“Close your eyes, darling,” I say quietly.
“Hold on—” Hugh starts but I pull the trigger. The gunshot is muffled by his head and the mattress, and blood pools into the covers.
The girl starts screaming.
I leave dead Hugh there and walk away. Eric’s scowling at me. “The girl saw our faces,” he says.
“You want to kill her?”
She starts sobbing and begging, and Eric sighs. “No, I don’t.”
“Then fuck her.” I turn and hold up the gun. I fire a shot into the ceiling and she screams. “You tell anyone we were here and I’ll kill you myself. Understood?”
“Please,” she begs. “I won’t talk.”
“Good.” I leave the bedroom and step into the hallway. Eric follows, and we join the other guys downstairs. We hurry out of Hugh’s house and onto the front lawn. Alex and Tom get in their truck and hurry off, but I lean against my new Range Rover, my hands against the door.
I’m trembling with fear and nerves and rage, so much rage.
“Nolan,” Eric says almost gently. “We’ve got to go.”
“She’s gone,” I say staring at the ground. “She’s really gone.”
“Yeah, brother, she’s gone, and you just made sure this war is about to get very violent very fast.”
How am I supposed to make him understand what I’m feeling right now? I get into the Rover and we drive away, going fast. I speed recklessly through town and Eric says nothing but I can see the concern in his eyes. He’s worried I’m self-destructing, and I can’t say he’s wrong.
Cora’s gone. She’s really fucking gone.
I park at the Lonely Cat and we head inside. The place is crowded and there are two dancers going. Instead of retreating to the office, I shove my way to the bar. “Whiskey, neat.”
The bartender’s a girl named Janelle. She’s been working on and off at the Cat for a few years now and she knows me pretty well. Janelle gets one look at me and sighs. “You’ve got blood on you, Nolan.”
I look down at myself and she’s right. Hugh’s blood is splattered all over my shirt and jacket. The guys around me are staring like I’m a monster, and maybe they’re right, maybe I am a monster.
“Whiskey. Neat. Please.”
She pours the drink. “Go get cleaned up,” she says, leaning forward to speak into my ear. “Before someone calls the cops, okay?”
I nod at her and walk away, feeling numb. I head into the bathroom attached to the office and throw back the drink. When it’s down, I wash my face and take off my shirt and stare at myself in the mirror.
This is why Cora left.
This, right here. Standing in this bathroom, staring back at myself, is the reason she left.
I’ve become a beast.
Instead of looking for her, my first instinct was to go out and kill. I hunted down Hugh and murdered him in cold blood for the crime of not knowing where Jaxson’s hiding. I killed him because he’s my enemy, and because I’m angry, and because I’m so fucking heartbroken I feel like I could shatter.
“You look like shit.” Eric leans against the doorframe. “You really cared about her, huh? You think you loved her?”
“I think I love her still.”
He laughs quietly and runs a hand over his head. “I always knew you did even way back then. Even after she ratted us out, you still loved her. That’s why you made sure Basuldo didn’t get revenge on her and it’s why he listened. We all knew.”
“I haven’t exactly been good at hiding it.”
“But she’s gone now, Nolan.”
“I fucking know that. She’s gone because of me.” I close my eyes, water running down my face. “She’s gone because being around me is too dangerous. Or she’s gone because I terrify her and she thought I’d end up hurting her and her sister and that unborn baby. She ran for a dozen justifiable reasons and I’m not even mad she went. I’m just mad she’s gone.”
“Life’s fucked up that way.”
“I would’ve driven her off myself if she’d asked. Getting out of here is the smartest thing she ever did. So why the fuck am I so mad? Why the fuck does it hurt so bad?”
“You love her. Even if you know she’s better off away from this war we’ve got going, you still want her. Just the way that shit goes sometimes.”
“What am I supposed to do now?”
Eric pushes himself off the frame and steps away. “You’ve got a crew that still needs you and a war that needs fighting. You’ve got guns and ammunition and you’ve got a big, black hole in your heart. Maybe it’s time you focused on what’s in front of you here instead of what might’ve been. We still need you, brother.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
He’s right. I know he’s right. I’ve got my crew to manage and a war to win, and even if Cora’s not here anymore, that doesn’t change what I need to do.