Just deeply hurt.
“I never thought... I never thought you were just another man walking the face of the earth, empty inside. Using, lying, and disposing of women. Seeing a woman as a shell. A body. A face without a soul or heart. A head without a loving thought. But that’s exactly what you saw in me when I was stupid enough to think I’d found my match. My mate. My lover. The man who could handle my chaos. The man who knew this journey's pain, despair, and lack of fairness and felt the sting, ache, and heavy-handed wisdom of this life. I thought you were all that. But in the end, you were nothing like that. All those bad things that happened to you were not your teachers. Or your friends. They weren’t even your enemies. They were something you disposed of, the same way you’d toss an old ragged coat in the garbage or forget about a bad dream or reality you no longer have a use for. You did the same thing to me. In your opinion, that’s how life was supposed to be played out. Ultimately, it was all about what you could get, not what you could give, what you could keep, not what you had to offer. Yeah... That’s who you are. Just another man. But not my man.”
He opens his mouth to say something. I flick my hand up.
“Please. Don’t even bother. I know my words mean nothing to you. As much as I know, you didn’t spare a thought on me all this time. Not more than you’d spend on some piece of garbage you kicked out of your way. And how do I know? I just saw you. The real you. The new you. And your new toy. The woman who fulfills your needs. The woman who matches your suit and perfect smile. The woman who spreads her legs to receive your generosity. To enjoy your skills, your cock. The lies murmured in her ear. She doesn’t care. You are a shiny toy to her as much as she is to you. See, this is the world in which I’m doomed to live. For people like you and her, it doesn’t matter, while for me... Oh, for me...” I say, my voice almost breaking as a few tears fall from my lashes. “For me, everything gets carved inside me, written with my fucking blood and tears. It’s like a curse that follows me around. Every damn thing lodges in my memory to last a lifetime, threading through my days, nights, and even dreams, stirring up the fear that I can never push away. But I’m the stupid one, aren’t I? The unadapted. The ignorant. The one who doesn’t fit. The one who doesn’t get it. The one who people laugh at. And why wouldn’t they? Why wouldn’t you? Everything is so easy for you and her and for your friends outside. Life is like a rollercoaster for you. One that is meant to be fun. For me, life is a fight in the trenches, made of sweat and tears. Made of loneliness and awkwardness. While people like you and her celebrate and party, twirling in the big dance of life, you think I’m the sour loser. So be it, Jaden. You fucked me over. And that’s fine. You’re not the first one and, surely, not the last. That’s why I don’t need to talk with you. I got it. So, go fuck your fucking girlfriend or wife or whoever the hell she is, and leave me alone.“
6
SENNA
He shifts his position,and my eyes shoot fast at him. He takes another step in my direction.
“Stay where you are, Jaden. I don’t need you close to me,” I bark.
He freezes.
More tears pool in my eyes.
I slowly shake my head.
“I never thought that you’d hurt me so much. I never thought I’d let you inside me, and you’d take everything from me and leave me with nothing. Empty. Barren. I wanted you to fill me up with you. And you did. You showed me heaven and then dragged me straight into the darkest hell.”
“Senna...”
His voice is soft yet cold.
My finger shoots up in the air.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me. I don’t need to hear your explanation. You know who I am. You know me. You felt me. You can’t possibly say you didn’t know. I opened my heart to you and let you see everything inside me. The good and the bad. And you let me close to you as well. You wanted me to get used to you and trust you. And then you took everything away from me. Why? And for what, Jaden? Was it for that?” I ask, my hand flicking toward the door. “It’s that what you wanted. That woman?”
“No,” he says curtly.
I look at him, washed with disbelief.
“Are you fucking kidding me? I just saw you. Both of you. You had no idea I was there. Your tenderness for her made me sick. I couldn’t even recognize you for a moment. I couldn’t possibly believe that you were the same man who opened his heart to me and held me in his arms, and made me feel something. Is she love for you, Jaden?”
He looks at me, stubbornly silent.
“Is she fucking love?” I shout.
My voice smashes into the walls.
“Answer me!”
“She’s not love.”
“Then what is she? Is she romance? Hot sex?”
He tilts his head down, his gaze trailing down the floor.
“Tell me. What is she to you? Is she the next stop?”
He pulls his eyes up, their sharpness feeling like a sword.
“None of that.”
“Why can’t you tell me?”