“What’s in your head?”
It’s hard to put my insecurities into words. “Boys suck.”
She laughs. “Amen. Most only pretend to be men, and Chris sounds like a tool. Seriously, you’re not the asshole in this scenario. Hell, I’m shocked you didn’t dump your drink on his head.”
I probably should have. “This is the last straw, Kami. Everyone else seems fine with turning off their emotions to get naked for a few lousy minutes with someone they don’t know and never will. I don’t want that, but I’m so tired of trying to find love, only to hit a brick wall over and over. Why do guys have such an aversion to commitment?”
“Hon, you’re asking for logic from the opposite sex when there isn’t any. They prefer to think with the head down south, rather than the one between their ears. And you know once the little head gets involved, logic goes out the window. Honestly, you trying to find it can only drive youloca.”
“How doesn’t it driveyoucrazy?”
“Because I try not to expect anything more than they’re capable of giving. I know what guys want, and I’ve accepted that they’re really only good for one thing. So I take pleasure from them, and I give them the same in return. I go in without any expectations except having a good time. Think of it as having a flesh-and-blood vibrator that will occasionally go down on you.”
Despite being upset, I laugh. Leave it to Kami to be blunt. “That’s horrible.”
“But true. Friendship, understanding, comfort, and acceptance? Girl, that’s what the other people in your life are for. Your family and friends, your coworkers…and even that hot-as-hell boss of yours all care more about you than any guy you fuck. Don’t think of it as turning off your emotions but fulfilling your base needs. That way, you’ll never be disappointed.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. Someone touching you is awfully personal. Shouldn’t they be close? Someone you like and trust?”
“That’s for the movies. This is the real world.” She sighs. “I know how you’re feeling, but maybe it’s time to give up on this fairy tale. It’s doing you more harm than good. Try a sexcation instead.”
“A what?”
“Sexcation. It’s a vacation of sex.”
“You mean from sex?”
“No,withsex. Think lots and lots of dick.”
“Oh, I doubt I could do that.” If I could, I wouldn’t be in this position.
“How do you know? You haven’t tried.”
Maybe she’s right. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I should try a different tactic. “I guess some time away from finding Mr. Right might be good. Enjoy the sun, so to speak.”
“Now you’re talking. How long has it been?”
“Since what?”
“The last time you had a screaming O that wasn’t induced by your battery-operated boyfriend?”
God, this is embarrassing…and exactly why I don’t talk about my sex life, even with my bestie. “That doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Call me crazy, but maybe screaming O’s from a real-life rooster or two—”
“Rooster?”
She rolls her eyes. “Cock, girl. Keep up. Maybe having real cock is more important right now than finding a boyfriend. Getting endorphins from great dick might put you in a better mindset.”
I seriously consider her point. I haven’t slept with a guy since college, and it wasn’t great. Having sex on a twin mattress covered in sheets that hadn’t been washed in weeks was just as unromantic as it sounds. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I know what it’s like to reach a climax that didn’t come from a vibrator.
“Maybe. But isn’t an orgasm an orgasm? Is it really important to have one from a man?”
Kami freezes, her stare incredulous. “Um, are you breathing oxygen? Of course, they’re important. Obviously, you’re O deprived. Trust me, getting properly laid will help you put things into perspective. Maybe getting out of your comfort zone will help expand your horizons.”
Could sex be as pleasurable as Kami says? I watch movies and read books with sex scenes and wonder if it all feels as good as they imply. Even if it is, I cringe at the idea of a guy I barely know touching me anywhere and everywhere… How is that not hollow and impersonal?
“Having sex with a total stranger icks me out. Besides, what if he’s terrible? What if he has diseases? What if he’s psycho? And what if I suck at the whole sex thing? The last thing I want to do is come off as slutty and desperate.”