I followed Colin to the bike rack outside and said nothing as he unlocked it. We didn’t speak as he grabbed the handlebars and began to pull the bike down the sidewalk. It was May now, and the afternoon sun was already hot as it blazed down on us, making me sweat.
The silence was awkward between us, but in a different way. Instead of animosity, we were tense with unspoken things we knew we should be talking about.
I waited until we’d crossed several streets because I wanted to make sure his dad wouldn’t see when we changed directions. “We don’t have to go this way.”
“It’s the fastest way to Slater,” he said.
“Except I don’t have a class in Slater. I made the whole thing up.”
He pulled to a stop. “What?” For a single heartbeat, he looked lost, but then suspicion clouded his eyes. “Why?”
“Because you needed an excuse not to go back to the Sig house.”
We were in the middle of the sidewalk, so he lifted his bike and carried it a few steps onto the grassy lawn before parking it under the shade of a huge oak tree so we wouldn’t be in anyone’s way.
“You could have told him I got kicked out.”
“Yeah,” I said softly. “I could have.”
He stared at me with disbelief. Like he expected me to rip off a mask and reveal a new person beneath at any moment. “Why didn’t you?”
I drew in a breath. “Because it’s not my business. I’m sure you have your reasons for not telling him.”
He looked . . . confounded. “I do,” he said quietly. “But why’d you help me?”
That was harder to answer. I dropped my gaze to the tree roots that poked up out of the ground at my feet. “I don’t know.” But I did know. “We’re not friends, but we’re”—I searched for the right word—“partners. I thought I should have your back.”
It was such a strange explanation, and it made him take in a heavy breath. His voice was unsteady. “Okay. Well . . . thanks.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Except it was a problem when I lifted my gaze up to meet his. He looked so good standing there with his strong hands gripping the bike’s handlebars and seat, and dappled sunlight splashed across his fitted t-shirt. The wind ruffled the leaves overhead and played with his dark hair, making him look like an advertisement for picture-perfect college life.
And whatever I was feeling about us? He felt it, too.
His gaze deepened and intensified. “Mads, I—”
“I kissed Scott,” I blurted, “and I didn’t kiss you.”
His expression hardened over. “Yeah, I noticed.”
“Can I tell you why?” My heart climbed into my throat. “It’s because I don’t want to like you.”
“Um, what?”
I set my hands on my hips. “Look, it’s a bad idea. We live together and, uh, work together, and—what was it you said when we showed up for auditions?”
His eyebrows tugged together.
“You told me not to fuck this up for you,” I continued, “and I’m trying not to. It’s better for both of us if we don’t like each other. It’s easier. Safer.”
The muscle running along his jaw ticked. “But you kiss other people you work with.”
I pressed my lips together. “Well, I wish I could tell you it’s not personal, but it is.”
“Because I’m cruel,” he guessed, sounding bitter.
“No, because I know how I feel about them. I don’t with you. And I don’t know what’ll happen if we kiss, Colin.” I leveled my hardest gaze at him. “I don’t want to know.”
His hand on the seat tightened instinctively, like my statement had caused the urge for him to reach out but he’d had to strangle it back.
“So, I don’t want to like you,” I declared, “and I don’t think you want to like me either. Right?”
It took him a long time to answer, and it made me nervous with how unconvinced he sounded. “Right.”
“Good.” I used my fingertips to scrub my forehead and glanced up at the clock tower. “Well, I actually do have a class soon, so I’ve got to go.” I adjusted my bag on my shoulder and gave him an awkward wave goodbye before starting for the sidewalk.
“Mads.”
I turned to glance at him. He hadn’t moved from the shade. It was like the tree roots had grown up around his feet.
“Thanks for explaining it.” This time he sounded more like himself. “And again, for helping with my dad.”
“I’m sure you would have done the same,” I said automatically, and as I turned back around, I grimaced. I didn’t see a dubious expression on him, but I didn’t need to.
I was smart enough to know there was no way it was true.
By the end of the week, I was mildly concerned I was developing a Colin problem. Outwardly, things between us were better since I’d confessed my reasoning for not kissing him, but inwardly, it was getting harder not to think about him.