“I know that, Phoebe.”
“Do you, or are these feeling you have for him confused because of what happened in the past?”
“He hurt me—no, he crushed me.”
“Yet you kept him in your life. Why, Tessa?”
“He said the same thing, and that’s not fair.”
“Why?” Phoebe asks.
“Because if he felt that, if Ashley left him because of that, I hurt him, and I never meant to. I never meant to. And if you all thought that, what kind of life did Collin really live? I never would have left Collin, not ever.” I start to cry, and both of them hug me.
“We all know that, and so did Collin. He became friends with Lucas. He and Lucas were friends. They did a lot of things together. They coached together, vacationed together, and talked like friends do. Collin knew how much you loved him. He also knew you love Lucas.”
“Loved,” I warn them.
“Open the letter, Tessa.” Jade touches my hand.
“I can’t. I can’t do this.”
Phoebe snatches it out of my hand. “Then I will.”
Phoebe is the mild-mannered one in this group of three, so it shocks me that she would be so pushy.
“Don’t look at me like that. Did you hear me say that Alex and I read books on grief, Tessa? We are scared that we’ll lose you, too. Hell, everyone is, but we walk on eggshells because we don’t want to push. Your sons call Alex and ask how you are because you put up such a strong front, and no one wants to tell you that you aren’t that fucking strong. You’re like an ice princess. We’re afraid if we push you too hard, you’ll break.
“We miss him, too. We loved him, too, but he’s gone. You’re here, and by God, we’re gonna make sure you stay here. If I have to push you into Lucas Links’ bed, butt ass naked, I will. I swear I will just to see you feel again. I love you, so you just … you just … cut the shit and sit your ass down so I can read you a letter.”
“I have to be strong.”
“You have to be human. You have to feel.” Jade rubs my back.
“What the fuck is going on here? Jade’s being sweet, and you’re being a … bitch. I’m leaving.” I try to walk away, but Phoebe stops me.
“Sit your ass down and listen to us. Listen to the letter. Then, if you wanna run away, I can’t stop you. But you’re missing so much in the lives of your family. Your dad is living in pain and needs a hip replacement, but he’s afraid to tell you or schedule it, because he doesn’t want to rock your boat. Alex cried in front of me for the first time, Tessa, because he woke from a dream about Harper being taken. He has bad dreams about you, too.”
I cover my face and cry, really cry, in front of them.
“Have you even allowed yourself to feel when you cry up until now, Tessa?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.”
“When?”
“What does it matter?”
“When?”
“When I spent time with Lucas, and that makes me feel like shit, too.”
Phoebe wipes my tears. “I officially call Doe Camp weekend Friday and Saturday night. We’re gonna cry and get this shit sorted out. You have a granddaughter on the way, and she deserves the Tessa who is truly strong and not faking it. She deserves a grandma who feels instead of one who pretends.”
The grandmother part hits like a freight train.
I sit on the counter, and Phoebe read Collin’s letter.
Links,