“Fucking adorable,” he chuckled, his eyes roaming over her in appreciation before he took his own sip.
Cassidy watched the muscles in his neck moving as he drank. Her gaze drifted down to the bite mark she’d given him hours before. She was head over heels in love with this man and had almost lost him today. It had taken almost losing him for her to admit it to herself. Terror seized her at the thought, and she gripped his hand even tighter, both to ensure her he was still here and to make sure he didn’t slip away. At least she had a second chance with him.
The tightening of her hand caused his eyes to dart over to her in concern as he lowered the bottle. “You got some intense feelings going on there.”
Cassidy watched him with a mixture of giddiness and anxious. She was excited to come to terms with her own feelings but nervous—okay, scared—of his reaction. Mac had been clear about their boundaries. He’d left no room for doubt when it came to exclusivity or expectations for a relationship. And she’d thrown herself at him. But she could not—would not—leave this boat, this moment, without being honest with him.
“I can’t describe how horrible it was going through that again. It was anagain, Mac. And I won’t do it again; I won’t lose someone I care about again. I won’t survive it. My heart can’t take it.”
Mac stared back; the rise and fall of his chest measured, but the pulse in his neck sped up, and his nostrils flared slightly. “What are you saying to me?”
Scooting a little bit closer to him, she pulled the hand she was holding into her lap while resting her other hand on his stomach, the action bracing him for her words. “I love you, Mac. I want you, I—”
There was a second when she swore she saw a look of elation in his eyes before confusion replaced it, then he glanced away on a hard swallow. He didn’t flinch, though, or wrench away from her as though her words were a physical, unwelcome assault.
“I told you that you were who I wanted, what I wanted, and you told me not to say it again,” she reminded him. “I do want you, Mac. I still want you. I always have, even when I hated you, even when you were saying the most horrible things to me. And today—my god—history almost repeating?” She shuddered.
Mac’s expression softened as he reached for her, pulling her to him.
“You don’t understand,” she insisted as he kissed the top of her head.
He rubbed her shoulder. “I do, Cassidy.”
“You can’t possibly. I was so afraid if I let go of you, you’d disappear, that it wouldn’t be real that you were there, that you were already gone in the fire.” A sob escaped her.
“I’m here,” he assured her.
“You’re not mad?”
“Fuck, Day,” he sighed, resting his head on top of hers. “I’m not mad. Why the fuck would I be mad to hear words like that?”
She calmed herself. Then she frowned, realizing what shehadn’theard. “Wait.” Sitting back up, she narrowed her eyes at him. Tilting her head, noting his kind, apologetic expression, she asked, “But?”
Mac reached out and cupped her cheek, wiping a tear away with his thumb. “What if I’m not the man for you?” At her immediate angry reaction of denial, he grasped her chin. “What if I can’t give you what you need? I’m nowhere near the man Elijah was, and I don’t want to compete. Fuck, wouldn’t even be a competition.”
Cassidy stared at him in horror, dread, and anger; but mostly anger. What the hell kind of bullshit was that? Her heart shattering for the hundredth time that day—so many times, she wasn’t sure it would be repairable—she snapped, “No, you aren’t Elijah.”
Mac dropped his hand from her chin, looking away.
Wanting his full attention on her, she climbed onto his lap, straddling him once again. She had his attention now, and he regarded her warily when she grasped his face as she’d done earlier. This time, the passion in her eyes was from determination for him to understand her point. “I don’twantyou to be Elijah. You can’t be him. He was the love of my life—he was my forever.”
When Mac dropped his gaze at her words, she jerked his head to command his eyes on her so she could continue, “I don’t want another Elijah. I can’t have another man let go. Donotgive me that. Donotpromise me forever because I can’t live through it again if you don’t give it to me.”
Mac frowned, looking like he was beginning to understand her meaning, searching her eyes for the truth behind her words.
“I want what you can give me. Only you, Mac.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” he said.
“I do. I’m asking foryou.”
Grasping her face back, he leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “This is not a fucking fairy tale. This is not the part where you declare your love, and we live happily ever after.”
“It could be,” she insisted.
“I’m fucked up. I’m a goddamn nightmare. This life of mine isn’t pretty, no walk in the park. I wouldn’t even be able to sleep in the bed next to you. You aretoo fucking youngto take on my problems. I can’t do that to you. I won’t.”
She moved her hands from his face to his waist, situated her hips more firmly over him, anchoring herself, a movement to indicating she wasn’t going anywhere. “It’s not your decision alone.”