“How?” he asked, looking so concerned and worried about me. That look of endearment had my guilt racing back, and I sort of felt like I was cheating on Snyder by allowing Wasp to take me the way he did. But that was silly. Yes, Snyder had professed his love for me, but we all agreed what I had to do.
So, why did it make me feel like such a mess?
“I—” My words got lodged in my throat. But I knew I had to be honest with him. If there was anyone in this club, I had to be honest with, it was Snyder. “I was with Wasp.”
His grip on me tightened. Forcing myself to look up, I noticed the angry tension in his jaw.
“Wasp?” he asked, a blatant annoyance filling his tone. “Did he hurt you?”
Did he know what Wasp did behind closed doors?
“No...”
He let out a breath of relief.
“But I think I may have wanted him to.”
Snyder pulled me back a bit to look at him. “What do you mean?” He seemed put off by what I said, which made me feel even worse about myself.
I curled into him, unable to take back the words that felt so right to say.
“So he could punish me.”
“Punish you? For what, babe?”
“Everything.”
He looked so confused, and I didn’t know how to explain it to him without sounding crazy.
“For the mess I’ve made of everything. For allowing Clash to blackmail me. For needing Sandman’s strength. For desiring to be shared with Ranger. For needing Wasp’s dominance, but most of all, for falling for my temptation.” My hand lifted and clutched his cheek, and the smile that nuzzled against my hand lifted my heart so much.
“You shouldn’t be punished for following your heart, Shasta.”
I looked down at the floor, still shaken up by all the emotions surging through me.
“But that’s the thing, Snyder. I don’t know what my heart wants anymore. There’s a piece of it for all of you, and I’m afraid if I keep giving in, that you’re all going to end up dead.”
“Don’t worry about us, Shasta. We can handle Sabbath.”
“But what about Hoax and the Crows? They’re out there too.”
“And when they come knocking, we’ll be ready for them.”
“I can’t lose you, Snyder. I just can’t.”
He nuzzled his nose against my cheek, his arms bringing me a strength I desperately needed in that moment. Somehow Snyder always knew how to piece me back together when I felt like I was shattering apart inside.
“You won’t, Shasta. I promise you; I’ll never leave your side. As long as I live and breathe, I’ll always be right here for you.”
I looked up at him, my soul getting lost in the depths of blue that surrounded his pupil.
My heart so desperately wanted to believe him, but my head was a different story. My head knew what Sabbath was capable of, and knowing that created a fear in me that not even his smile and assurances could break.
“I wish I could believe that, Snyder.” I gently touched my lips to his, losing myself in the safety that I felt in his kiss. “But we both know that loving me is nothing more than a death sentence for us both.”
His lips covered mine, and a warm shiver crawled up my spine.
“Shasta, I know you’re scared, and what we’re doing feels wrong, but search your heart. I know you feel what I feel when we’re around each other. I truly believe that you were put on this planet just for me. And I’m determined to spend my life protecting you. If that comes with a death sentence, so be it. At least I’ll die protecting the only woman who has ever meant something to me.”