She should, but… I shook my head. “I want a future—a life that I control. Not death. I want to survive this.”
“So you can finally live? Be free?”
Chest heavy, I nodded once more as I turned from him. An unseen clock ticked over our heads, and I knew we couldn’t delay this. But I also knew that if I allowed myself to feel morethan what had broken through during my talk with Aios, I would also find that I was what Nyktos claimed I wasn’t. Afraid.
I rubbed my hands over my arms. “What if…what if he recognizes me as Sotoria?”
“Then there will be a war,” he said.
Heart lurching, I faced him. There had been no hesitation in his response. Not even a heartbeat. “Nyktos—”
“You do not belong to him. You do not belong to anyone,” he bit out. “If he recognizes you as Sotoria, he will try to keep you. I will not allow that to happen.”
A chill spider-walked down my spine.
Nyktos stepped toward me, his chin lowered. “He may be eons older than me, and he may have the entire Court and most—if not all—of the Primals behind him, but if he makes even one move toward you, Iwillleave the entire City of the Gods in ruins.”
Air snagged in my throat. No part of me in that moment doubted that Nyktos was capable of doing just that. “I don’t want it to come to that.”
“Neither do I,” he said quietly. “My guards are aware that things can go south. They don’t know all the reasons, but they will be prepared to defend the Shadowlands, as are the armies.”
I forced breath into my lungs, breathing long and slow. As wrong as it was, I didn’t want Kolis to recognize me. I didn’t want to have to use what I’d spent my life training to do to end him. But I didn’t want the kind of bloodshed Nyktos spoke of. That level of destruction would not only rip through Iliseeum; it was sure to spread to the mortal realm, as well. The only way either realm survived was if I lived—at least, long enough for Nyktos to take the embers. But if Kolis realized who I was…
Then all I could do was prevent a war. That wasn’t much. The mortal realm would be lost and, eventually, at some point in the distant future, so would Iliseeum. But it was something.
“I have never asked anything of you,” I said, meeting his gaze.
“You have asked seven things of me, to be exact.”
“Okay. Forget those things. What I’m asking now—no, what I will beg of you is far more important.”
Nyktos stiffened, the eather flaring brightly in his eyes asif he knew what I was about to say. And maybe he did.
“If Kolis recognizes me as Sotoria, I don’t want you to intervene.”
“Sera—”
“I cannot be the cause of a war that will destroy cities and end in countless deaths. I would never be free then. Whatever life I had wouldn’t bring me any joy, knowing that,” I said, my voice trembling. “I couldn’t live with it. I would be as good as dead. I know the embers are important, but—”
“It is not only the fucking embers that are important, Sera.You.” He inhaled sharply as I jolted. “You are important. And what you ask of me is to walk away, leaving you to not only certain death but also with Kolis. If Aios told you all, then you know what that will entail. And you also have to know that it will be far worse for you because you won’t be his favorite. You will be his in all the ways he believes he has a right to.”
Nausea rose. “I know.”
He was right in front of me now, his eyes full of swirling eather. “Then you have to know that what you ask of me is to do exactly what you say you cannot do—what I’ve alreadyhadto do my entire life. To live while knowing I’ve left others behind to suffer and die in unimaginable ways. To live when I’m already dead inside.”
I drew back. “You’re not dead inside.”
“You really think that?” He laughed, and it was icy. Smoky. “Even had I never had mykardiaremoved, I wouldn’t be capable of love. Not after what I’ve had to do. What I’ve allowed. That alone would have left me unworthy of experiencing such an emotion. And that goodness you see in me? That part of me that you believe extends to all others, it’s almost gone. Letting Kolis destroy yet another innocent—destroyyou—will take what is left of that goodness. I will become something far worse than Kolis.”
He fears becoming Kolis.
I hadn’t thought that possible when Nektas had said it. I still didn’t, but I knew that didn’t matter if Nyktos believed it. If I demanded that others not tell me how to feel, it was not my place to then do one of those things I hated.
Which meant we were at a crossroads. In a stalemate and left with two options that neither of us could live with.
And neither realm would likely survive.
“Then I guess…” Exhaling roughly, I looked up at him. “Then I guess we’re screwed.”