I nod. “Sinceeveryoneloves to fix me up, I’ve kept a count of how many first dates I’ve gone on since my divorce.”
Cassandra mumbles, “Shit, and I thought I got around.”
I shake my head. “I don’t sleep with them all. I’ve been divorced for over nine years. Ten first dates a year is hardly a lot. But they’ve started piling up and rarely get to a second date, so we keep count for fun. Anyway, there will not be a date two for lucky number eighty-nine.”
Rayne asks, “Why?”
“Hmm. Where do I start with this gem? He’s the brother of my dentist, who insisted we’d be a perfect match. We were in his car on the way to dinner and a Rihanna song came on the radio. He made some off-color remark about how getting beat up by Chris Brown was the best thing that ever happened to her career. I told him how inappropriate the comment was, and that I sit on the boards of several women’s shelters in the area. That it’s a cause very near and dear to me and not a joking matter. He apologized profusely and begged for a second chance. I reluctantly agreed. We got to dinner and he kept checking his Apple Watch every few minutes. After a dozen or so times, I asked him if he was expecting a text or call. He laughed and said that he tracks his heart rate on dates to gauge his attraction to the person. He said his heart rate was really high, and then asked if I wanted to go back to his place. I got up and left.”
Izzy and Rayne are laughing. Cassandra scrunches her nose. “That line would’ve totally worked on me.”
I can’t help but shake my head and smile at that.
She looks at me. “So which number dates were your post-divorce threesome?”
I look at her in question. “What post-divorce threesome?”
Cassandra gives me a shocked look. “Melissa, don’t tell me you didn’t have a threesome shortly after your divorce. Every woman who gets divorced after the age of forty has a threesome. I think it’s actually called thedivorcee threesome rite of passage. It’s basically your initiation in the post-forty divorced club.”
I stare at her with my mouth open. “I’ve never heard of that.” I look over at Izzy. “Did you do that?”
She bites her lip and gives me a guilty look. “I didn’t mention it to you guys, but I actually did. Right after my divorce. Like my first night out. I was with some of the other divorced moms in the twins’ high-school class. They told me I had to do it. I think they actually used the wordsrite of passage.”
I look at my friend of over thirty years in shock. “How was it?”
She smiles. “It was amazing. Having two guys all over me? I loved it. I would do it again.”
Cassandra can’t help herself. “But you didn’t come, right?”
Izzy shakes her head.
Cassandra mumbles, “It couldn’t have been that amazing.”
Izzy stands her ground. “It was. I really enjoyed having two sets of men’s hands on my body with the goal of pleasing me. You can have a good time without coming.”
Cassandra places her hand over Izzy’s. “Izzy, I really am making it my mission in life for you to have an orgasm. When you do, first you’ll thank me, and then you’ll realize that everything you just said is complete bullshit.”
Izzy rolls her eyes. Rayne and I laugh.
I’m flustered at Cassandra’s comment though. “Why don’t I know about this? It’s not like I haven’t slept with my fair share of men since my divorce.”
Rayne shakes her head and smiles. “Remember, the micro-penis guy doesn’t count.”
“I know he doesn’t because when I physically couldn’t find his penis, I left. I didn’t have sex with him... Not that I felt anyway.” I smile while the girls all laugh.
Cassandra stares at me as though she’s waiting for the story.
I sigh. “I believe he was number twenty-three. He was an attractive, big guy, with big hands and big feet. I just assumed. We were starting to get intimate. I put my hands down his pants and literally couldn’t find anything.”
The girls are cackling now.
“I patted all around, and nothing. At some point he pulled away from the kiss. He knew why I was frustrated and said he was a grower, not a shower. I said,unless you grow about nine inches, I’m going to have to head out. I told him my ex-husband was quite large and that I really couldn’t go backward. So, I left. I’d say I left him hanging, but there really wasn’t anything to hang.”
The three of them are now shaking with laughter. I can’t help but join in. “I can admit, it’s pretty funny. At the time, I was upset, but I see the humor in it now.”
I let them continue with their giggles for a few moments before returning us to the matter at hand. “Back to the threesome thing.”
Cassandra shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ve never met a woman who got divorced after forty who hasn’t gone a little wild and had a threesome. I just assumed everyone has.”