We both fall quiet, Danny holding me close to his side as he scans the street, watchful for potential threats. I wonder if he’s thinking about that night in Auckland, when we were almost mugged.
No matter how dangerous it was, I’m glad I fought back. I never want to be a victim again.
But I don’t want to be one of the bad guys, either.
“Should we call Rosa and cancel?” I stop in the middle of the sidewalk, turning to face Danny in the dim light of the flickering street lamp at the end of the block.
“No! Why?” His brow furrows. “I’m just talking, Sam. I’m not second-guessing the plan. It’s solid. Way better than mine. This way, J.D. and Jeremy never see our faces and the only person who can connect us to them is a prostitute who isn’t going to want to talk to the police.”
“I know, but what if I hurt her?” I ask. “What if she has a bad reaction to the drug? Or what if she slips out of the chokehold and I have to fight her? I could end up breaking her nose or—”
“You’re not going to break her nose,” Danny says. “You know what you’re doing and the ketamine will keep her out. And she’s not going to expect you to be grabbing her from behind. She’ll be out before she has a chance to fight back.”
“But there is a chance something will go wrong and she’ll pay the price for it,” I insist. “That’s the reality. I’m justifying hurting this woman because someone hurt me. I’m sure that kid who tried to mug us last summer was doing the same thing. Someone hurt him and so he decided to hurt us and take what he needed to survive.”
Danny shakes his head. “It’s not the same thing, Sam.”
“It’s close enough. Maybe too close.” I close my eyes, pinching the aching places at the backs of my lids together with my finger and thumb. “I don’t know. I don’t know where to draw the line anymore.”
“And that’s okay. That’s why I’m here,” he says, fingers circling my wrist, tugging my hand away from my eye sockets and giving it a gentle shake. “Look at me.”
I open my eyes and look up into his shadowed face.
“This isn’t going to be easy. Breaking the rules never is,” he says. “But that doesn’t mean some of them don’t need to be broken. J.D. and Jeremy need to be taught a lesson. And Todd has to die. If he lives, you know he’s going to hurt someone else, a hell of a lot worse than you’ll hurt Rosa. He’ll probably hurt a lot of people.”
“I know.” I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat.
“There’s only one reason to change the plan,” Danny says. “And that’s if you think you’re going to be exchanging one thing that will eat you alive for another. That’s what Caitlin said to me when I first started talking about revenge. She didn’t tell me not to, just not to get caught, and not to do it if I couldn’t walk away from it after and find a way to be happy.”
I lift my hands to Danny’s chest, letting them rest there, feeling his muscles strong and solid beneath my palms. “Until that night at the hot spring… I didn’t think I remembered how to be happy.”
“I know.” He covers my hands with his, warming my cool fingers. “So maybe things have changed now. That’s okay, too. It’s okay to change your mind. I’m with you, no matter what you decide. I’m going to be fine either way, as long as I know we’re together.”
We stand in silence, but I can’t concentrate on anything except the feel of his heartbeat pulsing steadily beneath my fingertips.
Precious heart. Precious chest.
Can I put them in more danger? No matter how solid the plan or how much I need to see justice done? Does it take more strength to follow through with what I’ve started or to walk away?
Maybe Danny and I can be free without this. Maybe all I have to do is let go and give myself permission to be happy again.
Happy, while the man who looked you in the eyes and smiled while men raped you goes free, using this easy escape as a reason to believe he is above the law.
Untouchable.
Unstoppable.
And the next time he hurts someone, her blood will be on your hands as much as his.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Then we don’t do anything.” He takes my hand in his and squeezes tight. “We’ll let things stand for now. We’ve got three more days. Come Tuesday morning, if you’ve changed your mind, we can call things off with Rosa then. You don’t have to decide right now. Midnight decisions are never a good idea anyway.”