“I wanna ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me,” I said.
“Ask away.”
“Would it be possible for me to take some time off? I thought I was doing fine with everything, but it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I need to step away from what’s happened so I can regroup.”
“I’ve been wondering if you were ever gonna ask and the answer is yes. You should take some time off to take care of yourself. We’ll handle things up here while you’re gone.”
I sighed. “I just feel like I’ll be leaving you, Brittany, Evan, and Jonah hanging.”
“No, you won’t. So why don’t you go on home now? See how you feel in a couple of weeks and if you need more time, then let me know. Also, will you do me a favor while you’re out of the office?”
“What?”
“Don’t you fucking dare guilt-trip yourself for taking some time off.”
I chuckled. “You know me too well.”
“Stevie, we all love you being here and kicking ass on these cases, but we’ve got it, so don’t worry.”
“Easier said than done, but I hear you. Thanks for understanding where I’m at right now. My brain is so fuzzy and I’m just… Well, if you only knew how tempted I am to pack my bags, catch a one-way flight to St. Croix in the Virgin Islands,take up residence there, get the best tan ever, and maybe even run into Kenny Chesney walking down the beach. He could strum his guitar and sing a heartbreak song for me while my tears fall into my glass of rum.”
“But you’re a gin girl. Not rum”
“In a tropical paradise like St. Croix, my tastes could very easily change.”
“I highly doubt it.”
Melissa and I shared a smile, and then I said, “As soon as I finish up what I’m doing here with the Bradshaw case, I’ll go let my teammates know my plan for taking off.”
“Okay. And if you decide you want a little girl time while you’re off work then shoot me a text. We can go get pedicures or a massage or go grab a bite to eat at Hoover’s, Joe’s Bakery, or wherever you wanna go.”
“Maybe. Right now, though, I just feel like I need to be alone to really think about my life and what I wanna do with it now that I’m single for the first time since I was sixteen.”
“I understand, but you know where I am if you change your mind.”
“I do. Melissa, thank you for not only being the best boss ever but also for being such a great friend to me.”
“You make it easy to be both.”
After being away from the D.A.’s office for two weeks, I had to go back because I was crawling the walls of my too-quiet house. When Graham and I were together, he’d always had music playing when he was at home, or he’d be watching some kind of sports game. It was all background noise to me and I never thought I’d miss it. I did, though. I missed it a lot.
During my time off from work, I didn’t take up Melissa on her offer to get together. I just stayed at home and slowly went through all of Graham’s belongings. Little by little, I boxed them up and stacked them in the garage. I didn’t trash them, although the thought crossed my mind several times as wave after wave of emotions kept slamming into me.
Other things that I boxed up were all the pictures of Graham and me. Technically, they belonged to both of us, but I didn’t want them and decided to leave it up to Graham to make that choice for himself. The pictures included a collage from our wedding that had been displayed on one of the walls in our bedroom. Before putting it into a box, I studied each picture while remembering who Graham and I used to be. We were so young and so happy and so ready to tackle the world together. We believed we could conquer anything as long as we were together but life ended up conquering us.
Another thing that I did while away from the D.A.’s office was draw up divorce papers and then mail them to Graham at his office address. He signed and mailed them back to me with a yellow sticky note on the front page. He wrote “Thank you, Stevie” on it and I knew exactly what he was thankful for. I decided to split everything down the middle with him instead of financially ripping him to shreds.
After doing some deep soul-searching about my role in the dissolution of our marriage, crying even more tears, and also drinking probably too much gin and tonic, I finally accepted what Graham accused me of. I’d neglected him emotionally and physically. We hadn’t had a real conversation in months, although I remembered him trying to initiate several after I thought about it. The typical exchange of words between us had become nothing more than chit-chat. A daily checking in with each other and then separately going about whatever it was that we wanted to do inside the house or outside of it.
Graham and I also hadn’t had sex in almost a year even though we still slept in the same bed. We hadn’t really kissed each other either in that length of time. Just an occasional peck on the lips that usually came from him to me when saying goodbye before he left home in the mornings to go to work. I’d truly thought we were just going through that phase I’d witnessed other couples go through after being together for more than a few years. I also thought it’d eventually pass. I never worried about it because I was more worried about taking care of my caseload at the D.A.’s office. Graham was right. Iwasmarried to my job instead of him and it was my mistake. My huge, regrettable, fucking mistake that was too late for me to do anything about.
After receiving the signed divorce papers from Graham, I texted him about picking up the boxes of his belongings that I’d put in the garage. When he showed up, he looked as drained as I knew I did. We politely spoke to each other, I helped him load the boxes into the back of his truck, and then I asked him about getting his half of what was inside the house. He shook his head no and told me to keep it.
Standing in the driveway with him on that late afternoon, I watched him turn to leave but then called out his name. When he turned back around, I walked up to him to do what I’d been wanting to do. I apologized to him for how I’d treated him—for being a roommate instead of his wife.
“Stevie,I’msorry,” he said. “I am so damn sorry for what I did. You being wrapped up in your job was no excuse for me to have done it.”
“Graham?”