I kissed him. He kissed me back.
Maybe he needs time to process.
“Tai?”
He slowly turns around, treading water. He looks at me. The expression in his eyes has changed. It’s harder somehow. Distant.
“It’s just a goat,” I tell him, half-joking.
He doesn’t smile.
Shit. Did I screw everything up?
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, my stomach all swirling with knots.
“Why are you sorry?” he asks. He doesn’t swim any closer, his voice is flat.
“For kissing you.”
“You have to stop apologizing for those things.”
“Then I’m sorry…for whatever has made you turn cold like this.”
He frowns, his gaze turned away. “I’m not cold…I…”
“If you’re still mad about the boat, I get it. I hate myself for what I did and I’m so, so sorry. It was an accident, I—”
“Stop,” he says sharply. His brow furrows sympathetically, face softening. “I’m not mad at you Daisy. I was mad. I was…scared. And I’m sorry I took it out on you, I shouldn’t have, and I know you obviously didn’t do it on purpose. I know it was an accident.” He pauses, worrying his lip between his teeth. “I should have told you this earlier and I’m a dick for not doing so. Sometimes my stubbornness gets the best of me. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my head…it’s like I can’t see the big picture anymore.”
My chest feels lighter, like it suddenly has wings. I can’t help but smile at his forgiveness. I mean, yes, it would have helped if he told me this earlier, but still.
“I totally get it,” I tell him.
“You don’t,” he says softly. “I never hated you, Daisy, but I hate myself. Because I know it’s my fault.”
“Your fault? I’m the one who pushed autopilot.”
He shakes his head, the pool reflecting in his eyes. “I should have been more prepared that night. I shouldn’t have even gone to sleep, should have stayed up with Richard. You…I let myself be distracted by you, Daisy. I went to sleep because I wanted to at least sleep with you. Beside you. Just once. You make it so hard to think about anything else. And that’s my job. I need to be thinking about everything else. I’m the captain and it’s my duty to look after the ship, to look after everyone and make sure they’re safe. And that night, I couldn’t do it.”
Oh. Well, jeez.
“You did make sure everyone is safe, Tai. We’re all here, we’re all alive. I know you didn’t save the boat but it’s still on the reef, it can be salvaged.”
“No,” he says angrily. “It can’t be. It’s gone. She’s gone.”
I’m not sure if he’s talking about the boat or his sister. It might be both.
I swim toward him, placing my hand around his waist.
“Please, Daisy,” he murmurs, closing his eyes. “I can’t…”
I ignore the sting of rejection.
“You did your job, Tai. You saved us. You got us off that ship. Now we’re here and we’re alive. Let yourself feel that. Let yourself be alive, too.”
I watch him closely, the way he’s breathing heavily through his nose, the pain on his brow. I’m probably making things worse. I should probably let go.
“I was married,” he says. The words come out heavy, sinking into the water.
I let go of his waist, shocked. “What?”
He glances at me briefly. “I was married. For three years. Her name was Holly. Is Holly. She’s still out there, married again, with kids. Which is fine, that’s something she always wanted. Can’t say I did.”
I’m so stunned, I don’t even know how to file this information into my brain. He was married? What else is he keeping from me?
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask.
He shrugs with one shoulder out of the water. “Wasn’t important.”
“It’s kind of important.”
“Why?”
“Because…maybe it explains why you’re so grumpy.” One of the explanations anyway.
“Can’t a man be a grump? Does he need a reason?” he says half-heartedly.
“How long ago? I mean, when did you get divorced?”
“Four years ago or so? It was amicable.”
“An amicable divorce? That’s hard to believe. What happened?”
He sighs. “Nothing happened. One day she decided she didn’t love me anymore. She never cheated, I don’t think. She just decided I wasn’t worth fighting for. She wouldn’t do couples counselling, wouldn’t listen to my side of things. The side that told her I loved her. She just…suddenly didn’t care anymore.”
“God,” I whisper.
“I’m over it now,” he says. “But it took some time. Not only to get over her but to get over the damage she did. Makes it really hard to trust someone, you know?”
Yeah. I know.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“Me too. But it’s for the best at any rate. You want to know the funny thing? I’d been screwed over before that. I thought Holly was different. Special. She worked at the marina with me, she was low-maintenance, she was one of the boys. She wasn’t…”