Moments later, he enters the room.
“You want some?” I ask.
He shakes his head.
I pour myself a cup of coffee, walk past him, and sit at the table.
He looks out the window before turning around and propping himself against the window sill, folding his arms across his chest.
He studies me.
Silent.
Sad.
My chin quivers as I look at the cup.
“Today was not a good day for me,” I say and pause. “I knew I’d have to face this sooner or later. Him. The past. I often wondered what my life would’ve been had I not met this man. All these years, I felt guilty for creating a rift in my family and being the one revealing this man’s secrets. I didn’t want to be the one who told my sister that she had married a sociopath. As much as I didn’t want to like what he did to me. But I did. I can’t blame anyone other than myself. I know I can’t change the past, but sometimes I wonder if everything would’ve been different had I resisted him.”
His eyes lose their spark.
“Some days, I just want to go away. Find a perfect spot...” I say, staring blankly at the window. “Have that invisible wall around me... to protect me––the one from my childhood story. A place where days and nights are equally beautiful, silence is soothing, and time drips in a perfect sequence of happiness.”
I glance down at my hands.
“Sometimes I wish I were more like Sara.”
He edges to the table and takes a seat.
He looks at me.
“What exactly are you saying?”
I glance at him, my eyes filled with tears.
“I wish I were that woman, Jaden... Someone who’s not ashamed of her past. Someone kind and gentle. I have it in me. I know I do. It’s that girl inside me who’s everything I want to be. She’s still with me, trailing along, but there isn’t much for her to live off––I lost so much. But if I know anything about her, she’s stubborn, and she’ll never go away. ”
A sad smile curls his lips.
“Sara didn’t have an easy life. ”
“I know...” I murmur. “But her heart has never been broken.”
“Because I protected her.”
I lower my eyes to let a few tears fall.
“I was her invisible wall, “ he says. “And you already are the woman that you want to be. You were probably that woman even back then. You were the only one who looked at me differently when I was nothing but a paid fuck. Nobody thought much of me. Women treated me like meat, and men, even the lowest scum, showed me only disdain. I was nothing but a pretty face at the corner of the street, getting my dick sucked for money. Remember, I didn’t use to come inside Jill’s. Those who worked there and knew what I was doing couldn’t stay away from me far enough. They preferred to wipe the bar clean a few more times instead of shaking my hand.”
I look at him, his beautiful eyes wrapped in soft, mournful light.
“I lost a lot too, Senna. I didn’t want or choose to, but I did. I wish I could turn back time and find the young boy I used to be, talk to him, teach him not to fear, and make him strong enough to face life’s crap. I can’t. He’s not gone, either. He’s the one who talks to Emma, plays with her, and writes the children stories, and I’m pretty sure he’s the one who loves you.”
A smile creases his lips.
“He saw something in you and learned the secrets of your heart. And he was the one who wanted to make you his home,” he says softly.
My chin begins to tremble as I wipe my tears away.