my pain. I couldn’t even speak when you whispered my name in the doorway. All I could think about was making you mine. I wanted to offer you the world, but all I had was my body, and giving to you the last thing I had left, a piece of me no one else ever had was all I had to offer. I thought you’d shove me away, but you didn’t. You gave a piece of yourself to me that night as well, both of us relinquishing precious gifts that can only be given once.”
Her fingers tighten on mine to the point that I open my eyes and roll my head in her direction.
“Y-You were a virgin, too?” Her eyes search mine, and for the first time since I met her, she seems completely open to me.
“Yeah.” I smile weakly. “Why else do you think it was over so damn soon?”
Her eyes are bright, but she doesn’t laugh at my weak confession.
“But you left me. I woke up cold and alone. My heart broke in the barn that morning. You used me and walked away.”
I shake my head violently as I open my mouth to speak. “I had to go back home and help Mom with funeral arrangements. I didn’t want her to be alone right after losing Dad.”
More tears fill her eyes as her lip trembles. “You didn’t—”
Her words just stop as her body shakes with a sob.
“It killed me to walk away early that morning, but I went back to the ranch after the sun came up, after I made sure Mom was going to be okay. I realized that although we had an amazing night, I still didn’t tell you everything I needed to say. When I got there, you were gone. No goodbye, no note. I didn’t even have your phone number. I was destroyed. I lost Dad, then mere hours later, I lost you. It was all too much, so I went back to the only thing that made me resilient. I went back to the anger and the hatred. Loving you after you left was just too hard for me.”