What the fuck?
“Oh.” Is all I muster.
“So no kids then?”
I don’t know what to say, I just nod.
“I get it, but I am surprised.”
Eventually, I shake my head from my stupor and find my words. “You’re okay with that?”
“Of course! This life isn’t for kids. I wouldn’t wish it on them. But isn’t that a big deal for your family, or tradition, or something?”
It’s like the world has stopped turning. She is perfect in every way, perfect for me.
“I told you before. I never wanted to get married. Never wanted to have kids. I didn’t want to have to pass this onto my son.”
She nods, accepting that, understanding that. Is this what a relationship is? Is this what a marriage is?
“Okay, so, no kids,” she says, simply.
My gut twists, feeling something unsettling swirling inside. “Did you not want kids?”
“Um… I mean, not exactly. I never really wanted to marry into this life. So, I did think about what it would be like. I never had a mother, so thinking about me being one, well it was scary, but I thought it was something I’d have liked.”
It’s like she shot me straight through the heart.
“But I agree,” she continues. “This life isn’t fair, and there’s too much pain that comes with it, losing people either by death or by getting locked up. I am completely on board with the no kids. It’s the right thing to do.”
No, it’s not.
I want to give her everything.
Lilly would make an amazing mother. Any child would be the luckiest in the world to have her. I would be the luckiest man in the world to have her as the mother of my children. But she is right and there’s no way I’m sentencing another generation to this.
“What if we weren’t in this life?” My eyes are fixed on her, taking in every reaction, every move.
She laughs a little nervously, and she shifts in her seat. “What are you talking about?”
“If we were clean. If we were straight, would you still not want children?”
“I don’t get the question.”
“If our family went straight. Would you want children?” I ask again.
“Would you?” she asks, a quizzical frown on her face.
Would I? After all these years knowing it was never in the cards for me, never what I wanted, swearing on my mama’s life to never give a kid that kind of pain.
But surprisingly the answer is easy.
“Yes.” I reach across the table, taking her hand with mine and finding my ring that cements our union on her delicate finger. “With you, I would really like to.”
Her breath hitches and she stops breathing for a few moments just staring at me like her world has tipped on its axis.
“Would you?” I ask and hold my breath.
She doesn’t make me wait long, she nods ever so slightly.