“I know. I…” Despite him demanding that I speak, he was the one that needed to, but only if he wanted to. Other than what I knew I needed to say, I had to shut the hell up. “What you did to protect me isn’t why I feel that way. I wanted to be more to you than a Consort in title only before I learned about that. What it did was help me understand a bit of what I saw. We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.” I looked over my shoulder once more. “But know that if you don’t kill her, I will find a way to do it myself.”
He stared at me for a moment and then laughed. Deeply. Hard.
“I’m being serious,” I told him.
“Not a single part of me doubts that.”
I held his gaze. “The bitch is dead.”
“Agreed.”
“Good.” I returned to his palm, carefully plucking out the remaining glass. I only knew I’d gotten them all when no fresh blood seeped. “All done.”
“Thank you,” he said roughly.
Pressing my lips together, I ran my finger across his palm—over the golden swirl. I reached the end near his thumb and then his fingers curled, threading through mine. His blood stained both our hands, but him holding mine was a…well, a beautiful sight. I brought our joined hands to my mouth and placed a kiss on the top of his.
His shudder flowed through to me.
Minutes ticked by.
“I didn’t want you to know,” he uttered. “I didn’t want you to feel responsible.”
I fought the urge to tell him that what I felt was the last thing he needed to be worried about.
“And I…I didn’t want you—anyone—to know what kind of control she had. What kind ofcomplicationshe is,” he continued after a moment, speaking to the back of my bowed head. “Attes knows she feeds from me, but he doesn’t know why. Only a few do. But we were never together. She fed from me. Sometimes, she made it pleasurable. Other times, it burned like the Abyss. And if I disagreed with where she wanted to feed from, it was almost always the latter in terms of how she did it. I actually preferred when it was that way. It was far better than the alternative. Gaining any sort of pleasure from her was—and is—the last thing I want. But the only thing of mine she has ever had in her is my blood.”
Whatever relief I felt at learning that it hadn’t gone further than her taking his blood was short-lived because forcing pleasure onto someone without their consent was still a violation, no matter what their history was. Blackmailing them into servicing any need was still a violation.
Closing my eyes, I kept my emotions in check because this wasn’t about me or how I felt. I pressed another kiss to the top of his hand. The backs of my eyes stung as I beat back the building rage and sorrow. I couldn’t allow any of that to take center stage. I stayed in control.
His hand tightened around mine, and a few moments passed. “Whatever skill you believe I have is pure luck because I honestly had no idea what I was doing.” He exhaled, and…gods, I wished I hadn’t said that to him. Why anyone, including me, assumed that someone without experience couldn’t give pleasure. That was so incredibly childish of me to think. “Still don’t, to be honest.”
I kissed his hand a third time.
“But Veses…she didn’t want me. She still doesn’t want me. Not really. She wants Kolis. Always has,” he said, and surprise bolted through me. “And since he’s never wanted anything to do with her, I’m the next best thing. But I also didn’t want her. It was the refusal that got her coming back. Probably the same thing with Kolis.”
I still thought that perhaps her feelings toward Ash had changed. That she had come to care for him. But gods, how could you do what she did to him to someone you cared about?
Ash curled his arm, tugging me back. Another burst of surprise rippled through me as he pulled me between his legs and against him. His chest rose sharply but fell slowly. He relaxed into me. All but his hand. His fingers remained tightly joined with mine.
“She found a way in eventually,” he finally said. “She followed me the night you were brought to the Shadow Temple. We cannot feel the presence of other Primals in the mortal realm as strongly as we can in Iliseeum. I didn’t even realize she was there until she came to the Shadowlands a few days later. She must’ve overheard enough to put two and two together, and when she was here last, she knew there would be no more times beyond that. So, she was really pushing the limits that night.”
Three years.
He had been forced to feed her for three years.
I wondered if it was possible to make someone’sdeathlast for three years.
“I hadn’t expected her to come so soon, and I know I locked that door because I didn’t want anyone to see that. Especially you. She must’ve felt you…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I should’ve told you when you asked after waking up, but I couldn’t get the words out. I just…”
“It’s okay.” I turned in his embrace, tucking my head against his shoulder. “I understand.”
“I just…I couldn’t let her do what I knew she would if I refused. That was my decision. Not yours.”
I took a deep breath, swallowing all the questions of how and why he could have decided that at a time when he didn’t know me or anything about the embers. “I wish she hadn’t put you in a situation to make that decision.”
“There are a lot of things I regret. But keeping you out of Kolis’s hands is not one of them,” he said. “And that doesn’terase or make anything all right.” His chin brushed the top of my head. “But it’s done now.”