It barely kept me from spiraling.
No stopping, no breaks, no rest. Nolan made sure I understood. Straight from Philly along I-95 down deeper and deeper into the darkest bits of the South, slowing only for gas and food and once to catch a few hours of sleep in the parking lot of a rest stop tucked between two long haul trucks because otherwise I would’ve passed out behind the wheel, then back on the road.
I knew there was something hidden in my vehicle, but I didn’t ask what it was and they didn’t tell me where to find it. All Nolan said was I didn’t need to worry about anything, all I needed to do was drive to Atlanta and park where they told me to park and that was it, nothing else.
I knew what I was doing but I didn’t want to know, and I was right not to ask for any details.
I kept telling myself that the deal was simple. Drive the truck from Philly to Atlanta. Dozens of people do it every day. Then I’d get paid enough that I could afford a home nurse and real doctors for Momma. I knew the risks, but I didn’t care and couldn’t really understand them. Momma was sick and dying and we needed money, and in my mind I had to do anything in my power to make sure we had the money to help her.
I didn’t understand the full magnitude of what I was doing until I looked up and glimpsed the flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The cops took me a mile over the Georgia border. I never saw them coming—not like it would’ve mattered. One second, I was heading along, getting closer and closer to my destination, my mind finally beginning to imagine an end to my nightmare, when suddenly lights appeared and sirens screamed at me to pull over.
Those lights were like spikes in my chest, jabbing into my flesh.
Those lights were the end of my life.
They had dogs waiting like they knew that I was transporting narcotics over state lines. The dogs found the drugs shoved into fake compartments built into the cab and everything else is a blur to me now, like someone wrapped a tether around my middle and dragged me through the mud.
That’s when the cops sat me down and calmly explained that I was going to rot in jail for a very long time.
That I might never see my mother again.
That my sister would be all alone.
That I failed them. That I let them down.
I told them everything that night because I had nothing left to lose.
I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to push the memories away. I hate thinking about this—obsessing about that one single day—and everything that came after. But it’s the defining moment in my life, and Nolan’s at the center of it.
“How am I going to start all over, Nolan?” I’m trying not to cry, not again, and I shove the emotion away. Fuck crying, and fuck these mobsters. They think they can own me, they can use me and throw me around like I’m nothing, but I won’t give them the satisfaction. I won’t let Nolan see how deeply he scarred me and how I carry around the weight of that pain still to this day.
“I’ll give you money and keep you employed for a while. I’ll help you get settled. I’ll take care of everything. You’re strong, Cora, you can figure it out.”
“My life is in Georgia. Oh, god, Kady’s life is here, she might not want to move—”
“She won’t have a choice.”
“Fuck you, Nolan. That’s easy for you to say, right? You don’t have to leave the only place you ever knew.”
“What’s keeping you here, huh?” He glares at me as he changes lanes and exits onto a quiet, shade-strewn lane. We’re close to Marietta now and the highway switches to back roads, the scenery of my entire world passing by out the window, green mixed with gold. “You really love living in some shithole trailer and dating biker assholes? You love being stuck in a backward town with no prospects?”
“Don’t start.”
“Really, Cora, what the fuck’s keeping you here? All the opportunity? The really nice fucking people? You should’ve left a long time ago.”
“I bet you would’ve loved that.”
“No, I wouldn’t have.” He stares straight ahead, fingers gripping the wheel. “If Ben wants you gone and that’s the price we have to pay, you’ll be gone. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, any state, any town, whatever. I’ll give you enough money to live on for a few years. I’ll buy you a car, a house, everything you need. It’ll be a fresh start, Cora, and might be exactly the thing that wakes you up. This can be good for you.”