“Maybe it did before.” Sighing, I leaned against the column. “But he’s not Ash to me any longer.”
His head tilted, the vertical slits of his pupils expanding until they were almost more commonly shaped. “He is how you wish him to be,” he said. “As you are what you wish to be to those of the Shadowlands and beyond. That is up to you. No one else.”
Chapter 16
There were too many what-ifs circling through my head after Nektas left—too much restless, anxious energy burning its way through me for me to sit still.
I needed to work it off.
And I needed to silence those what-ifs, at least for a little while.
I quickly braided my hair and spent the remainder of the afternoon going through as much training as I could remember and could be done alone. I pictured an imaginary partner, which wasn’t hard. My opponent alternated between Nyktos and me—because I was annoyed with us both for different reasons—while I went through shadowboxing and footwork. I dipped and lunged, working first with just my hands and then my dagger. None of it was as good as practicing with another person, but it was better than nothing. Fighting was part muscle memory, but long periods of inactivity could be the difference between living and dying.
Plus, it helped keep my mind empty. I wasn’t thinking about the summons, Nyktos’s plan, what he could’ve sacrificed in addition to everything he’d already had to do, or the soul that belonged in me. I was a different kind of blank canvas as Istabbed and kicked at the air, but exhaustion found me quicker than it should, and I chalked it up to the missed training sessions. At least, that’s what I decided to believe, because the alternative was the Culling.
I cleaned up using the cool water from that morning. Since it was getting late, I slipped on a flimsy excuse for a nightgown and then tugged on the robe. It felt like hours, yet only minutes had passed when Orphine arrived with dinner. Afterward, I returned to the chaise, where I cracked open a book, but just like the night before, I couldn’t concentrate. Those what-ifs came back.
When would Kolis summon us? Would Nyktos attempt to hide the summons from me? And if he didn’t, what if I looked like Sotoria?
Why did I dread that when I should welcome the possibility? Welcome what Nyktos had accused me of that afternoon.
Because Nyktos had been right. It made it easier for me to do what I needed to.
Except nothing felt easier.
Because what would Nyktos do if we arrived at Kolis’s Court, and the false King recognized me as Sotoria? Would he truly allow Kolis to take me? Or would he intervene? I knew the answer, and it terrified me. If I had been able to escape, I could have made it to Kolis without Nyktos being there. Not only being endangered, but also being put in a situation where he had to choose between the Shadowlands—
And me.
How could he continue convincing Kolis of his loyalty if he attempted to stop the false King from taking me? Hell, how was Nyktos successful this entire time? I knew Nektas said it was duty, but my gods…even I couldn’t have done that.
My gaze drifted to the silver-adorned door that adjoined our bedchambers, and I thought about thatkiss.
He is how you wish him to be.
“I don’t even know him,” I whispered as the embers in my chest warmed—
I yelped, jerking upright as the door suddenly swung open. The book flopped onto the floor with a heavy thump as Nyktos strode in as if he had every right to do so.
“Did you even think about knocking first?” I exclaimed.
“No.”
“You should have.” I pressed my palm to my thundering heart. “I could’ve been busy.”
“Doing what?”
“Many things,” I muttered. “Use your imagination.”
Nyktos stopped, his jaw tightening. “Not sure if using my imagination would be wise.”
“I suppose not.” I bent, picking up the book. When I glanced over at him, I saw that he’d quietly moved closer and was checking out the plates. “I ate all my dinner like a good girl, in case you were wondering.”
His cool, silver gaze flickered from the dining table to me.
“Did you need something?”
“I only need one thing at the moment. Sleep.”