“How do you feel about her?”
“Honestly?”
She grinned. “I want all your honest feelings.”
“In that case, she intimidates me.” Especially after the conversation Jonah and I had last night while I drew on his skin. I was hoping it would have been more romantic than it was, but I’d wanted to know more about Eliza and Jonah had obliged.
Dr. Morales waited patiently for me to continue.
I looked up at the stark white ceiling with the crystal chandelier I thought was odd for a doctor’s office. “Eliza and I are very different. She’s a powerhouse corporate woman who knows exactly what she wants in life. She was the one to pursue Jonah.”
“That bothers you.” She was so perceptive.
“Only because he really loved that about her. It makes me feel guilty for pushing him away a long time ago, and even now for being afraid of my feelings for him. I worry he’ll want her back or she’ll pursue him again when she stays with him.”
Dr. Morales held up her hand. “She’s staying with him?”
“During Christmas, so she can be closer to Whitney.”
Dr. Morales pressed her lips together and thought for a moment. “Are you comfortable with that arrangement?”
“Not exactly, but I don’t feel like I have a say in the matter.”
“Why not?” Dr. Morales seemed surprised. “Have you talked to Jonah about how you feel about it?”
“Not really.”
She scooted her chair closer to me. “Ariana, part of being in a solid relationship is not only being honest with your partner, but with yourself. You need to stop feeling guilty about your feelings.”
“Please tell me how to do that,” I begged.
“It’s not easy, but one suggestion is to look for evidence. Meaning, do you have valid reasons to feel the way you do? You can also look for the emotion behind your feelings of guilt. Are you masking your emotions?”
“All the time,” I laughed softly, though there was nothing funny about the situation.
“Let’s see what we can do about that.” She picked up her notes and scanned them quickly. “I think a lot of this goes back to you feeling helpless. You need to recognize that you’re not helpless anymore. You don’t need your father or anyone else to save you.” She reached out and patted my knee. “Ariana, you saved yourself. You survived, and despite the circumstances of your childhood, you’re a productive member of society. That is a pretty incredible feat, given your background. You need to give yourself credit for that.”
I sat up a little taller.
“Don’t let past traumas define your relationship with Jonah. You need to be honest with him so you can trust your feelings, and even his.”
“That’s what he said.”
“He sounds like a smart guy.”
“He is.”
She grabbed her pen and notes and wrote while she spoke. “Your homework for this week is to keep working on those past traumas. Also, any time you start to feel helpless, I want you to remind yourself you’re not that little girl anymore. List in your head what you have going for you, like your job, home, friends, family. All the things in your life that you created. I also want you to be cognizant of your feelings of guilt. Maybe even write them down in a journal and analyze them. Look for evidence to support your feelings and search out those underlying emotions beneath the guilt. If there is no reason for the guilt, let it go. Also,” she looked up from her notes, “I want you to tell Jonah how you feel.”
“You want me to tell him I love him?” I choked out in a panic.
She pursed her lips together. “I wasn’t talking about that, though you should be working toward that if that’s how you honestly feel. Feelings like those don’t keep well inside. I was talking about his ex-wife.”
“Oh.” My heart rate slowed a bit.
“Can you do that?”
I nodded.
“You’re doing a good job. I think you’re making progress. I’ll see you next week.”
Great. Now all I had to do was tell Jonah I didn’t want Eliza staying with him. That sounded like a lot of fun. Maybe I should start spending my money on something more fun than therapy, like a Brazilian wax job. That would be less painful than this.
~*~
“Dinner was great. Thank you.” I reveled in the feel of our clasped hands swinging between us as we walked in the cold toward the comedy club, High on Laughs.
Jonah tugged on my hand, bringing me closer to him. “I’m glad you agreed to come out with me tonight. I wasn’t sure if you would say yes if Whitney wasn’t part of the package.”
Whitney had been tentative when we’d dropped her off with my grandparents. Until Grandpa brought out his fossil collection and Grandma announced they were having stuffed zucchini for dinner. Whitney was pretty much in heaven. It was weird how much I missed her, though.