“Why did you not try to?”
“Because, I saw why he wanted to stay. Or I should say who he wanted to stay for. Once I met you, I knew he’d never return.”
“But how could you know that?”
Turning his head over his shoulder to see mine resting on the same side, I saw the earnest truth inside of them. “Because I wouldn’t have either, if I had you.”
Not saying anything else, I wasn’t sure how to respond without feeling embarrassed. Cian spoke honestly in a way that told me he meant every word. He had only visited us for a few days back then, but his quick exit made more sense. He was jealous of Philip for finding love in a way that changed his future forever. It was when he tried returning home that Morrigan first visited him and hurt him from his refusal.
Letting the silence sit between us, I did hold onto him a little tighter, letting him know he was worth his credit in all of this for choosing to stay good. His hands did the same around my legs.
As we entered the little patch of warm land with a waterfall in the center, I knew we wouldn’t stay in this oasis long. We’d sleep for the night and then storm Morrigan’s doorstep tomorrow.
22
Briar
The dream played out the same, but I woke before Philip came to save me. Hating how real it all felt again, I patted my body down to remind it that no strangers were near me.
All the loss hit me at once like it had every morning since waking up. Sniffling in my furs, I tried to mask it for Alasdair not to hear because he was right beside me. Though, I should’ve known better. The prince was shaking from his own troubling dreams finding him.
“Us again,” I tried to sigh out in a humorous way, but my watery tone disheveled it.
“Pain seeks pain to feel less alone in our suffering,” he gritted out quiet enough to let the others sleep.
“I don’t like feeling it,” I confessed. “All the loss… it just sits in my chest and makes every breath feel harder to let in.”
“It’s because part of you no longer exists, tempting the rest of you to join. If you stop breathing, the pain stops. Death silences it all.”
“So how come you didn’t choose death?” When I went to wipe my eyes clean, his fingers were already there to catch my tears.
“Maybe, I’m a masochist.” He smirked like he could end our moment with that. When I gave him a look to give me a real answer, he wouldn’t meet my gaze, knowing it was easier to ignore than admit. “My pain would’ve passed on to the next in line, and it seemed wrong to do that to them. If I’m already shattered into numbness, I might as well save everyone I can from breaking themselves before I end.”
“A heroic answer,” I quipped for him to know his journey meant something.
“I’m a man who can’t numb his pain, Briar. That’s not the definition of a hero.” His eyes were still wet as we talked below the blankets.
“But you’re saving others from suffering,” I challenged.
“Am I?” This time, he let me see how he regretted not being able to fully save his people from the madness. “The darkness… it eats more of me away every day I wake up. It consumes me the second I exist again, breaking me more to that line I shouldn’t think about crossing.”
His words spurred my mind to recall what I told Philip when he replaced the bad memory with something good. Insecure entirely, I did something I wasn’t even sure would work.
Scooting my body toward him, I placed us under our combined furs for coverage before removing my top for him to see my naked breasts. His stare widened when he understood I was removing my clothes.
“Um, Briar? What are you doing?” His voice was raspy from sleep and crying, but I loved how it made my skin prickle from it.
“Pain seeks pain,” I whispered, leaning over to give him a kiss that would stop his thoughts long enough to feel something other than our personal torments. When I pulled back, I blinked slowly for him to see I was okay with this. “Share your suffering with me, Alasdair. Let me help it leave you, if only for a minute.”
Not needing to be told twice, he stripped down as well, wanting to feel my skin against his in a form of comfort. Placing himself above me, his eyes begged me to let him inside, but he worried from how sore I had been. Wrapping my hands around his neck, I began kissing him like we did on the table in the castle’s kitchen.
He entered me in the same moment, eating my cries from feeling him stretch me. The bit of soreness I had left, enjoyed our encounter. Together, we worked our bodies nice and slow, rolling in unison as a way to relieve our pain.
The tears still fell because sadness ate at us from our subconsciousness refusing to let the past go. The heat of his body blanketed me like Philip’s had the day in the forest, promising we’d find a way through the coldness of our hearts from the crippling of our pasts.
We worked together in tandem, seeking out the soul of our mate to help through. In the furs of our nest, we made love in a way that told me Alasdair would be mine forever. They all would, and that idea no longer plagued me.
When I encountered Philip in my delirious state, I felt his approval of what I had done in his name. I felt he was okay with accepting I took them on in my soul where he still resided. Learning to love them wasn’t a stain on his name, it helped me feel him more.