He smiles at me knowingly and juts his head toward the house. I squint toward the darkness and can just make out the figure of someone standing in the doorway, her hand propping open the door as she peers out at us. I step out of the car, the light from the open door shining on me just enough to illuminate the small bundle on my chest. She steps from the doorway and to the edge of the porch. Her voice quivers when she says my name. “Phoenix?” The real question she’s asking lingers between us.
I nod once and she walks toward me, her steps careful, almost like she’s afraid of the ground opening up and swallowing her whole. When we’re just a few feet apart, she stops and looks at me with fear in her eyes.
“Is it him?”
I nod. She covers her sobs with her hand and for a minute I think she might fall to her knees in the mud as she stumbles backward.
“Can I take him?” she asks. “Is he sleeping?”
Her hesitancy confuses me. I expected her to run toward me and snatch him from my arms. She’s scared, I realize. That this is a dream perhaps, or that he won’t know who she is after all this time.
“Gwen,” I say. “He’s your baby. This is Rebel. He will know you. He belongs with you.”
She’s trembling as she reaches for him, her bottom lip quivering. Rebel lets out a little squeal when she lifts him from my arms. She cradles him, studying his face in awe.
“He’s bigger,” she whispers. “He’s so big.”
She lifts him to her lips and kisses his forehead just as he opens his eyes. One of Gwen’s tears hits Rebel’s cheek and he blinks in surprise. I’m praying he doesn’t cry, afraid that it will hurt Gwen. He stares up at her carefully before opening his mouth in a giant yawn. Gwen starts to laugh, the tears streaming down her face. She throws her head back laughing in joy as she clutches her boy to her chest.
And of all the things I’ve done, nothing feels quite like this.
TWENTY-NINE
PHOENIX
Prairie voles spend most of their time with their mate and are affectionate and monogamous.
We leave the farmhouse around two and head back to the city. It’s hard to let Jackal go, but he has to get back to the compound before daylight. Nordice expects him to be arriving from the Red this morning. And I’m still nervous about her, but the pilot has continued covering for him so far.
“I’ll find you tonight,” he says.
We kiss one more time and he leaves, smiling at me over his shoulder.
My body feels sluggish from the long night. I grin when I see the state of my bed—hardly any covers actually on the bed at all; they’re piled high on the floor. I collapse onto the bare mattress and fall into a deep sleep.
Gwen and Rebel are in the kitchen when I arrive after work. I stand in the doorway and watch them for a minute, not wanting to disrupt their solitude. She’s rocking him and gazing down at his face with such adoration my eyes immediately fill. She looks up at me and the first thing I think is that she finally looks at peace.
“Phoenix—” she says. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I say, tiptoeing in. “Is he asleep?”
“Almost…”
I slide into a chair, trying to be quiet.
“Listen,” she starts.
“Don’t,” I tell her. “You don’t need to.”
“You don’t understand,” she says, shaking her head. “They just took him from me. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t know…” She pauses to wipe the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t know if I’d ever get to see him again.” Her voice quivers and I swallow my own emotions, resisting the urge to cry. “How do you properly thank someone for giving back your child?” she asks.
I reach across the table and grab her hand. She squeezes my fingers, our eyes locked.
“He’s perfect,” she says, looking down at him.
“He is,” I agree.
She stands and brings him to me. He gazes up at me and my heart melts into the floor. She hands him out for me to take him.