Because the truth was ugly. So ugly. And he deserved to burn for it.
The restaurant was small, a trendy, darkly lit place where people who were truly famous went. It was where people went who didn’t want privacy. The perfect place to go to encounter the press. To have pictures taken.
The press. He had to think of the press now and not just his past. Not about the monster prowling around inside of him.
“Do you want to dance?” There was a small dance floor, near the stage. It was intimate and crowded. Just the sort of thing a newlywed couple would be drawn to. He supposed.
“I didn’t think you danced.”
“I don’t,” he said. “Now, would you like the dance or not?”
Leah cocked her head to the side, her curls spilling over her shoulder like a dark waterfall, her eyebrows locked together. “Yes. Yes, I’ll dance with you.”
“All right.” He stood and offered her his hand. “Try not to look like I’ve asked you to join me in front of the firing squad, okay?”
She smiled then. “Aw, Ajax, are you trying humor?”
“Yes. Have I succeeded?”
“Almost.” She took his hand. He curled his fingers around it, relishing her softness. Her warmth.
He took her down to where the other couples were, moving in time with the music and pulled her against him. Before he realized that he truly had no idea how to dance.
“I’ve never done this before,” he said.
She laced her fingers through his, one hand on his shoulder. “That can’t be. You’ve been to hundreds of events with Rachel.”
“And I always told her what I told you that day after our wedding. I don’t dance.”
“So why are you dancing now?”
“Because you’re right. I can’t go storming into the newsroom and threaten to kill people. It wouldn’t be appropriate.”
“Not even a little.”
“And I can’t stop them from printing things like they did today. But dammit, I can work to kill the rumors. I can do my part to make sure no one, anywhere, ever assumes that you’re a backup for anything.”
She blinked and rested her head against his shoulder. “I am, though.”
“I didn’t know Rachel,” he said. “Not really. We never once had a deep conversation. I never told her about my life at my father’s compound. And she wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. She was content to just have a facade, and that was fine by me. Preferable even. But I didn’t know her. She didn’t know me. I didn’t know you, either. But I’m starting to. And I think...I think you now know me better than any other person on earth.”
“Really?” Her words were muffled by his suit jacket.
“Yes. Really. Starting from when you used to come and visit me. Do you remember that?”
She laughed, a watery sound. “Of course.”
“You brought me chocolate. It always made me... I felt like someone was thinking of me. Me, not my business acumen, or anything else. Just me. And now you’re the only woman who knows about my past. The only woman who has ever been with me...as a man. As anything other than the stupid, selfish boy I was. So I think you officially know me better than anyone.”
“I guess I do.”
“And you’re here with me. You didn’t run. And now that I know you, now that I know you as a woman, a woman who will not hesitate to yell at me, to take a cut out of my ego with a sassy remark, I find that...I find that I don’t believe another woman would be right for me.”
“But am I right for you? Or is it just that anyone would be wrong?” She lifted her head and looked at him, golden eyes sparkling.
“I don’t know. But we’re together.”
“After three weeks of marriage. Someone get us a medal.”
“I don’t know that I really understand love... I doubt I ever will. I thought I did, but it’s become very clear that I knew an attachment for convenience, and not any sort of real affection or deep emotion. I don’t know if I’m wired to...to know how to give it. My father didn’t love anything but money and power. He taught me to view myself as the final authority, be my own god, worship myself and my needs and...that one moment in my life, when I saw her face...” It made his chest tight to think about it, even after all these years. “That was the first time I ever looked outside of myself. The first time I considered that other people had feelings and needs and hopes and dreams that were just as important as mine. More important. And that I possessed the power to destroy them if I had a mind to.”