If you’re receiving this letter, it’s because I’m gone and you’re not.
I’m not gonna beat around the bush; I’m gonna tell you everything I want you to know.
When I first met you, I wanted to kill you with my bare hands. Tessa wouldn’t let me. I didn’t get it then, but I’m a quick learner (unlike you, and I thank God above for that). I also thank Tessa because, when she has her mind made up, it’s done. Unless you can delicately prove her wrong, you’re screwed. You weren’t man enough to do that.
After you invited us to Doe Camp and I saw how strong you were being for her, I knew then I wouldn’t have a problem with you. I felt your pain and knew immediately what the love of that girl had done to us both. I also knew that I would treasure her even more than I did at that moment.
A conversation we had once was one I wanted to have many times but needed it to flow so that you wouldn’t catch on. We were at the Cape, and you were laughing at something Tessa was doing with Logan. The older kids were swimming, and he was still learning, but he was stubborn, and as much as you tried, he tried harder to show you he was strong. “I’m a big boy, Daddy,” is what he said, and you said, “I know that, bud.” Apparently, Logan enjoyed Tessa’s company and instruction more than yours. Smart boy. I watched you watch them and laughed. I mentioned how amazing she was, you agreed. I mentioned that she was mine. You looked shocked and said, “No shit. The ring’s a dead giveaway.” I asked you, “What if there was no ring?” You laughed like you did when I got all possessive and pushed me because you enjoy pissing me off. I said four words, “Can’t have her yet.” You gave me an annoyed look and said, “Good, ’cause I wouldn’t trade my wife and kids for the world. What the fuck, man?” I laughed it off, and you laughed, too.
I knew she would never leave me for you, and you knew it, too.
Soon after that conversation, you and I got closer. I looked at you differently. I trusted you, even though I knew you loved her as much as she loved you. And just so we’re clear, I never was concerned that she would leave me for you or anyone else unless I fucked up as bad as you had. My wife is like no other.
I can safely assume you got the letter I had delivered to you, containing information about Ashley’s infidelities, and I am so very sorry, Lucas. I want you to use caution when it comes to Robert Robertson. I don’t trust him not to toy with you. I believe your children and Ashley are safe, but you are not. A jealous man should not be taunted.
There is a man you hired a few years ago. He was employed by me for three years. He is looking out for your best interest. Trust Bones completely. He is one of many who are still strategically placed to watch out for those I care for.
Yes, care for.
I know you will always be part of my family’s life. Therefore, you qualify as one of those people who I care for. You were a good friend to me. Your children to mine. I know you love my wife. And I know she loves you. If something happens that you two end up together, I have a warning for you. Although I am one hundred percent certain you wouldn’t hurt her again, because I know people and you are a damn good man, Tessa is going to have a very hard time trusting you. A hard time separating her feelings from the past with whatever feelings may be transpiring now. Tessa feels so deeply about everything and everyone. She is like no other. Her heart is pure and good.
Do you remember me saying you can’t have her yet? Well, you can’t until she is ready. Promise me that, and it’s the only promise I will ask you to make.
In closing, I am very happy to have known you. Again, you were one of the very few people I trusted in my life. Take care of yourself and her.
Your friend,
Collin
I sit, looking at the ground, and then Phoebe smiles.
Can’t have you yet, can’t have you yet… My husband’s dying fucking words.
No, not possible.
“Give me that letter, please.”
“Okay … why?”
“Because I can’t believe a word of what you just said.”
“Because none of it sounds like Collin?” Phoebe asks.
“Some things, but—”
“Like what?” Jade asks.
“Can’t have you yet.” I begin to shake. “The night he died, he fought so hard to stay with me, and he said those exact words.” It dawns on me that he said them a time or two before, as well, and I didn’t remember.
Jade and Phoebe hug me, and all of us cry for a long time.
“Is it over now, Tessa?” Phoebe asks, wiping my eyes. “Will you move past it now?”
“Because my husband’s pimping me out from the grave?”
Jade laughs, and it pisses me off.
“Not funny, Jade.”