“Hey,” April said, stepping through the door with plates and silverware in hand. “You look like someone who’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders.”
Sure as hell feels that way.
“Nah. Just got plenty to think about.”
It was like I couldn’t speak even a sentence without lying through my teeth.
I opened up the bag of food, putting the plastic containers on the table.
“Thai,” I said. “From this place down the way. Kind of a secret of mine.” I allowed myself a smile.
But it wasn’t matched by April. Instead, she stared at the food as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
“What’s up?” I asked. “Food’s better if you actually eat it instead of just staring at it.” I smiled as I spoke.
“Um, nothing.”
April dropped into the seat and looked away for a long moment before opening the food. I grabbed some plates, portioning the noodles out. We ate in silence, and about halfway through our meals I could tell something was distracting her.
I took her hand. “You can tell me anything. Whatever’s on your mind, I want to hear it.”
“It’s…I don’t know how to say it.”
“Try.”
She took a deep breath before turning her attention to me.
“What we have going on…have you done it before?”
I was confused. “What do you mean?”
“With…other nannies. With other women you’ve hired.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Are you asking if I’ve hired other nannies and slept with them? Is that it?”
“That’s what I’m asking.”
“Never once. April, what we’re doing is new for me. Maybe some people would consider it wrong. But I care about you, and the way I feel for you? It’s like nothing I’ve felt in as long as I can remember. Maybe ever.”
She appeared shocked and moved all at once. “You mean all of that? No lies?’
“No lies.” I put my hand on her leg. “I care deeply for you. And maybe it’s a surprise for you to hear it, but it’s a surprise for me to say it. You’re incredible, April, and what we have…it means so fucking much to me.”
There was more she needed to hear, but I had no idea how to say it.
“And I feel the same way about you, Jason. But…”
“But what?”
“But you’re right—maybe this is wrong. Maybe we shouldn’t be doing it.”
“Is that what you want?”
“No. I know what I want. But what I should do? That’s something else.”
I knew the feeling.