Instead of answering, Sugar idly stirs her mashed potatoes, a dish that doesn’t need further stirring.
“You can talk to me. If you got some deep, dark secret to dump on me, I’m not going to run away screaming.”
My mind is rushing with what it could be, what could provoke such sudden fear within her. Did I do something to trigger some past trauma? I’m thinking about everything I did, wondering if I crossed some line she didn’t want crossed.
“I...I don’t know about all this, Rainier,” she says, nibbling her lip.
“What do you mean by ‘all of this’?”
“That we can make this anything more than what it is. I wanted this to be no-strings-attached for a reason.”
My heart drops and a chill rolls down my spine. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am. I’m not in the condition to trust someone right now, let alone someone I just met.”
I frown her way. “After how intimate we’ve been with one another, that's your concern?”
She stands up, throwing her arms up. “I don’t know, Rainier! I just don’t know! I just took a step back and realized how crazy this all was. After my mother just did to me – stealing my money, cutting off my hopes and dreams – my entire life was turned upside down in the span of one phone call. And then you showed up and shook it up even more.”
My heart is falling apart. “I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, Sugar. I really am. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want you. I really feel something for you far beyond what I’ve felt for anyone else.”
“Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be. We barely know one another, Rainier. Has it been even four hours since we ran into one another in the supermarket?”
I look at my watch. Maybe a little more than that, but not enough to refute her point.
“How would all of this even work, anyway?” she continues, pacing back and forth. “I will go home from this cabin at the end of the week. Back to my home in Seattle, and try to find a job before I need money for something again. You? You got bonds here. In a tiny town where even if I wanted to, I bet I’d struggle to find a job.”
“We could make it work, Sugar. We can make anything work if we really want to.”
“I have doubts. I have trust issues. I have a lot of things going on, and I don’t think I should be jumping full-on into some other uncertain situation.”
I shake my head, still in disbelief.
“Just... just...” she stammers, not wanting to say the things that are clearly on her mind, but pushing herself through, because to her, it’s something that must be done. “Just leave, Rainier.”
I hate hearing those words, but I can’t deny them.
“You can stay and eat, but then… I got too much on my mind right now and your presence isn’t helping me.”
Despite her invitation to finish the food, the whole situation has sapped my appetite away. I get up, I go upstairs. The entire time I’m agonizing over what happened, and what came between us. How can I make it any clearer what I feel for her?
I slip on my shirt and my shoes, and head downstairs to get my coat. When I return to the dining room, she is still there. Sugar’s staring into her food, tears clearly in her eyes. It’s obvious how much this is all tearing her up inside.
“Sugar, I don’t know how to make this any clearer to you,” I say, shrugging on my coat and speaking plainly to her. “In our short time together, I’ve gone from liking you, to falling for you, then to believing that the two of us could be so much more together. Do I have to say the words? Because I know how crazy they would sound, and I realize that’s part of the problem.”
“That’s why you need to leave, Rainier. It’s too crazy. Too fast. It’s just too much for me to deal with. Please, just go. We just met. Let’s stop while we both can pretend this never happened.”
I’m not going to get through to her today. That much is totally clear.
All I can do is walk out the door, and hope that this isn’t the end. That somehow, some way, I can manage to find her again and reconnect when she’s had some time to realize that what I’m saying is true.
That she feels the same as I do, and no matter how weird it is? That’s just how it is.
Love at first sight isn’t any less likely than her long-lost uncle dropping dead and leaving her a fortune. This should all teach her that nothing is too strange to be true.
I keep telling myself that, because hope? Hope is all I got.