She spit out the words and then spun around, desperately trying to find the closest door. Without waiting for a response, Felicity fled the ballroom. As she wove in and out of the crowd, Felicity had the sense that she had done this before. In fact, at the last ball she attended, the overwhelming panic that sunk in whenever she thought too long about her future had crept in, sending her out to a veranda and into the arms of a scared soldier. Despite her mother’s warnings, despite her own good sense, Felicity hoped against hope that he would be there again to calm her down or at least distract her long enough for her to calm herself.
He is why you’re in this mess in the first place. Everything was fine until he asked you to dance. You cannot wish that he would magically appear and solve all of your problems. Life does not work that way, Felicity.
With every step closer to the balcony that promised cool air and a reprieve from the constant noise of the ballroom, Felicity’s panic melted into anger and frustration. She was furious with herself that she allowed herself to get distracted by the very thing she had promised Ruth would not distract her. She was angry that her mother reminded her every day, sometimes several times a day, of their fragile financial situation as her mother insisted on continuing to buy the latest fashions and rent the most extravagant carriages. She was frustrated that Benjamin couldn’t be the solution she needed, and that shocked her most of all. She would never wish someone an inheritance only gained by the death of a loved one, but she desperately wished that Benjamin had been titled in his own right. She wasn’t sure when her feelings had grown so strong to push her to desperation, but here she was.
“We have to stop meeting like this,” a warm, familiar voice said from behind her, “or it will soon become a habit.”
She froze. A wave of relief crashed over Felicity, loosening the tightness in her chest ever so slightly.
“Benjamin,” she heaved with a sigh as she turned to face him.
She must have gotten too caught up in her own thoughts to realize that he had also made his way outside. At least this time, she was saved from the embarrassment of running into him, literally.
“What happened?” he asked, taking a step closer, his own mix of emotions shining brightly behind his eyes.
“N-no-nothing,” she stuttered, willing her heart to slow.
“It does not look like ‘nothing’. You’re upset.” A deep frown replaced the warm smile he had greeted her with. “What’s wrong?”
Felicity shook her head, unable to string together the sentences to explain what was happening. The irony of the situation was not lost on her. Here she was, overcome with emotion, longing for someone to see it, to see her. She needed to tell someone about her affection for Benjamin, about her disdain for Lord Roberts. And the only person who seemed to notice her was the man at the source of her heartache.
“We've been through this before. This is not the first time we’ve helped distract each other from the world beyond those doors. We can do it again.”
His words were filled with such logical hope while his eyes shone with affection she didn’t dare to acknowledge. Not yet trusting herself to form words, Felicity nodded, still trembling.
“It is a much cooler night than the last time we stood outside talking,” he commented, trying to keep his voice casual as they walked. A beat passed before he realized that Felicity was still beyond responding. “Did I tell you that my mother has made it to the city?” He arched an eyebrow at her and continued on. “I expected her to stay away for the season. She is not the same person she used to be, and I feared the ton’s viciousness would be too much for her. She seems determined to prove me wrong.”
“Why?” Felicity’s voice was soft and fragile. She hated it.
“I think my mother just loves to prove me wrong,” he said with a laugh.
“Why is she not the same person?” Her words felt stronger this time, the knot in her chest shrinking.
“Oh, that.”
All ease slid out of Benjamin at her question. They had made their way to the railing, and he twisted, giving Felicity a view of his profile as he sought the stars with his eyes.
“I apologize,” Felicity picked up her hand intending to place it on his shoulder before she stopped herself, thinking better of it. “I did not mean to ask such a difficult question.”
At that, he turned back to her. Now she was the one unable to hold his gaze. The mix of emotions rose to the surface once more as she took in the knowing, familiar way he looked at her. She was far too comfortable with this man. Before meeting Benjamin, she would never have imagined having such close conversations with a man or calling him by his given name. Now, she was having to stop herself from stepping closer to offer him comfort.
“Felicity,” he whispered, the word sounding more like a prayer than her name.
I should not be this close.
She took a step back.
What if someone heard us?
Another step back.
What if someone saw us?
Another step back.
What if Mother saw us?
The heavy weight of responsibility latched firmly to her shoulders, rooting her in place. Her carelessness could ruin everything. Being out here with Benjamin could crush all of her sisters’ dreams at their happily ever after.