When she wakes up, she rubs my chest and looks up at me. “Thanks.”
“You hungry?”
“No, I need to go.”
I hesitate then finally let her sit up. “I hate this part.”
“What part?” she asks as she steps off the bed.
“The part where you leave.”
She bends down and kisses me, then rubs my cheek. “I promise—”
“Oh, bullshit.” I force a laugh and stand up.
She looks down.
“Look, I am just gonna ask you once to see me before you leave again.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it, Tessa. We don’t have to have sex or talk about hurt, but this.” I point to my bed. “Sleeping is important. Let me at least help you out with that.”
“Okay.”
I look at her, trying to figure out what she’s thinking.
“Tomorrow at nine.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. But Lucas?”
“What, baby?”
“We won’t just be sleeping.”
I’m a little shocked and a lot turned on. “Perfect.” I have to try to turn it off, too. “Look, you and I are going to happen. I want you to trust that I’m here, and that I want to know how you’re feeling, what you’re feeling. I want you to be able to tell me when you’re hurting and trust me to hold you together.”
She scowls at me. “When? After you fuck me? Is that the appropriate time to tell the man who says I am supposed to be with him that I don’t know if that’s true? Am I supposed to tell you or hide that I wish it were me who died so I didn’t have to be the one left behind? Am I supposed to tell you that, after I am with you, I feel ashamed and disgusted that I enjoyed myself when Collin can’t? Am I supposed to look at my children and say, ‘Hey, I’m banging Lucas again, so let’s move on?’”
I let her vent and rant for as long as I can.
“You’re still supposed to be here, Tessa. Collin’s time—”
“For you, Collin was a fill-in until you got your shit together and realized I was worth it back then.”
“No, Tessa, that’s not—”
“I was worth it, you know! He was not a fill-in! He was—”
“You were worth it, and you still are. Collin was supposed to be—”
“Just stop. Just stop!”
“I’m sorry that this is tearing at you. It hurts me to see you hurt. I wish you could see that.”
“I can’t see anything! I am a fucking wreck, and you’re making it worse, Lucas! Give me time to heal, dammit. Because maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m supposed to just end it.”