Mac repeated, “I’ll be me.”
Her eyes flew to him, then away again; resigned.
“Hm.” He approached her, ordering her, “Take the shirt off and get in the hammock.”
“What?”
Reaching for the hem, he started drawing it up. “I said, off.” She didn’t move away or protest. She stared up at him in confusion as he removed his shirt from her, her color heightening. As soon as it was tossed aside, he urged her toward the hammock. “In.”
Baffled, Cassidy did as she was bid and climbed into the hammock. She was pretty sure it wasn’t graceful as she backed into it, looking up at him, then sitting. She caught her balance before swinging her legs up and laying back, arms over her head to situate herself in the middle of the soft and comfortable contraption rocking under her efforts.
He sat on the railing, a pleased smile on his face. He was delighted as he perused her. When he finally dragged his eyes up to meet hers, his smoldered with lust and satisfaction. He jerked his in chin at her. “If you could see what I’m seeing, you’d want to fuck yourself.”
Cassidy drew in a breath, her cheeks burning. His grin broadened. She glanced down at herself, laid out for him in his hammock, one arm bent over her head, elongating her frame. Her other hand was still gripping the side of the swing from when she’d taken a seat. Her breasts were on full display for him, swollen with nipples firm and erect under his heated gaze. The planes of her stomach and abdomen scaled down to her sex; she had one leg straight and the other bent forward, shyly shielding herself.
Looking back at him, he was still staring at her, both amorous and serious. “You’ve heard of rock bottom?”
Cassidy frowned, her eyes narrowing, not sure where he was going with that statement. Was it a sexual reference? “I don’t know. I know what I think it means.”
A brief, amused smile lifted his lips but disappeared as quickly. “I mean it the same way you do. Nowhere else to go but up if you manage to crawl out of the despair.”
Lowering her arm, hugging herself around her middle, she dropped her gaze. Yes, she knew rock bottom; had dwelled there a long time.
Mac waited until she raised her eyes to him again, prompting him to go on. “I started hitting mine after I woke up in the hospital.”
She stared back at him, her small frown creating a crease between her brows. “Josie…?”
“Not Josie. I’d had years to beat myself up about Josie. Was beating myself up about her; never will let myself off the hook for her. But you, Day—fuck.“ He ran his hand over his mouth again, shaking his head. He contemplated the scar on his arm a moment before looking back at her. “Not because it was the second time I’d done it, but because it was you.You.”
She shook her head; she didn’t understand what he was saying.
“Fucked up that it takes something that fucked up to realize what someone means to you. You mean a whole fucking lot to me. I came out of that determined to have you. Really have you. Grady was filling my head with shit about how it was possible, we could make it work, romantic son of a bitch that he is.” Lowering his head, he pinned her through hooded lids, intensifying the effect. “I stopped fucking around, Day. Haven’t touched another woman since then. You’re all I want.”
Cassidy blinked owlishly at him.
“I don’t need anyone else. I’ve been trying to work on the shit in my head.” Embarrassment passed over his features. “Grady and Silas have been kicking me in the ass, keeping my head in the game. Signed up for online counseling through the VA. Grady never stopped pushing; gave me a talisman, I suppose you’d call it, when he was here last. Something he knew—in a way only Grady could—what would keep me from going completely off the rails. Told me not to disappoint her. I knew what he meant; don’t let Kota have died for me to become…” He swallowed. “To become less than the man she’d fought for; to become a man not worth fighting for. Be worthy of her sacrifice.”
Cassidy’s brows drew together with sympathetic compassion. And yes, tears pricked the back of her eyes. “You’re worthy.”
He looked close to tears, too, at her words; like he’d needed to hear them from someone—maybe even from her. After a few quiet moments, he moved off the railing, keeping low, transitioning onto the hammock with her.
Cassidy gasped and grabbed on to him and the rope from the dips and sways as he joined her. Being an expert on the thing, he grasped her about the waist and shifted her against him. The natural contours forced them together snugly, bodies flush. She was excited by the contact; disappointed he still wore his shorts.
Her head resting just beneath his chin, her hand lying on his lower stomach, she decided she liked being naked in his hammock with him, cradled against him. There was a bonus in his light caress of her buttocks and lower back, all while gently being rocked by the one foot he kept on the floor.
His hand stilled for a moment as he asked, “We clear on what this is?”
“This?”
“Us.”
“Us? No,” she said honestly. “No, I’m not clear. I know what I want, but I don’t know what will push you away.”
He let out another “Hm,” rubbing her bottom. Then he asked, “And what’ll make you run away?”
She tilted her head back again to look up at him in question.
“I meant what I said on the boat. I’m not easy. What you want, I want, too. I don’t know if that’ll be possible.” He pointed to the yard; the patch of dirt still held memories of his painted face, their frantic, hot sex. “Was that pleasant for you? Walking up on that? Because that’ll happen again. It’s not a guess. It’s a fact. You can love the fuck out of me, but it won’t fix me. I’ve said it before.”