One of his shoulders goes up and down. “Just wondering.”
“Curiosity killed the cat, you know?”
He presses his lips together to keep the mouth twitching at bay. “I’m aware.”
“In case you were wondering, you’re the damn cat.”
He nods once. “Aware of that too.”
I exhale harshly, and he gets the signal and lies down beside me.
We both stare at the ceiling for a while, or at least I think Ash is too. Maybe I got lucky and he fell asleep. I don’t want to look over and encourage him.
Probably better if he didn’t witness my struggle anyway. “I haven’t thought about Tommaso in days, maybe even weeks. Not once, Ash. Not one single time. He was my focus for so long, getting revenge for him my driving force for months. Then suddenly, nothing.”
It’s silent for so long, I believe he really fell asleep.
But then he inhales and exhales loudly. “Don’t feel bad for living your life, man. I’m glad you finally reached a turning point. We were all worried about you, so this is a good thing. Not to mention, your cousin wouldn’t have wanted that either, definitely not the old Tommaso.”
“Mmm.”
Now that I started thinking about him and the whole situation again, I can’t stop.
“You know,” Ash pauses, something that isn’t a good sign for him, “I was getting a bit worried about you for a while there. You became pretty obsessed getting revenge for him. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the person who’s responsible for his death shouldn’t pay for what they did, but you were incredibly intense about it. It was the only thing you talked about for weeks, hiding behind the computer or phone every spare minute you had trying to find his killer. Barely anything mattered but his death. Complete tunnel vision where you barely spent time with us either. I think I’ve seen more of you in the last few weeks than I did in the few months prior.”
I nod and gnaw on my lip, thinking about the last few weeks, months, years.
“Do you remember when we hung out with Tommaso all the time?” I pull up my left leg to stretch, just so I have something to do.
“Yeah. We were all together constantly. Until . . .”
I swallow. “Yeah, until . . .”
Ash sits up and stares down at me, his brows furrowed. “Is that why you got so obsessed with his death? Because you still feel guilty?”
I shrug. “I should have tried harder.”
“Teo, he didn’t want our help. We all tried our hardest, but his addiction was stronger.” He brushes a hand through his hair. “I know the drugs weren’t what killed him in the end, but we lost him a long time ago. I know you wanted to help him, but he was no longer the same person we used to know. There isn’t anything you could have done differently.”
I switch legs, the lump in my throat growing. “Maybe.”
“Are you still going to meet with Nikolai?”
I nod. “Yeah. I started it, so I want to see it through.”
“Just promise me not to get killed in the process?”
I huff out a small laugh. “You think I’m an amateur?”
He grabs his water bottle to unscrew it. “Nope. Just your normal crazy self.”
“I can live with that. Crazy intimidates people.”
“Not a certain person though, am I right?”
We both know who he’s talking about, and immediately this feeling of slight manic energy spreads through my entire body at the thought of Gemma. It does come with a side of dark worries concerning her safety and well-being and wanting to kill everyone who looks at her wrong, but so far, I’ve been able to keep that side under control.
He copies my movements, pulling one leg up to his chest. “You know, I’ve never seen you like this with a woman. It’s been interesting.”