I feel that tight pain return in my chest that comes with the realization that I’m hurting her more than I’m helping her. I felt it before. A long time ago.
“Okay.”
“What’s that mean?”
“I would rather live without you than not be able to look at you from a distance and know you’re okay. If I need to stay away, if I was wrong about you needing me, then I’ll step back, baby, ’cause I will not push you over the edge.”
“Good.” She sounds just as upset about that as I am, and I’m fucking drowning, and there is no life preserver in sight.
“Tell me that it will make you not think shit like that again. I can’t fucking lose you. I just can’t.”
“Then now you know how it feels to have lost him.”
I look away, and she grabs my chin and turns it to her. “I’m so sorry I can’t get you through your loss, but—”
“I never needed you to. I’m good, Tessa. Okay?” I smile, hoping she’s buying into my shit. “Please be safe and keep Jade close.”
She nods. “Goodbye, Lucas.”
I can’t stand the hot and cold, yes and no, love me, don’t love me shit that only I bring into her life. One minute, we’re not going to be just sleeping, and the next, she wants more, and then there’s a fight. Grasping to hold on, I start the back and forth, too. The you-don’t-have-to-talk, and then the you-need-to-talk-to-me. This head trip we do to one another is insane, always had been. Both of us trying to hold the other up. Both of us too stubborn to allow it. The most fucked-up part is that I want to be all those things for her, and she can’t handle it, not now. Maybe not ever. But I cannot be the cause of her pain. I know we love each other. She knows it, too.
When she walks out the door, the pain is so intense that it brings me to my knees. I hold my chest and pray to God to take the pain away, or let it take me but to keep Tessa safe.
SEVENTEEN
OVER AGAIN
It’s been two months and seven days since I last saw or heard from her. Jade continues to update me on all the places Tessa and her family are traveling around the world. They are closing a chapter of their life.
After a week of not hearing from her, I stopped responding to Jade. I even stopped going there. I made my trips into Jersey and took care of business. Around the house, I was fucking super Dad. Pretty sure I’ll be getting a cape that says so next Father’s Day. Logan picked on me at first for cooking so much, but then his buddies started coming over and eating dinner with us. I’m a damn good cook.
Cooking isn’t my only talent. I can go through a room in seven hours and completely remove Ashley’s belongings. I had a moving trailer delivered that I filled with all her shit and shipped everything to her when I was finished.
Bitch!
The other thing I became good at was tracking concert activity for The Brody Hines Band. Maddox and his father are on tour, and Tessa went with Harper to all the concerts. There are pictures everywhere online and in the news.
Zach Taylor, an old band mate of Maddox’s, is around a lot. More importantly, there are a lot of pictures where he and Tessa seem to be in deep conversation, and his fucking arm is around her. One that still haunts me is his arms surrounding her and holding her head against his chest. I don’t like the motherfucker. And I’m not all too happy that she looks so fucking comfortable with him.
I had to stop paying attention because it hurt, not just emotionally but physically. I can easily do the same shit. I receive messages daily from the ladies offering all sorts of shit to “get me through my rough time.”The thing is, they have no clue how rough it is. I love a girl whose life has just completely been destroyed. A girl who I know belongs to me. A girl I fucked over many years ago and want to right the wrongs. A girl who knows the same fucking thing but feels guilty about her feelings. A girl whose husband died in what I consider the most honorable way a man could die—saving his child.
Ava was able to meet her brother and me in Mexico, and regardless of the cloud over my head that now accompanies me everywhere, we had a great time. When we weren’t snorkeling, exploring the Mayan ruins, or going into town to shop—yes, Ava’s idea—we were sleeping, eating, and laughing.
One night, we went out dancing, and my children pushed me into dancing with a beautiful woman who kept asking. She and her friend also asked if I was single. Yeah, both, as in at the same time. I politely declined. No second-guessing either. I wasn’t interested in anyone else but Tessa. I was actually anxious to get home.
Ashley hasn’t seen Logan in a month and is calling him less and less. He calls her twice a week, because I insisted. He has less than a month of school. Graduating second in his class, and get this, he’s going to Syracuse University to play ball, my Alma Mater.
Ava is coming home for three weeks before continuing on with her schooling. She’s excited about planning her “baby brother’s” graduation party. But first, it’s to the Cape with the Brooks and Abraham crew to celebrate Collin’s life.
I told Ava I wouldn’t be able to attend, and she was pissed. But I made some damn excuse about work, so I think she bought it.
?
Today, two days later, I get a text.
- Why aren’t you coming? … TT
I try to make her wait for an answer, but I can’t do that to her.