She’s out cold. My sister is trouble, but at least she sleeps like the frozen dead—assuming she decides to stay inside. I pull the blankets up around her and she doesn’t even stir as I kiss her forehead.
When we were little girls, we spent most nights sleeping in the same bed together. Mostly because Momma always had her boyfriends around and most of the time it was safer for me and Kady to be together. We had numbers that way, and if any of those awful guys decided to sneak into our room, we could make a lot of noise to scare him off. Momma dumped more than one piece-of-shit lowlife over the years because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself and liked to go prowling into little girls’ rooms. We never blamed Momma for that and it was obvious it killed her every time it happened, but at a certain point we got used to how awful everyone seemed to be and our standards began to slip.
The abuse normalized, and that was the worst part.
Sometimes I think I can’t sleep because I don’t feel Kady’s heart beating next to mine. Kady and I have always been close, but there were a few years when we drifted apart. The first time was when I started spending my days in the woods with Nolan, and the second time was right after Momma’s death. I was a wreck and Kady barely held us both together for a while, but once I got myself together, she became distant and started going out most nights. She brought home a lot of dickheads those days, but none of them ever stuck, and she never put up with any abusive bullshit. At least until Jaxson. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a way to cope with how terrible our childhood was or if we’re intrinsically broken, like the rot is deep inside our bodies and a part of our souls.
I sneak downstairs and grab a sweatshirt on my way out the back door. The grass is soft under my toes as I walk down to the woods. I don’t have shoes on and can’t go any further, but I stand and stare into the darkness. The moon’s full and silver light drifts in between the leaves and trees. I imagine the creatures that live out here, their lives and their wants and their loves happening under the clear sky. Do they hurt like we do? Are there squirrel sisters living in some rundown tree clinging on to each other for dear life?
I wonder how things might’ve been if Momma hadn’t died.
“What are you doing out here?”
I jump and turn around but I know who it is. I think I came out here hoping he’d follow. Nolan’s standing a few feet back in joggers and a t-shirt. He’s got a gun in one hand, the barrel aimed at the ground, and I take a step backward in surprise and stomp down on a sharp stick.
Pain flares up hot and intense.
“Shit,” I say, hopping away on one foot. “Motherfucker. God damn it, that hurt.”
“Careful,” he says and hurries over. “Let me see.”
“I’m fine,” I say but he makes me sit down and takes my foot in his lap. “Sorry, I just couldn’t sleep.”
“You triggered my motion alarms.” He runs his fingers along the sole of my foot and chews his lip. “Just a scrape.”
“I told you I’m fine.” But he doesn’t take his hands away. Instead, he kneads my foot slightly, staring at me.
“Why’d you come out here? If you couldn’t sleep, there’s plenty to do inside.”
“I just like the woods sometimes, you know? Helps me think.”
“I know what you mean. I bought this house for a reason.”
“You too?”
“I walk through the woods sometimes. Helps me remember the good days.”
I laugh quietly. “Do you really think of them that way?”
“Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I wonder if I ever really left those woods.”
“And other times? The times you don’t think those days were so good?”
“I remember how it felt to go home. But mostly I think about you.”
“Nolan.” My voice is a whisper lost in the darkness of the trees. “What are we doing?”
“We’re working together like we used to. That’s all.” His hands graze up my calf. “You should’ve worn more than little shorts and a hoodie.”
“It’s not cold.”
“But it’s still dark and dangerous. You shouldn’t wander outside.”
“I’ll keep that in mind next time.”
He pulls me closer by my leg. I suck in a surprised breath as his hands move along my thigh and he leans forward to cradle my lower back. I lean on my hands, staring into his eyes as stars twinkle in the sky above him, and for a second, I forget about Kady in the house and the trailer burned to ashes along with all my other hopes and fears. For a second, I can be a girl again sitting in the grass near the forest with a man that makes me feel something good for once.