“Do you want kids someday?” he asked. “You think about that? Where would kids fit in your scenario with a fucked up dad? ’Cause I don’t know if kids are in the cards for me. Is that something you’d be good with me taking away from you?”
His pain her own, she held his gaze. “How can I answer that when every expectation I had for how my life would go hasn’t been met? All I know is that I love you, and you don’t get to push me away.”
“For your own good.”
“Fuck you, Mac Boyer.” But there was no bite behind the words, only heartbreak.
“Sweetheart—”
“I don’t know these answers right now, but neither do you.”
He squeezed her shoulders. “Been thinking about it longer than you have.”
Cassidy slumped, her shoulders dropping, but she refused to be defeated. “Do I want you sleeping next to me? Yes. But do I want to be with you even if I can’t go to sleep with you every night? Yes. Do I know what it will be like? No. We just slept together fine. Twice now.”
He shook his head.
“How many nights did you and Josie sleep together?”
His eyes narrowed. “It only took once for it not to be fine. I won’t fucking risk that with you. Nighttimes are different than day. I don’t have nightmares in the day.” He looked at her pointedly and emphasized, “Day.”
He’d called her Day almost from the beginning. He’d told her she was like a bright new beginning. She remembered thinking he said the words like he needed it to be true. Now here they were, and she wanted to be that for him, to give that to him.
Cassidy watched his troubled eyes, moving one hand to caress his chest, rubbing the skin over his heart as though to soothe before she asked, “What doyouwant?”
He frowned. “That’s not fair.”
“I don’t care about fair. What do you want? Do you want me?”
Mac looked like she’d just gutted him. “You’re afraid of me,” he stated bluntly, expression hard but not accusing. There was the line for him, her fear.
“No.”
“Don’t fucking deny it,” he warned. “It’s a healthy response to the shit I put you through. I’d worry more if you weren’t.”
Biting her lower lip, she searched his eyes. “You’re right. I’m scared. But not how you think. I’m more afraid of losing you than anything. I lost so much that night, and it could have been you, too, and I hated you and it scared me because I don’t hate you at all. It was easier to not want you; to try to convince myself, but I can’t.”
He swallowed hard and looked away.
“You didn’t answer me.”
Mac frowned. Her heart seized at the indication of denial, but he said, “Goddamn, sweetheart, I want you.”
She blinked. She hadn’t been certain he was going to admit it. Then she propelled herself forward, throwing her arms around his neck, allowing the girlish elation to rush over her. She wasn’t alone in her feelings. A crazy laugh escaped her as she wiggled against him, savoring and enjoying the moment. “Oh my god, I love you!”
His low chuckle reverberated through her. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. “Acting like you just won a prize at the fair.” Rubbing her back, he sighed, “Don’t want to add to your irritation, but I think you’re short-sighted. You’re reacting right now to what happened this morning; your emotions are all over the place. Tomorrow you may feel differently.”
Cassidy sat up so she could glare at him. “Don’t patronize me.”
He let out a sigh again, shifting his gaze over her shoulder. “I know a thing or two about trauma, sweetheart; won’t hold you to any of it tomorrow.”
“I’ve been through trauma, too.” Elijah, Blake, boat wreck. She caressed his stomach until he met her gaze again. But these words reminded her of his other words, those given to her when he was experiencing his trauma. “We’ve been through it together.”
His attention snapped away again; his body tensed beneath her.
“You said something to me that night. In Spanish.” When he remained silent, she insisted, “You said those words to me once; they’re mine. Give them to me.”
After several moments, he raised his eyes to hers, searching. His hand at her waist squeezing possessively. “You belong to me.”