I grit my teeth, shifting uncomfortably in the bed.
My mom shoots me a worried expression and reaches for my hand. I jolt back, my heart beating rapidly in my chest when her fingers touch mine. It doesn't feel right when anyone else does it. Everything feels so fucking wrong all the time, except for when Ignacio is here.
Will it always feel this way?
She pulls away, her eyes apologetic, and she keeps her distance. “No one has come yet. Probably a little later. Your brother won't be coming again until tomorrow.”
“And Dad?”
She places her hands in her lap, her gaze drifting to the floor. “You know how crazy your dad's work hours have been in the last year. He's not sure when he'll get the time off.”
“Of course not. I see nothing has changed. Not even when his son was nearly murdered.”
Her lips twist and she sits up straighter. “Work has always been more important to him than anything else, you know that. Why do you think I left? I deserved better. We all did,” she says, her blue eyes locking on to mine.
“Yeah, I know.” I don't know why I keep hoping my dad will change. Wishful thinking, I guess. At times I'm sure he's turning a new leaf and then he ends up disappointing me again.
I did the same to Ignacio. Only I'm not his father. I cared for him and his mom and wanted to be his mentor, guiding him in the right direction, but I realize now it wasn't because I thought of him as a son. No. It's because we had formed a friendship neither of us had with anyone else. We could talk without fear getting in the way and the trust was automatically there, along with the feeling of comfort and ease.
It hasn't left either. At least not for me. The odd shift still confuses me. It wasn't until recently that I've thought of him as more than a helpless teen. I see him for who he is now. A broken man who I can't help but constantly search for. I'm not fully settled either unless he's in the same room.
What's wrong with me? I'm not even sure what any of this means. I don't want him nor any other man. It's because we were all we had during an awful time, so it's easy to only seek out each other during this time of trauma and confusion.
My mom gets to her feet after staring down at her watch. “I need to go help your grandmother move into her new retirement home in an hour. I can't believe I almost forgot. Are you going to be okay here alone? I can call your aunt—”
“Yes. I'm fine. I can be by myself for a little while. I'm tired anyway.”
She nods in understanding. “I'm sure you are. You get some rest and call the nurse when you're ready to eat. I hear you're getting real food today.”
“If it's coming from the hospital kitchen then I doubt it.”
She laughs, sliding her purse over her shoulder. “Oh, honey. You haven't lost your sense of humor at least.”
“You know what they say, if you don't laugh, you'll cry.” I also keep cracking my usual jokes hoping it will help me find the rest of myself. It hasn't yet.
“They aren’t wrong. I'll give you a call later. If you want, we can have dinner tomorrow,” my mom says, interrupting my thoughts.
“Sounds good. See ya, Ma.”
She moves slowly and I nod to let her know I'm okay before she leans over to press a kiss to my head. “Don't forget we are here for you. Whatever you need.”
“I know. Now go before Grandma curses you out in front of all the staff again.”
She chuckles and leaves the room, shutting the door behind her. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I stare at the blank TV screen for way too long, not recognizing my reflection. My face is covered in bruises and scratches, and my hair is a mess. A bandage rests on my neck and that's when I notice the flash of silver against my skin. A familiar chain is tucked into my gown.
Tilting my head in confusion, I pull it out and a small knife is attached, the top part covered in plastic. It’s the gift I gave Ignacio to help keep him safe after he lied about being jumped at a store. I knew what really happened but had to pretend not to. His uncle sent him out to do his dirty work and Ignacio paid the price for interfering with a package not belonging to him. He paid the consequences for all the trouble he caused a well-known cartel. He tampered with one of its lower-level men's supplies and the Capo was not very forgiving.
Even if they aren't the ones doing the direct selling to customers, it still reflects badly on them. He was nearly beaten to death but they left him alive as a warning. It had my blood boiling. His mom's words after it happened came back to me.“Please, help get him out of this. Save my baby from this life and his father.”
I stroke the knife, and the more I stare down at it the more I question how he even had it. He didn’t have anything on him when I brought him here. The door pushes open and a familiar set of hazel eyes peeks around it. “You awake?”
“Yeah.” I sit up straighter, patting the bed next to me.
“I need a place to hide for a while.”
“From?”
“My mom's family. Their fake sympathy is nauseating.” He walks in the room, closing the door behind him.