“You’re adorable when you’re sleepy.” And sassy. I pick her up and carry her into the stall, and she clings to me in that amazing way she does. “I’m going to put you down.” She increases her hold. It’s thrilling. “I can’t wash you without any free hands,” I say over a laugh.
“I want to stay stuck to you.”
Oh God. More of that, please. All of that. Bring it on, I’m ready. I show my appreciation with a gentle peck on her forehead. I can flex. So I maneuver her in my hold, supporting her under the bum with a knee, and reach for the products I need, dropping them to the floor. Then I take us down together until she’s cradled in my lap, curled in snuggly. The water pouring down on us is peaceful, but my head is screaming. It’s relentless, and none of the thoughts welcome.
Tell her.
I can’t, and that makes me hate myself even more.
I grab the soap and start working it over her skin where I can, given her arms are locked around my neck. I have no desire to remove them. None at all. I do the best I can on her hair, working through some shampoo and then some conditioner, and as I’m rubbing her scalp, rinsing it from her hair, my movements falter, my eyes stuck on her dozing form. So unaware. So in the dark. I lean in and kiss her temple, squeezing my eyes closed. “I want to look after you forever,” I murmur, silently begging she lets me do that. Devote myself entirely to her. It’ll make me feel better about deceiving her so terribly. For betraying her.Please forgive me for all of my past sins.Please complete me.
My eyes fly open when I feel her hand loosen from around my neck, sliding over my shoulder to my front and slipping down to my tummy. She’s awake.
“Okay,” she whispers.
My fucking heart cracks for her, but for me, it beats faster.Life.
Okay.
“Come on,” I say, my voice thick. “Let’s get you out.”
She kills me some more when she kisses my chest gently, and I blink back the sting in my eyes. Hopeless. I swallow and drop my gaze, and she smiles, hesitant and unsure. I try my hardest to give her a sincere one in return. “What’s wrong?” she asks.
What’s right amid this pile of wrongness?
Only her. She’s right.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I lie. “Everything is right.” I clench her cheeks, trying again with that smile, absorbing every inch of her. Just to check she’s real. Just to check she’s really here.
I’m only half assured.
I reach behind me and flip the shower off, helping her up, and I wrap myself in a towel quickly then spend an age taking immense pleasure from rubbing her down and squeezing the water from her hair.Look after her.She’s welcoming right now, but what about tomorrow when she’s not immersed in my physical attention and my body? “You want me to carry you?”
She nods, and she’s back in my arms in a heartbeat. I put her in bed and smile as she crawls under the sheets. I join her, and I’ve barely come to rest before she’s smothering me completely, spreading herself all over me. I’m completely swathed in her. And it’s the most soothing place in the world.
“Go to sleep, baby.” I kiss her sweetly, pulling her closer.
And I lie there all night trying to figure out how the fuck I get to keep this woman, and at the same time save her from me.
25
It’s beena long time since I’ve been awake so early and wanted to be. It’s a new day, and after the perfection of last night, I’m excited for it. I’m also terrified. If I could just make the entire world disappear, except for us, that would be ideal. Keep us in a bubble. One that could never pop, let alone explode. Because it will. It has to.
And the shards of devastation could be scattered for miles.
She’s dead to the world, her breathing light, her lips parted just so. She looks so cozy. Comfortable. Like she should never leave my bed. I’ve only ever watched one other person in my life sleep. Sit there for hours, just making sure her chest was moving up and down, every so often placing a palm there to feel her heartbeat. To feel her warmth. The only warmth that was in my life.
I swallow and reach for Ava’s chest, laying my hand between her breasts. The feel of the beats pulsing into my touch makes me smile sadly, uncomfortable with the life seeping into me. Because if there is one thing in the world I know for sure, it’s that life isn’t guaranteed. It can be stolen. Ripped away. I can’t allow that to happen again. I’ll never survive it.
My touch moves to her face. Her skin is glowing. Her lashes are incomprehensibly long. Her lips are beautifully swollen and pink.You need this.“Do whatever it takes,” I whisper, my eyes traveling across her peaceful face. “You want to be here,” I tell her quietly. “And I will absolutely ensure it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.” I lean in and drop a kiss on her lips, and she murmurs sleepily, her hand lifting and falling onto my nape. I pull back a little, studying her. “Save me, Ava,” I whisper. “You’re the only one who can.” My eyes close, and I sink my face into her neck as she skates her hand back and forth across my nape for a few hypnotic moments, before her moves slow to nothing again. I remain still against her. Rested, despite my restlessness. Calm, despite the swirl of torment inside. Happy, despite the misery shrouding my existence.
I tear myself from her body and tuck her in, then pad quietly out of the bedroom, taking myself down to the kitchen for some water. As I’m downing the glass, my eyes land on her purse. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and approach with caution, my eyes flicking to the doorway, my mind seeing her snuggled up safely in my bed. Unconscious. Unaware. This huge, sprawling penthouse feels somehow homelier with Ava here. My life is somehow more tolerable.
I reach into her purse gingerly and shift a few things aside. A pack of pills lays at the bottom.Take them.
I retract my hand, stepping back, getting a safe distance away. “Stop it,” I say to my wayward mind. “Just—” My foot catches something on the floor, and I glance down. Her shoe. I look across the kitchen and spy the rest of her clothes, scattered all over the place. Without a second thought, and perhaps to get me away from her purse, I gather her things and place them on the island. And stare at them.
Keep her.