I didn’t want to do what I’d have to do to weaken Kolis.
Instead, I wanted a future of my own, one where I could try to keep that part of me good—just like Nyktos did. A future that had more moments like the ones I’d spent with him earlier. Moments ofpeace. I wanted years like his friend Lathan had, where he didn’t struggle to find his breath when things became overwhelming. Maybe even moments like this, where I held a sleeping child in my arms, one that was mine. I wanted a future where I was—
I tried to stop the thought from finishing, but it was too late. Thewhybehind what I wanted was already fully formed, and the strangest, most terrifying thing occurred to me as I held Jadis closer.
Nyktos…he was all that I already knew—a Primal of Death who wanted to give the Shades the chance to face justice or redemption instead of the nothingness of the final death. He cared and thought of others, even at great risk to himself. What he’d done for Saion and Rhahar and countless others was evidence of not only that but also that he was succeeding at trying to be good.Breathe in.
Nyktos was a protector with far more thanone decent bone, but some of that did belong to me and only me.
I didn’t need him to prove that because he already had, three years ago when he refused to take me as his Consort. I just hadn’t realized it then, and gods knew it hadn’t turned out how he’d expected, but he’d wanted to give me freedom.Hold.And he’d proven it over and over again since then, when he prevented me from getting myself killed in the Luxe and didn’t touch a single hair on my head when I stabbed him in the heart. He’d stopped Tavius when no one else would or could. He’d saved my life again by giving me a rare antidote to a deadly toxin, and he did so before he even knew about the embers. He’d taken my mother down by several notches and then some. Then there was what Rhain had claimed after the Cimmerian came to the gates of the Rise. The unknown sacrifice Nyktos denied.Breathe out.
Even after he’d learned what I’d planned, he had proven it. No one, not even me, would’ve blamed Nyktos if he had locked me away in one of those many cells I’d seen earlier. But he hadn’t. He’d been angry, rightfully so, but the anger hadn’t lasted.
I knew this. After all, he’d given me his blood because he didn’t want to see me in pain.
Nektas had been right.
Nyktos didunderstandmy actions. Heacceptedthem. Two things even I knew were far more important than forgiveness. Nyktos knewme. Heardme. And he made sure I understood that a part of mewasgood. That he didn’t see me as a ghost. Or a monster. He sawme, as someone strong and brave with or without the embers, and I now knew he’d been telling the truth when he claimed to be angrier about what he believed to be my lack of regard for my life. That he cared despite his resolve not to see me as anything more than a Consort in title only. Despite his very real inability to love. And because of that, all of that…
I wanted more.
I wanted to be his wife.
His partner.
His Queen.
I wanted to be Nyktos’s Consort.
Afraid Jadis was falling, my arms tightened around her out of instinct as I became aware of her weight easing from my chest.
“It’s okay. I have her now.”
My eyes fluttered open in confusion at the sound of Nektas’s voice. He was seated at my hip, carefully untangling his daughter’s fingers from my hair. It was clear she still slept, her legs limp, even though her hold on my hair was stubborn.
“She doesn’t want to let go,” Nektas noted with a faint grin.
Realizing I must’ve fallen asleep, I glanced at the floor. Aios and the dishes were gone. My gaze flicked up to where Reaver was curled in the chair next to the couch, eyes open but sleepy.
“I’ve never seen her sleep this long.” Reaver rubbed at his cheeks with his fist. “Ever.”
Exactly how long had we been napping? I wasn’t sure, and it didn’t matter because I also realized my chest was humming faintly, meaning only one thing. My gaze swung back to Nektas’s hands. Nyktos was here. In this chamber.
Everything that I had been thinking about before I fell asleep came back to me in a rush. What I knew. What I wanted. Oh, gods. My heart was pounding all over the place, and I was a second away from tearing my hair free and running from the room as if I’d woken up and found asekyasitting on my chest. It might be a bit of an extreme reaction, but I didn’t know what to think about any of this. What to do or how to act. The wanting of something I could have was foreign to me. Because just like Nyktos, I’d spent a life of just existing, and wanting felt like living.
And that scared me even more since there was a really good chance I’d screw up a possible future—if there turned out to be one—with Nyktos. One that could be real. I wasn’t just a messy person. I wasthemess. Iwastemperamental. Violent. Stubborn. Prone to moodiness, anxious one second and overly confidentthe next. I could barely deal with myself on most days, but I wanted Nyktos to be able to handle me. My breath wheezed as Nektas worked all but one last tangle from Jadis’s fingers.
“This is all your fault,” I muttered under my breath.
Nektas’s hands halted. “What is?”
“Everything,” I grumbled. “Except the current situation with Jadis and my hair.”
“It’s been a long time since someone blamed me for nearly everything while I had no idea what I’d done.” A quizzical smile appeared. “Strangely, I think I missed that.” Nektas’s eyes lifted to mine—
I stiffened.
His eyes flashed a shade of blue so bright and intense that they briefly resembled polished sapphires before they returned to the deep red hue I knew.