Jake obviously sees the panic on my face so he rushes over to me and gently holds my upper arms, the contact calming me instantly, despite how pissed I am right now.
“Take it easy, Bug,” he chuckles. “I obviously didn’t tell her abouteverything.I just mean I told her what I know about Pete and how he died.”
Suddenly, all the air seems to be sucked out of the room, and I feel light-headed, but Jake’s strong arms wrap around me, holding me steady.
“What did you tell her?” I ask, my voice muffled by Jake’s chest.
I hear him sigh and gently move me away so he can look into my eyes. He still looks pained, but also resigned; like he’s finally ready to face the truth.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know, Livi,” he says quietly. “But before I do, I want you to know that this isn’t going to be easy. You may never look at me the same way again, but that’s the risk I have to take.” Jake cups my face in his big, rough hands, and I feel my heart begin to pound in my chest. “I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my entire life, but we can’t move forward with this hanging over us.”
All I can do is nod my head in agreement because if I speak now, I’ll probably burst into tears again.
Jake gently takes my hand and leads me over to the couch where we sit, our thighs touching. He reaches over and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and I let him because the contact still feels comforting, even though my heart is pounding in anticipation of what he’s going to tell me.
“The night Pete died, I was in my sniper nest, as usual, covering the team as they went in to rescue a group of hostages,” Jake begins, his deep brown eyes never leaving mine as he begins his story. “The team had cleared the building and were leaving with the hostages, Pete was bringing up the rear, in his usual position. While I was covering the team, I didn’t notice an insurgent emerge from a hidden underground bunker until he was clear and raising his gun. I managed to take the shot and thought I’d taken him down.”
Jake’s eyes are so full of pain, I squeeze his hand to encourage him to continue. My heart is still beating out of my chest because I have a sickening certainty about what he’s about to reveal to me.
After taking a deep breath, Jake continues. “I know now, that I only grazed the insurgent’s head and didn’t kill him so I wasn’t looking at him, but instead I was covering the team.”
“Which is what you’re trained to do, right?” I say quietly.
“Right. But it wasn’t the right move in this case because the insurgent got up and got a shot off before I could react and unfortunately it hit Pete in the throat, just above his body armor.”
Tears well in my eyes when I think about my brother dying like that, and also for Jake who did everything he was trained to do, but it didn’t go right on the day. I can see the guilt swirling in Jake’s eyes, and I know that he’s been carrying that for six long years. It makes perfect sense now—why he’s never been back to Crescent Bay, why he’s avoided all communication with me and my parents. He feels responsible for Pete’s death, and it’s slowly been eating him alive.
I swipe my fingers under my nose and fix Jake with a serious look. “It was bad luck, Jake. You didn’t do anything wrong, you did everything you were trained to do.”
Jake shakes his head as tears stream down his face. “No, I should’ve—”
“Should’ve what? Given up your position to check you’d killed the guy? Would you ever do that?” I ask firmly.
“No, but …”
“But nothing. Pete knew the risks, and he put himself in those situations. It could easily have been another member of the team bringing up the rear on that mission. You can’t blame yourself.” I shift closer to Jake on the couch and use my thumbs to wipe away Jake’s tears, my heart breaking over and over for the pain he’s in.
“Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you feel about this?” I ask quietly.
Jake keeps his eyes down and shakes his head, and I can feel the shame radiating off him. I hate that he’s been carrying this guilt for all these years. I see how lost he is.
I tilt Jake’s chin so he’s looking right at me. “I really think you should speak to someone. I did when Pete died, and even though it was really tough at first, it helped so much.” I can’t stop myself from leaning forward to press my lips to Jake’s forehead. The realization that we can’t be together until he’s come to terms with losing Pete dawns on me, and I try my best not to cling to him for dear life. We can’t be together like this, I can’t save him from this no matter how much I want to.
Jake sniffs loudly and reaches up to hold my wrists, gently pulling them away from his face. “I know what I need to do, I’ve just been too much of a chicken shit to face up to it.”
“It’s not about being chicken,” I reply. “You went through a trauma and like a lot of people, you thought burying it would make it go away.”
“But it didn’t go away,” he sighs. “It kept me away from the people who have always loved me like a son and a brother.”
I can’t help but laugh softly, feeling my cheeks heat up. “I think it’s safe to say we’ve crossed a line there.”
Jake smiles as well and leans forward to press a sweet kiss to my lips. “I love you, Bug,” he whispers, his words are like a direct shot to my heart, and I take in a deep breath. I’ve waited so many years to hear him utter those words, so why does it feel like a goodbye?
“I love you too,” I sob, feeling happy tears slide down my cheeks. “I’ve loved you in so many ways over the years, but this is definitely the best way.”
Jake chuckles and kisses me again. “It really is. But you know what I’m about to say, I can see it in your eyes.”
I bite my lip and try to keep myself in check because I know that in order for Jake and I to love each other completely, we’re going to have to let each other go for now.