Our bond is unbreakable.
Chaos.
Utter. Total. Chaos.
I’m trying my best not to scream. Screaming would be stupid.Extraordinarilystupid now that the boys have settled down.
I’ve held down the fort on my own in LA for six full days. The longest motherfucking days of my entire life. The nanny Kris found quit on day two, despite my offer to double and then triple her pay. She met someone and is off to Europe, leaving me high and dry.
With me, myself and I to rely on, there’s no choice but to take up swearing like a sailor. It’s not on brand, I’m America’s fucking sweetheart after all. I don’t give two shits. Connor’s in Seattle for at least another week to attend a band meeting after he’s been there helping out after his father’s stroke. I haven’t had time to even think about posting an ad for a nanny.
Cussing’s the one thing getting me through the day.
I flop down on my unmade bed. Close my eyes so I can’t see my surroundings. The entire house is in shambles. I have food stuck in my hair. My breasts are leaking. I’m a flabby, out-of-shape blob. I’m starving, but too tired to eat. My gel manicure is peeling. To add insult to injury, my period came back today. The one-of-a-kind custom pearl-gray sofa I commissioned is ruined. I bled through onto it when I was napping with Torin splayed out across my chest.
The bubble has burst. This is not what I signed up for. My life, as I once knew it, is over.
God, whatI’d giveto turn back the clock.
Instantly, I feel sick I’d even have that thought. My babies are my world. I love them desperately. It’s just—the day-to-day is so friggin’ hard. It’s all I can do not to sob.
My phone lights up. Connor. I accept the call, grab the baby monitor and crawl under the covers. The quicker the call, the faster I can grab a couple of hours sleep. “Hey.”
“Are things any better? I haven’t heard from you all day.” Connor squinches his eyebrows together. He looks pale. Disheveled. Exhausted.
I shake my head. Bite my lip. He has enough on his plate without me adding to it. “No, I’m hoping Kris can let me borrow her admin for a day or two. At least set up some interviews.”
“I wish you’d reconsider bringing everyone up here. At least we’d be together.” Connor’s amber eyes are sad. I know he’s crushed at missing time with his sons.
I sigh. We’ve had this conversation a million times. My gut reaction is to refuse. My career has been on hold for too long. He’s the one who unilaterally decided to go to Seattle before we had a plan. Or a nanny. Or help. “Babe, the problem is Kris has me in meetings for the next week. I’m lucky they’re on Zoom, but the boys still needmyboobs. The three of us are tied together for now. Once they’re weaned, it will be easier if we need to be in different cities.”
Connor looks away. Nods. “Aye. You’re right. Uh…the thing is, Ty and Zoey are getting married. All of us are invited.”
“When?” The thought of hauling the kids to a wedding is fucking daunting, but I’ll need to be there. There’s no question. It’s too big of an occasion to miss.
He shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Three weeks.”
My mouth drops open.
“Hear me out, Mae.” Connor doesn’t give me a chance to respond. “Da’s doing a bit better. The rehab facility is nice. Cillian’s got Ma sorted out. We can both be back home in LA by December. You won’t be working. We both know that Hollywood essentially shuts down for the holidays the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. There’s no reason for us to be apart. Will you please come to Seattle? I miss you. I miss my boys.”
Every part of my body melts into goo. The guilt at my earlier heinous thoughts goes through the roof, however. I’m a terrible person. A terrible mother. I’ve got to be better. I’m so lucky to have my little family. “Let me make some calls tomorrow. If I can, I will.”
“Aye. Thank you, love.” He takes a deep breath. Smiles at me. “What’s in your hair?”
I roll my eyes. “Yogurt. Tristan thwacked it out of my hand when I attempted to eat something this afternoon.”
“I’m sorry you’re on your own, I’d do anything to be there. I love you so much.” His smile is weak, but genuine.
“I love you too.” I get out of bed when I hear joyful babbling on the baby monitor. I hold my index finger to my lip. “Shh, they’re awake. I’m going to peek in.”
Their nursery is in the room next door. My sons stare up at me wide-eyed from the crib they’ve shared since we moved back to LA. I flip the phone camera so Connor can see his sons. “Say hi to your papa, Tristan. Say hi to your papa, Torin.”
“Well, hello, wee lads. Your papa misses you. Look at those smiles.” I hear Connor through my phone. I let him coo at the twins until they start fussing.
I flip the phone back to my own face. “Duty calls, babe.”
“Before you hang up, you forgot to ask me how the band meeting went.” He grins at me. Even a glimpse of the babies gave Connor a pick-me-up from all of the drama with his family.