Signs of gaslighting include:
You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to
You often wonder if you're being too sensitive
You feel like everything you do is wrong
You apologize often
You make excuses for your partner's behavior
You have a sense that something's wrong, but aren't able to identify what it is
I slap my phone facedown onto the table, shaking my head as if trying to clear the newfound information from it.
This is ridiculous. Steve does not have a personality disorder—he's just a little bit of an asshole.
But between what happened this morning and the things I just read, I can't stop twirling the idea around in my head. I can't stop thinking about how manipulative Steve is, how selfish and cruel he can be. How he's perfect on paper but oftentimes the complete opposite behind closed doors.
How my 85/15 rule is starting to look…
...like a 15/85 rule instead.
I start to pace around the kitchen as I turn these thoughts over and over again in my head.
Realizing the truth about Steve is one thing, but doing something about it is something entirely different. Because now I’m stuck asking the questions:What do I do now? Do I confront him? Can he even change? Should I just leave him?
I pause and let out a heavy exhale as I think about what a confrontation would even look like. It’s not hard to take a guess. Anything I would point out would be immediately shut down, either by being swept under the rug or by somehow being twisted to be my fault. That’s just who he is. That’s just the gaslighting asshole that he is.
I can’t lie to myself that I think he’s capable of change. He’s not. This isn’t a singular quality that someone can work on, it’s an entire personality type. It’s literally called apersonalitydisorder. So if that’s the case, is it even worth trying to argue about it? What good would it do me to confront him if 1) it wouldn’t even be acknowledged, and 2) it’s not something that he could change?
The answer is… none. It wouldn’t do any good.
I drop my head into my hands on another heavy exhale. The only option left is to just… end it. Break up with him and get out of the relationship.
Butfuck…the idea of walking up to him and saying “I want to break up” is terrifying. Because his next question would be to ask why, to which I wouldn’t have a good enough answer—by his standards, at least. Telling him that he’s a certifiable narcissist that makes me feel like shit about myself would get me… I have no idea what it would get me. Laughed out of the room, probably. Because he definitely wouldn’t accept a breakup.
I raise my head, anger roiling in my gut and a frustrated scream getting trapped in my throat. I want torageat the unfairness of it all, at the fact that I not only ended up with a fraud but also that it took me this long to realize it.
And Istillcan’t bring myself to leave. Because even knowing everything, knowing all that he is, I still feel like I need a better out. Like I need a true excuse before I end it.
And I fuckinghatethat I feel that way.
Because I know I’m a coward for thinking like that.
I give up on my internal argument, swallow my scream, and turn to the kitchen for a distraction. I set to cleaning up the pointless breakfast mess, every swipe of the sponge an attempt at clearing my mind the way I’m clearing the dishes. It doesn’t help, though. I’m just as confused by the time I’m done.
Just as confused by the time I get home from work.
Just as confused by the time Steve crawls into bed that night, giving me a chaste peck and acting like nothing even happened this morning.
And when he comes home from his weekend in Atlantic City, looking just as smug as he is hungover, I can't stop thinking about what all of this means for my future.
6
HAILEY
"Babe, can you drive me to the airport on Monday morning? I have a flight to Chicago at 8am."